“Rest your shoulder blades on the back of your heart,” the teacher said. But what if the heart is tender?

“Surrender,” she said later, in what felt at once like a welcoming to take a breather and at the same time, almost a dare. Am I capable of surrendering? Can I ever not try so hard?

Today was Day Four of my 10-day Yoga Challenge, and the class was Sunrise Flow, 6:30-7:30 a.m. The previous evening, I had prepped most of what I needed before I left for an 8:00 p.m. tutoring session (my last of the school year!) and the rest after I returned at 10:15: yoga clothes ready on the couch, water bottle full, wallet and phone in yoga mat bag. I’d put my veggies in a glass in the fridge but hadn’t put the juicer back together. I had apple slices and nuts ready for the road if I needed them before or after class. I’d washed the spinach and red pepper to cook with my husband and son’s eggs.

All I had to do was somehow get out of the house by 6:10 a.m. without leaking breasts and without disturbing the rest of the family. But I also had to get my heart stuck from my throat.

When I’d gotten home from tutoring the previous night, I sat in the driveway to get through a few emails on my phone. One was from a friend with whom I fulfill a school volunteer commitment, and she wasn’t exactly pleased with the way I’d handled something with other folks. I knew I hadn’t meant any harm, but I also could see why she bristled.

“There I go again,” I started to think. It’s been exactly a year since a good friend wrote me a Dear John letter asking me to respect her wishes not to be in touch until/unless she reached out to me first. This time I’m not seven months pregnant, but the story of me not being a great friend isn’t new. While I find the Pony Express approach regrettable, to put it mildly, I can understand why that friend was probably sick of me. I wasn’t — am not — exactly easy to be around. Things are always a production with me. Here I am, going on a 10-day yoga binge instead of just signing up for a weekly class.

And now I’ve pissed off another friend, I thought. But I tried not to get spiraled into negativity and just sent out compassion to my new friend and forgiveness toward myself.

I slept hard, and after a very awake and peppy baby watched me hydrate, dress, and start her brother and father’s breakfast, I handed her over around 6:15 and zipped away in the car hoping to believe it was, in fact, a new day.

I’m sure that people who cross the Potomac every morning are inured to it. My commute was easy, but radio reports told a different story further out from the city. Plenty of people were on their way to Regular Life. But this was revolutionary for me: to be out alone in the morning. Seeing the sun rise somewhere other than through my kitchen window. Imagining a world outside my tiny one.

And yet, that tiny one is precious, and it is mine. NPR ran a story about women saving their eggs for future babies, and I had the epiphany that — surprise! — I am so blessed to have two healthy children after two healthy pregnancies (and one fast and natural birth). This is what I wanted, right? When I was praying and struggling to heal my thyroid years ago, I wanted to be a mother. I wanted to create a home, a family.

And yet somehow it feels like everything is in the way of — instead of in service to — mothering.

But it’s all in the attitude. Like hearing “Surrender” as an invitation instead of a dare.

The class was good, and very similar to the other three except that all three other students were men. I am certainly sore but still enjoying everything and feeling stronger. I was so glad to have made it to class, if a few minutes late. It felt both safe and challenging to enter the studio for my fourth guided practice in a row after months of almost nothing.

I got home a little later than I’d promised, but my husband had survived with the kids and then made it to work without missing any meetings. Within 25 minutes of my walking in the door, I made my juice and nursed the baby; I got my son to finish his breakfast, get dressed, pee and brush his teeth; and we left for preschool.

In the parking lot, I got to hug my recently offended friend and, I hope, right things up (even though I interrupted her conversation with another mom to apologize. Old habits die hard.). I came close to tears and glistened with them on the way home, but I never did find my sob. I think it may surface soon.

Before I drove away with a sleeping baby in tow, a mutual friend who recently completed a yoga teacher training said she felt like she was just starting; there’s so much to know. Nothing is ever “done,” I offered, explaining that I’m trying to just embrace the unending process of things instead of looking toward some unattainable end point, which is my more natural inclination.

I got lucky with a carseat napper, and I felt great just drinking water and eating some apple until after the baby woke at 11:30. My recent obsession with eating until way beyond full (because who knows when I’ll get to sit down to a quiet meal again!) seemed to have faded today. No longer was I a squirrel storing away calories for the winter (or, in this case, a flabby belly). I felt cleansed and satisfied with a lighter plate than and through the rest of the day.

When I picked up my son, I was quicker to laugh and smile than to snap and shush. The three of us had a lovely afternoon together, a welcome change from the long holiday, hot, bright (for so many hours!) weekend that we struggled to fill without the four of us driving each other crazy.

It’s 11:05 p.m., and I find it a little hard to believe that it’s the same day I drove across Key Bridge at 6:25 a.m. But it is. And it was good.

Time to surrender, to sleep.

Day One: The challenge begins!

Day Two: “Let your bottom blossom”

Day Three: “Shine!”

Day Five: “Root and reach”

Day Six: “Brighten the belly”

Day Seven: “Reveal”

Day Eight: “Expose your heart”

Day Nine: “Play”

Day Ten: “Party in the pose”

By now, most readers have probably heard the sad news that Mothering magazine is going to cease publication. If not, read Peggy O’Mara’s explanation here.

I found out in an email from the web editor regarding a piece I was writing for Mothering.com, which is still going strong, she said. I was happy to have had the opportunity to write this report from the Hirshhorn Museum nurse-in.

Me at the Hirshhorn nurse-in with my Feminist Breeder blog fan gear tote: "Birthing, Breastfeeding, Beautiful Feminist"

I also had a March 1 deadline for a feature piece on chiropractic for healthy families for the print magazine. It was an exciting opportunity, but as I kept facing challenges with canceled school due to snow and illness, and canceled work time due to a non-sleeping baby, I questioned the wisdom of the timing of my having pitched and won this assignment!

So, although I am beyond sad for the loss of this important magazine (and so glad that I have tons of back issues!), I was personally relieved to let one thing slide off my plate (through no fault of my own). I would still like to pull together a version of the article for another venue within the next four months (so, that puts us at July 1); I’ve conducted lots of interviews and have some great info. But I still need more time to research and compose, not to mention become familiar enough with the other venue options to make sure my piece would fit their needs and readership.

I’m still finding it a challenge to carve a path as a working-at-home mom, volunteering mom, stay-at-home mom with no childcare or local family, and a mom with health issues that need appointments, exercise, and a high-maintenance diet. That set of roles is in addition to being even a remotely available or compassionate wife, friend, daughter, and sister. And even mother, because while I’m here in person and as logistics lady, laundry lady and cook, I feel like I have been checked out even from my kids. I know that pursuing passions is important to my mental health, and it’s something I want my kids to see, but I also want them to think that they and their dad are supremely loved.

So I’m going to work on that! While I don’t expect to do a ton of saying no to things, somehow this article being pulled out from under me made me feel like it’s okay to throw up my hands and say, “Oh, well.” Not everything can be done all the time. I will not always be mother to a baby who can’t even sit up by herself, and some things can, in fact, wait. So I will probably pursue a little less in terms of new and future projects and try to just stay on top of now. (And by now, I do mean the present moment, but also deal with some of the backlog that clutters my desk and mind).

I still wish I’d been able to have a feature published in Mothering, but at least I did get a news brief about VBAC in last year’s May/June print edition (here is the longer version online). And I hope the new business model will allow them to maintain a strong web presence that I can perhaps contribute more in the future.

At least I got in some lactivism this weekend!

It has been a long string of days with a dramatic, exuberant, clingy, whiny and non-stop-talking almost-five-year-old and a not-much-sleeping, perennially-teething (but happy!) six-month old. So I will save the full report on yesterday’s nurse-in at the Hirshhorn Museum for another time (will link if it gets posted elsewhere) and at least just say this: it was great!

Me with my "Birthing, breastfeeding, beautiful feminist" (FeministBreeder.com fan gear) bag (and Holistic Moms t-shirt) and my baby in the Beco at the Hirshhorn nurse-in

Congratulations to LJ Pelham for putting together such wonderful event! It was so heartwarming to see so many moms, dads, babies and kids all happily nursing, talking, and playing. The vibe was totally positive, and the staff of the museum could not have been more supportive. So many more folks now know their rights to nurse in public as a result of this great event.

See background on it here, and check back for my longer, more detailed post or a link to it, and more photos.

What a surprise I got tonight when my Holistic Moms co-leaders and members presented me with flowers and a (gluten-free, dairy-free, soy-free, refined-sugar-free) cake at our monthly meeting!

Holistic Moms Arlington/Alexandria co-leaders: Leigha, me (Jessica), and Mary

We decided not to do a huge anniversary party again this year after last year’s blow out, and I wasn’t really missing all the stress! But they kept the anniversary in mind and were so kind to honor me for starting the chapter on my own two years ago (two days after spending the entire day trying to get home from the inauguration before going back out to a ball. What a week!).

It’s been a lot of work from the start, and lately I’ve been a little grumpy about how much time I spend on Holistic Moms, in part because both my co-leaders are stepping down. Don’t get me wrong: leading the chapter contributes a lot to my sense of self because I feel like it makes a positive difference in the lives of others. As I said in my intro tonight, if even one child is helped because one parent saw a flyer or email post about our Special Diets meeting and got a bug in his/her ear to investigate food sensitivities, then all the effort is worth it.

And yet, it’s a lot of effort, and my children and spouse deserve that kind of attention and devotion. I often feel I shortchange them with my various interests (Holistic Moms being just one of them, but connected to most of the others), and yet I also know that it doesn’t send a positive message to hold myself back and not pursue my passions. I want my children to see their mama as a committed and involved person who makes a positive contribution to others’ lives. I just want that to include their lives, too! And their dad’s!

As I stand in this space of hoping for new help to run the chapter — and hoping to find the right childcare fit to let me work from home on this and other holistic-health-related pursuits — it was really lovely to feel heartfelt and totally unexpected appreciation from the people who have supported me in the development of the chapter. The meeting was great, and I’m hopeful for a sustainable future.

Thank you, everyone! And happy birthday to me and to us!

I’m so excited that I managed to pull together a solstice celebration this year. At noon on the day of, I talked to my friend and let her know another mom from our Holistic Moms chapter was maybe going to make it. Usually I can’t stand last-minute things, but this time is was great to know it would only be what I could pull together in a short time with a baby on my back.

Solstice craft materials

For the craft, I cut out sort of “horizons” from dark blue and black — enough for each child and mom — and I put out tissue squares of a few shades of blue, yellow, and white along with some foil, cotton balls, and snippets from our Christmas tree.

My finished product - solstice horizon

For the cookies, I used my GFCF (low) sugar cookie recipe, but I ground up a bunch of sunflower seeds to use in place of some of the flower for a nuttier flavor and more protein.  I also liked the symbolism of “sunflower” on the day when the sun spends the least time shining on us. But I forgot to bring that to the kids’ attention. We were making stars, trees and moons until my son went and got out a bunch of other cookie cutters, so we had some leaves, butterflies, and little men, too.

For our candle celebration, we took my son’s Waldorf school lantern outside along with a big star candle from which we lit our little candles and sang a song about “deep into the heart of winter” that I found at Emerald Earth Publishing after I gave a little saying about community and on this darkest day, bringing this light into our hearts to keep us warm through the winter, as the days lengthened toward spring.

Our candle solstice circle outside at dusk

My son had a mini-meltdown when we walked to the front of the house and he understood that we were not going to walk through the neighborhood with the lanterns. I promised him his dad would, and they went right before dinner while I put the baby down for a nap, which worked out great.

But before that, the friends came back in to enjoy by candlelight the cookies that we had made in the daylight.

Enjoying sunflower solstice cookies after dark

My goal was to honor this natural event with beauty and community, and I’m so glad we did.

But even more importantly, I learned I can pull off hosting something and doing something with good and clear intentions but not a lot of planning.

I witnessed some unfamiliar and disturbing behavior yesterday at the zoo.

I’m not talking about the animals.

So much whining, taunting, complaining, aggression, and general crankiness.

I’m not talking about children.

Some of the most pissy parents were out in force at the National Zoo yesterday, the most gorgeous Columbus Day ever (when arriving after 10:30 a.m. means you’re s.o.l. on a parking spot.)

Oh, the humanity! It's no fun to witness parents stomping along like angry elephants

The place was packed, and I should also say that there were plenty of wonderful people who looked adoringly at my 10-week-old baby and her similarly red-headed older brother. But there were so darn many folks who apparently did not get the memo that a trip to the zoo is supposed to be fun and that parenting is, you, know, a joy and a privilege.

What do you do when you hear someone shout “I’m going to spank you again!” to a crying two-year-old? I just swallowed hard. How about when that woman yanked her toddler so hard I thought his arm might fall off? I sort of mumbled “Do you need some help?” to her friend while not really pausing as we crossed paths.

And oh, the bribes and threats.

“You won’t get (some awful unhealthy treat) if you do that.”

“I’ll take away your (awful unhealthy treat or crappy plastic toy) if you don’t do x, y or z.”

Comparisons to siblings. Complaints about how much time something is taking.

Egads. Everyone loses.

I am the first to say I am not perfect. I’ve had plenty of ugly parenting moments, including some doozies in public. But I’m so glad I have education and thought-through ideas to fall back on.

I learned a whole lot that has made parenting so much more rewarding and less challenging from taking classes and working with Dr. Rene Hackney of Parenting Playgroups. Rene gives lectures on a variety of parenting topics, teaches a course on Positive Discipline, and now gives advice and information via blog and live workshops. I like her so much, I’m working with her on updating her Positive Discipline workbook for the next printing!Consulting with and hearing talks by Francine Ronis, LPC have also helped with the mindfulness aspect. Waldorf education has given me lots of tools and theory behind them.

There is no one way to parent, but when having children makes you invariably angry, do something. Read a book, take a class, join a group, go online, talk to someone beside your kids. Get some help. If you’re not having any fun, chances are the kids aren’t either. And unhappy kids are not going to cure you of your malaise. Vicious cycles don’t often take detours into better territory.

Some books I have been helped by are Unconditional Parenting by Alfie Kohn, Playful Parenting by Lawrence Cohen, and How to Talk So Your Kids Will Listen (and Listen so Your Kids Will Talk) by Faber and Mazlisch. I saw Attachment Parenting founders Nicholson and Parker discuss their book Attached at the Heart in April; it looks to be a great primer on how and why attachment parenting works. The beginning of Easy to Love, Difficult to Discipline: The 7 Basic Skills for Turning Conflict into Cooperation by Becky Bailey is great for helping you figure out how you got to wherever you are (as a human, as a parent).  It’s time for me to fully read the rest of that one!

For grounding, I also want to re-read Mitten Strings for God: Reflections for Mothers in a Hurry by Katrina Kenison and have just ordered her new book, The Gift of an Ordinary Day along with another title a friend recommended: Momma Zen: Walking the Crooked Path of Motherhood by Karen Maezen Miller.

Just writing down those titles makes me feel more compassionate toward those frustrated parents and less upset at them for bumming out my blissful day at the zoo. I hope somehow they can all get some support to enjoy the important work they are doing as parents.

Professional photos are not something I’ve pursued for my family. It took me over a year to redeem a free shoot I won from Holistic Moms Northern Virginia chapter’s one-year anniversary party for pregnant belly shots.

When I connected online just a week later with DC-area newcomer Lisa Hager of Red Thread Photography, I was intrigued by her August campaign to donate 100% of August’s income to CARE, an organization that works to fight global poverty with a special focus on helping women and girls.

We never did a newborn photo shoot with my son, but I decided his sister should get one (and we were way overdue on family photos, too). Lisa came over when my daughter was almost 4 weeks old and did an amazing job corralling my clueless family — between bouts of crying or preschooler drama — into so many lovely shots we had a terrible time deciding what images to buy! Seriously, it has taken weeks!

I don’t post full-on child faces on my blog (especially when they are so crystal clear!), so here are photos of me and the babe. I was surprised to find myself hesitating to post the more obvious nursing shot considering how much lactivism I did with my son, who nursed until age three.

This isn’t too much breast for prime time, is it?  How can the most loving, healthful act be anything but beautiful? Especially in this photographer’s hands!

Thanks, Lisa, for capturing such wonderful images! Now that I have them, I guess there’s no excuse for putting off that birth announcement. Have I mentioned my daughter is now 8 weeks old?

October is a crazy-busy month for natural-minded health and wellness junkies in and around Washington, DC.

Pathways, the free magazine you see at massage therapy centers, health food stores, and the offices of alternative medicine practitioners is having its Natural Living Expo on Sunday, October 3 in Adelphi, Maryland.

Folks who like to teach their kids about nature and beauty and keep them off of media will enjoy the Fall Festival at Potomac Crescent Waldorf School in Arlington, Virginia, on Saturday, October 16 featuring crafts (to do and to buy), a puppet play, and a silent auction.

October 21-24 is the Freedom for Family Wellness summit sponsored by a lot of great companies and organizations and put on by the International Chiropractic Pediatric Association. Speakers include Peggy O’Mara, Ina May Gaskin, Joseph Mercola, Barbara Loe Fischer, Bruce Lipton and many others. It’s quite a packed 3+ days. My chapter of Holistic Moms Network is putting together a booth in the exhibit hall.

That same weekend is the Green Festival at the DC Convention Center, October 23 and 24. The local Waldorf schools will have booths near the Green Kids section. There are always lots of great items for holiday gifts in addition to speakers. A receipt of $25 or more from My Organic Market will get you free admission.

If you’re up for a drive, Holistic Moms Network is having its 7th Annual Natural Living Conference in Basking Ridge, New Jersey on Saturday, October 23. There will also be great vendors and speakers, including keynote speaker Sally Fallon of the Weston A. Price Foundation.

Speaking of the WAPF, this traditional foods group is having its 11th annual “Wise Traditions” Conference on “The Politics of Food” November 12-15 in King of Prussia, Pennsylvania (outside of Philadelphia).

Lots of food for thought… and thoughts about food!

A year ago, at the Kennedy Center’s Page to Stage weekend, I saw a staged reading of Karen Brody’s play Michelle Obama: Taskmaster.  Now the author of Birth: The Play is holding what sounds like an amazing workshop for moms who have had cesarean sections and VBACs. If I didn’t have a newborn and live on the other side of town, I would be there!

This storytelling/performance workshop of the My Body Rocks project takes place over the course of nine weeks. Proceeds from the performance at the end of the session will benefit chapters of ICAN, the International Cesarean Awareness Network.

Check out My Body Rocks for other workshops, including a pregnancy circle starting September 27.

Not so long ago, my husband took our son with him to get a haircut, where the boy was offered a lollipop, something he previously didn’t know existed. In my world, we would just say no thank you. It’s just Not. Something. We. Eat. End of story. If he asked, I would have just said “We don’t eat those. Those aren’t healthy.” Without tasting it or being around other kids who eat them, he would probably just accept that answer, at least for the time being.

Daddy, however, figured “What could be the harm in one Dum-Dum sucker?” Just like the boy’s grandma has argued, “What’s the harm in me taking him to Johnny Rockets where he gets just a little bit of ketchup in a smiley face?”

The thing is, nothing is an exception for a four-year-old. Once you’ve done something one time, it must be done again. The door is opened. After you have licked of the forbidden lollipop, you can never go back to not knowing that lollipops exist.

So the one-time experience becomes something mystical, magical. It is the hoped-for and unattainable ,where it used to just not even be part of the boy’s consciousness, cluttering up his brain. The mother-in-law is now following orders on the fast food thing, which has our son wistfully saying things like “We used to go there…” When I suggested LJ take little E with him to get a haircut at a different place, the boy said, “No! I want to go where they’ll give me a lollipop!”

When you’re a mom whose personal health has suffered greatly because of what she ate, it’s a pisser to see your kid get geeked about crappy food, especially when you don’t have school or other kids to blame but your own family.

My son accepts that he doesn’t eat food containing gluten. I went gluten-free six years ago when I learned — while trying to heal from a thyroid disorder and to regain my fertility — that I was gluten-intolerant and have the genetic markers for celiac disease. So, while his dad occasionally eats bread and pasta, our son has a gluten-free model in me, and so far he’s cool with it. We talk about how other kids can’t eat nuts, and some can’t eat eggs… Everyone needs to do what’s best for his or her body.

When junk food is at issue, though, sometimes we are tempted to lie. Just a little bit.

The other day he came home from a friend’s birthday party with some goodie bag toys. “There was bubble gum, but it had gluten,” he announced. I was home with the newborn while his dad shuttled him to the party, so this was news to me.

I haven’t much invoked gluten as an escape hatch like this, but I didn’t object to my husband doing so. According to the “Chewing Gum” entries on About.com and Wikipedia, gum doesn’t appear to contain gluten ingredients. But it does have a whole lot of crap, with high fructose corn syrup and artificial colors and flavors being my biggest areas of concern.

I know people think that if you’re too strict about things, kids will just go in the other direction. Maybe. But my hope is that 1) his future health will be built on a solid foundation so that he can better withstand whatever choices he makes later on and that 2) he won’t be so interested in eating bad food if he hasn’t learned to associate those flavors and textures with happy, warm-fuzzy vibes.

Since we are in such a developmental period of discovery, and since my son has such a desire for consistency and regularity, I would like to stick to the party line of “We just don’t eat that.”

I do get the “Why?” question, though. If an exception has been made and he’s already had the thing once, it’s a lot harder for me to keep my righteousness in check and not start pontificating about how much I care about his health and that I don’t want him to get sick like I did…

If we’ve never had it, we just don’t have it. Period. It is so much easier to just keep things as a non-issue than to make exceptions. When I reported my concern about a really young kid with a lot of health issues eating cake and ice cream at a birthday party, my husband shrugged, “People just figure parties are special occasions.”

But if it’s okay sometimes, a young child just gets the message that it’s okay. And it’s hard to keep hold to the reins after that. So even though something might physically be okay on special occasions, savvy kids will find ways to make the exception the rule. These things are cycles: parents complain that their kids will eat only cheesy pasta but then turn around and refer to cheesy pasta as “kid food.” That’s another discussion, but we do have to think about the role we play in our kids’ preferences and habits and, most importantly, how they see things.

I know this will get harder, and after reading Petula Dvorak’s recent piece in the Post on school food and chocolate milk, I feel like keeping him out of public school forever.

But thus far it really has been possible to raise my son on a diet with very little processed food and zero gluten, high fructose corn syrup (which the Corn Refiners Association wants to rename “corn sugar”), or artificial colors & flavors. He doesn’t care about what he’s missing because he just enjoys what he is given and, for the most part, he doesn’t get mixed messages from his folks. We don’t drink soda or much juice or eat and drink stuff we tell him he can’t have (except alcohol and coffee, which are imbibed in moderation, to put it mildly).