The instant I read the words, I regretted picking up my BlackBerry that one last time before going to bed. A well-meaning relative of mine had read my recent post about my health and my leaky gut problem and told me: “This is not the time to volunteer for things.” She intended to point out that there would be plenty of time later in life for me to pursue my interests when I didn’t have as many health challenges to face and when I wasn’t in such a busy time of motherhood with a kindergartener and opinionated non-verbal toddler.

I get her point. Really, I do. The problem is that her note assumes that volunteering is something that detracts from my well-being. Sure, it might have seemed that way in the post she read. I’d rushed to finish it and get it up rather than wait until who knows when I’d get a free moment to sit down again. I did, I realize, sound a little overwhelmed. And yes, balance is something I’m working on.

But I don’t regret my choices, and I don’t want them restricted. That wouldn’t help. If I weren’t busy with something that felt meaningful, that contributed to my priorities, that gave me joy, or that fueled me with passion, I would be, simply put, depressed. Staying busy and engaged in something bigger than myself is a necessity for me to stay mentally healthy without medication.

And staying off medication is something I feel is a physical necessity as well; I simply don’t think my body can handle being on anti-depressants. They made an amazing difference for two years, and then again for a year while I sought treatment for hyperthyroidism (Graves’ Disease).

But they are drugs. Even if I weren’t a true believer in the healing power of nutrition and energy work, my system has shown me it simply cannot handle anything artificial. As much as SSRIs helped, I’m also pretty convinced that they contributed to the mess I’m in now — a much smaller role than 30 years of eating gluten, probably, but a role nonetheless.

No amount of saying no to volunteer work is going to undo all the damage that was caused by decades of eating food my body couldn’t handle, to say nothing of mild but young substance abuse. What will help me heal is continuing to eat real food, pursuing what makes me happy, and cultivating a mindfulness practice. It takes a lot more time and energy than popping a pill, but I really don’t see that I have a choice if I have my long-term health in mind.

Until I got this late-night email, I was, I admit, stewing a little about the lack of time to do everything I cared about. But rather than push me to step aside, as was its intention, the note inspired me to remember why I have chosen what I’ve chosen to do and to be grateful that I have the opportunity to do it.

The fundraiser I was working on was a great success, both in money raised and in positive momentum and a spirit of community, which was probably even more valuable to this project about which I care deeply. Even as I wished for more hours in the day to proofread the program and organize the volunteer schedule, I remembered that I proposed this event because I believe in the cause and that I offered to head it up because it’s something I knew I could do well. I knew it could be a great thing, and I wanted to create that.

So I carried that purpose with me into the event and sincerely enjoyed it. I lapped up the kudos with nary a self-critical remark or “if only we could have” lament. It was just good, plain and simple. We can debrief and learn from it, sure, but the thing I am most proud of is just enjoying it.

And then, when I came home after being gone at the school 11 a.m.-5 p.m. and launched right back into domestic goddess mode, I took on that role without resentment. Sure, there was a smidge of “really?” in my brain when my husband said he was super tired, but rather than go to a place of bitterness, I just chalked it up to a confirmation that the job I usually do of managing house and home is, indeed, a tiring one!

I wanted the laundry and dishes dealt with, so I did them.

I wanted celery and other veggies for the next day and to not cook that night or ask my tired husband to rally, so I went out to the grocery store after picking up take-out.

I wanted to do yoga before eating in peace and quiet, so I waited until after the family meal and bedtime to get on my mat and then eat my own safe food.

Somehow, that email sparked — or stoked — a fire. What started as angry turned cozy and glowing. The email inspired me, in part, to take the Mother’s Self-Renewal workshop to explore issues of balance and honoring our many selves. That first session then gave me the sense that I am both not alone in my dilemmas about time and also that my process is one to honor. It is part of my mothering to model not perfection but an embracing of personal growth and inquiry.

So thank you, dear relative, even if noting you wish you’d gotten advice from your elders still doesn’t convince me that you weren’t being more judgmental than supportive. Regardless of their intent, your words helped me see through the messiness of internal conflict and to look toward something varied and beautiful.

I wouldn’t have even bothered to do the test if I didn’t think I had digestive problems. I know I do. But some of the information I got from my labs this week was information I didn’t even know could be found.

It’s been 11 months since I went on the GAPS diet, which has helped immensely with IBS symptoms. But I’ve had to stay on a modified version of the introduction diet: whenever I try to introduce too much raw vegetable, I pay for it. And fruit? I stayed off for a long time until peach season was in full bloom. I indulged some, really imagining that local, in-season produce could really be okay. But it wasn’t.

In August I met with a chiropractor and energy worker who helped me dramatically, and when I saw her later in the fall, she confirmed what I’d suspected: that I just had to eliminate all fruit. Me + any kind of sugar = problem.

To compensate for my lack of sweet indulgence of any kind, I sought out more and more fat. I was eating spoonfuls of nut butter after high-protein, filling meals. It seemed both a physical need to load up at meals in the darkening days of late fall and also an emotional need to indulge. For a while these were all soaked nuts, but that got so expensive to buy and time-consuming to make, I started buying regular nut butters, which I think have way too much phytic acid for me.

But compulsive eating wasn’t the only problem: I was also scratching the skin on my knees and elbows until they bled. This happened after several months after my first child was born and lasted until he was two and sleeping through the night; I don’t know if it was all the healing stuff I did that spring, or just the time elapsed, a decrease in nursing, or or an increase in interrupted sleep that made the difference. With my second child, the psoriasis came just a few months after she was born (at home, not a c-section), and now 17 months in and some decrease in nursing overall and night waking in particular, I see no signs of improvement.

Rather than take steroids or other topicals that are just going to push the problem further into my body as I did through my childhood and young adulthood, I’m determined to address the source of the problem. If only we could figure out what that is.

From the kitchen in the house we are renovating. I feel like MY insides must look just as bad.

The doctor recommended an expanded GI panel from DiagnosTechs. The test cost around $250 and would analyze my stool and saliva for parasites, bacteria, food sensitivities and some other stuff I didn’t even know it you could analyze.

The results just came in last week. I am free of any icky critters, my pH is fine, and Candida (yeast) showed up at only trace levels. Good news.

However, there were some bacteria, which we’re going to treat with Goldenseal and garlic, and the test confirmed dairy (casein) and gluten (gliadin) sensitivity through positive SIgA results.

No surprise there. The doctor I saw is generally not an absolutist on food or a believer in intolerances needing to last a lifetime, but she said it was clear I needed to stay gluten-free and dairy-free. The test panel explains:

“Predisposed individuals often experience intestinal inflammation after consumption of offending foods. Subsequently, the intestinal mucosa releases secretory IgA to neutralize the antigens. SIgA testing, unlike IgG, allows the detection of mild, subclinical and latent intolerance cases. Furthermore, the short SIgA half-life ensures earlier and more effective compliance and follow-up assessments.”

To have a positive gliadin AB, SIgA reading at the numerical level I showed after more than seven years on a gluten-free diet (and very little prepared food in my diet in the past year) means that I am super sensitive, the doc said.

Also of interest was the fact that I had “abnormally low” Chrymotrypsin levels, which is “suggestive of poor pancreatic output of all enzymes.” Perhaps this explains why I’m so darn sensitive to sugar! For this we are supplementing with an enzyme and hoping it will kick-start my body into remembering how to make it itself (and certainly help me until that happens).

But the most important thing, is, apparently, that I have just about no protective gut lining, or Intestinal Secretory IgA (SIgA). When people talk about a damaged gut “leaking” food into the bloodstream, it’s because there is no protective mucus to stop it. This test calls low <400 mg/100 g dry wt.

My number?

<1.

Seriously.

So even after a year of gentle eating, my gut is still this damaged. I think if I hadn’t gone on GAPS, I would probably be in the hospital on an IV!

If I understand it correctly, my epithelium is so compromised, my digestive system is letting food particles into my bloodstream, and then my body is lashing out at them as though they are foreign invaders. One of the results is the psoriasis. If you poke around online, you’ll also see a lot about low SIgA being linked to autism and ADHD. The doctor says my gut, pancreas and thyroid woes are all linked.

So what do we do? For one thing, I’m taking L-Glutamine to help heal my gut lining. I’ve taken this before and am not sure why I didn’t pick it back up months ago. The doctor is also ordering me some casein-free colostrom. Gosh, maybe it would even help to drink my own milk. I’m staying on the Green Pastures fermented cod liver oil and fish oil.

There was another Medi-Herb product the doctor wanted to put me on but isn’t since I’m still breastfeeding little A. I worry that at some point, I might need to switch the priority of gut health to hers over mine and wean. My son nursed until age 3, and I didn’t think I do anything shy of two years this time around. But something’s gotta give.

This doctor and other practitioners are not finding (through muscle-testing) that I need probiotics at this time, and since I didn’t have a huge overgrowth of yeast and since I feel like I have had negative reactions when I’ve taken the GAPS-recommended Bio-Kult, I will stay off. I’m eating some fermented foods (not a lot), but I’ve slacked on using lots of animal fats like lard, as I was some months back. Lately, I’ve stuck mostly to coconut oil for cooking and olive oil for extra (uncooked) flavor.

And I haven’t been eating much in the way of organ meats, as GAPS would recommend. It’s enough work to start the day with green juice, get some veggies cooked in broth, make eggs, veggies and some (non-processed) meat and then do it all over again for lunch and dinner, plus prepare meals for the kids and my husband. And did I mention we are renovating a house? And I’m organizing a school fundraiser for a wetlands learning lab?

So what else is supposed to help with gut lining? Less cortisol. Less stress. More relaxation. Riiiight.

My fear of depression scares me away from a life of quiet (or much meditation, or enough yoga over walks), but taking on too much clearly is doing me no favors. If I just weren’t interested in so many things…

The baby is waking up from the nap she miraculously went down for (just over an hour ago) with relative ease (a rarity!), and my son and husband are headed back from the farmers market. Maybe now that it’s past noon on Sunday, a full 24 hours after I started this post, I should just pull the trigger and get it up.

But I’m pretty sure there is a whole lot more to learn.

When my nutritionist friend suggested I try integrating some animal protein and animal fat back into my diet, I was offended. Didn’t she know how bad it was for the earth to waste all those resources on raising animals instead of vegetables and grain? Didn’t she know that a low-fat diet was healthier?

Since I was grappling with infertility, depression, cystic acne and digestive issues and she had recovered from Chronic Fatigue Syndrome and infertility to be midway through a healthy pregnancy, I decided to give her way a shot. It turns out that she knew a lot more than I did.

Unlike pale yellow battery eggs, pastured eggs are the color of a richly orange setting sun.

The processed soy I was consuming three or more times a day was terrible for my health, and it wasn’t good for the environment either. Once I added animal products back into my diet — slowly at first — my periods came back, my mood improved, and I felt stronger than ever before.

What followed was a move to gluten-free and dairy-free living and better mental and physical health than I’d ever known.

And, later, a baby.

I’ve now had two easy pregnancies but twice found my system struggling in the postpartum year. Both times I’ve improved dramatically by cutting back or cutting out all grains, starchy vegetables and sugar, even fruit.

Like more and more people I know, I’m following the GAPS diet. Designed by Dr. Natasha Campbell-McBride with a nod to the Specific Carbohydrate Diet, GAPS stands for Gut and Psychology Syndrome. It has helped children on the autism spectrum, people with Crohn’s Disease, and so many more. I have become a believer that my body and mind were poisoned by all the gluten-full food my unknowing Celiac Disease self ate for so long and by so much processed food.

Now I keep my tummy happy by eating only Real Food I make myself. A staple is bone broth, or stock made from the bones of pasture-raised chicken and beef from sustainable farms. If animals were all eating the foods they were designed to eat — grass for cows, bugs and such for chickens — there wouldn’t be much of an environmental argument against being an omnivore. Maybe there are too many people in the world to feed them all on small family farms, but I can eat that way.

To get my fresh, vital phytonutrients, I use a juicer most mornings, using as much local and seasonal produce I can. Although I used to eat salad three times a day, until I can handle the fiber of raw foods again, juicing is the best I can do.

All my efforts come from the belief that food is medicine. There is nothing that mainstream medicine could do for me that would fix my problems if I didn’t address them at the source through nutrition. My body had 30+ years of eating the wrong food for it (and often, not good stuff for anyone), and it may take a while to repair itself, especially while breastfeeding and slowly returning to non-pregnancy hormone levels.

In November, I will hear Campbell-McBride speak about GAPS and hear other Real Food renegades bust myths at the Weston A. Price Foundation conference in Dallas, Texas. I hope everyone who cares about food for health and about the health of the planet will join me!

Related posts:

GAPS Diet update

Why I’m not a vegetarian anymore

Gluten-free expo showcases products galore

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Read more posts about food at Blog Action Day 2011!

Welcome to the October Carnival of Natural Parenting: Money Matters

This post was written for inclusion in the monthly Carnival of Natural Parenting hosted by Code Name: Mama and Hobo Mama. This month our participants have shared how finances affect their parenting choices. Please read to the end to find a list of links to the other carnival participants.

***

It might be sacrilegious to be an attachment parenting advocate and say this, but if money were no object, I would hire a live-in babysitter.

I can just hear the clicks away from my site now! No, really! Stay here! I’m not a monster. Let me explain!

I don’t mean I want to farm out parenting to someone else. I don’t mean that I would have someone attend to my baby in the night instead of nurse her, or that I wouldn’t feed an infant on demand, or that I wouldn’t babywear.

I just would like to do all of those things and also retain my mental and physical health.

So what I really want is a village. If I said that, or if I just said “I would get help to be healthy,” would that sound better?

After two easy pregnancies (one ending in a c-section and one a homebirth), I’ve had a rough time the second half of my postpartum years. My thyroid disorder has returned, and I’ve got psoriasis so bad on my knees I’ve been scratching them to bleeding. With my first child, the skin cleared up when he began sleeping through the night at age two. Whether because of my getting uninterrupted sleep or my hormones finally settling down, I don’t know. For a long time I thought it was in large part due to the holistic medicine and energy clearing work I did, and maybe that did help a lot.

The thing is, I couldn’t pursue those healing modalities until I had space and time away from my son. And, with intense separation anxiety, I couldn’t get that time because I just couldn’t invest in a sitter who would be around for him to feel comfortable.

When my daughter came along, I didn’t get to nap with her like I did with my son because now he was an active, social four-year-old with a preschool schedule and a constant desire to hang out with friends or at least with me. Leaving him to play on his own while I got the baby to sleep has never been much of an option, and his willingness to rest alone in his room is about nil.

For many months, I felt like no one’s needs were getting met. I didn’t get to focus on the baby, I didn’t get to focus on my son, I didn’t get to focus on me. The one place I couldn’t cut corners has been with food: I will literally get sick if I don’t make all my food from scratch. A mama who has to plunk her baby in the pack n play while she sits on the potty is not exactly what I envisioned for myself.

So I cook. A lot. And I struggle with modeling the mindfulness I want my children to see when I am constantly doing three things at once. I want to be attentive, but when my mind is so muddled and my body so tired, that’s hard.

Last spring, I got a sitter to help out for a low rate since she can’t drive and the baby might be asleep a lot. But then she ended up being such a help in the house, cleaning dishes and chopping vegetables, folding and putting away laundry. I felt like I could breathe!

And this fall, I’ve found a great sitter — a client of my doula — who wears my daughter. I’m told that Baby A likes to feed the sitter’s son, and I get cute texts on occasion.

Having this help and my son in kindergarten has made such a difference. I doubt we’ll be blessed with a third child, but if I did have to do newborn time all over, I would try to fit in a lot of tutoring and as much freelance editing work I could so that we could justify a lot of help before and after. After seeing other moms benefit from having an au pair who is just around all the time, I covet the ability to just go for a walk or accept a last-minute opening for an acupuncture class without having to spend an hour looking for 80 minutes of childcare coverage.

Other folks I know have family visit periodically, or they live near family members who can just pop over when need be. I wish this were the case for us, but it’s not. One grandmother has more years of travel and help left in her, but the other doesn’t. We just enjoy the time we can spend with her without putting her health over the edge. My sisters have been able to offer some help, but they each have their own three children.

I realize I’m lucky to be in a position that we can afford the healthful food I need to eat and the healthcare appointments I manage to actually make. But if someone handed me an open checkbook, I would fill it with support so that I could really be my best self.

***

Visit Code Name: Mama and Hobo Mama to find out how you can participate in the next Carnival of Natural Parenting!

Please take time to read the submissions by the other carnival participants:

(This list will be live and updated by afternoon October 11 with all the carnival links.)

• Money Matter$ — Jenny at I’m a full-time mummy shares her experiences on several ways to save money as a parent.
• A different kind of life… — Mrs Green from Little Green Blog shares her utopian life and how it differs from her current one!
• Show Me The Money! — Arpita of Up, Down & Natural shares her experience of planning for parenting costs while also balancing the financial aspect of infertility treatments.
• Material v Spiritual Wealth – Living a Very Frugal Life with Kids — Amy at Peace 4 Parents shares her family’s realizations about the differences between material and spiritual wealth.
• If I Had a Money Tree — Sheila at A Gift Universe lists the things she would buy for her children if money were no object.
• Financial Sacrifices, Budgets, and the Single Income Family — Jennifer at Hybrid Rasta Mama looks at the importance of living within your means, the basics of crafting a budget, and the “real cost” of working outside of the home.
• Overcoming My Fear of All Things Financial — Christine at African Babies Don’t Cry shares how she is currently overcoming her fear of money and trying to rectify her ignorance of all things financial.
• Confessions of a Cheapskate — Adrienne at Mommying My Way admits that her cheapskate tendencies that were present pre-motherhood only compounded post-baby.
• Money Matters — Witch Mom hates money; here’s why.
• Money? What Money?! — Alicia C. at McCrenshaw’s Newest Thoughts describes how decisions she’s made have resulted in little income, yet a green lifestyle for her and her family.
• What matters. — Laura at Our Messy Messy Life might worry about spending too much money on the grocery budget, but she will not sacrifice quality to save a dollar.
• Making Ends Meet — Abbie at Farmer’s Daughter shares about being a working mom and natural parent.
• Poor People, Wealthy Ways — Sylvia at MaMammalia discusses how existing on very little money allows her to set an example of how to live conscientiously and with love.
• The Green Stuff — Amyables at Toddler In Tow shares how natural parenting has bettered her budget – and her perspective on creating and mothering.
• Jemma’s Money — Take a sneak peek at That Mama Gretchen’s monthly budget and how Jemma fits into it.
• 5 Tips for How to Save Time and Money by Eating Healthier — Family meal prep can be expensive and time-consuming without a plan! Dionna at Code Name: Mama shares five easy tips for how to make your cooking life (and budget) easier.
• Belonging in the Countryside — Lack of money led Phoebe at Little Tinker Tales towards natural parenting, but it also hinders her from realizing her dream.
• Total Disclosure and Total Reform — Claire at The Adventures of Lactating Girl gets down to the nitty gritty of her money problems with hopes that you all can help her get her budget under control.
• Save Money by Using What You Have — Gaby at Tmuffin is only good with money because she’s lazy, has trouble throwing things away, and is indecisive. Here are some money-saving tips that helped her manage to quit her job and save enough money to become a WAHM.
• Two Hippos & Ten Euros: A Lesson in Budgeting — MudpieMama shares all about how her boys managed a tight budget at a recent zoo outing.
• ABBA said it — Laura from A Pug in the Kitchen ponders where her family has come from, where they are now and her hopes for her children’s financial future.
• Money vs. Time — Momma Jorje writes about cutting back on junk, bills, and then ultimately on income as well ~ to gain something of greater value: Time.
• An Unexpected Cost of Parenting — Moorea at MamaLady shares how medical crises changed how she feels about planning for parenthood.
• 5 Ways This Stay at Home Mom Saves Money — Charise at I Thought I Knew Mama shares 5 self-imposed guidelines that help her spend as little money as possible.
• Frugal Parenting — Lisa at My World Edenwild shares 8 ways she saves money and enriches her family’s lives at the same time.
• Conscious Cash Conscious — Zoie at TouchstoneZ shares her 5 money-conscious considerations that balance her family’s joy with their eco-friendly ideals.
• Money, Sex and Having it All — Patti at Jazzy Mama explains how she’s willing to give up one thing to get another. (And just for fun, she pretends to give advice on how to build capital in the bedroom.)
• Money could buy me … a clone? — With no local family to help out, Jessica Claire at Crunchy-Chewy Mama wants childcare so she can take care of her health.
• Spending Intentionally — CatholicMommy loves to budget! Join her to learn what to buy, what not to buy, and, most importantly, where to buy.
• New lessons from an allowance — Lauren at Hobo Mama welcomes a follow-up guest post from Sam about the latest lessons their four-year-old’s learned from having his own spending money.
• How to Homeschool without Spending a Fortune — Deb Chitwood at Living Montessori Now shares tips and links to many resources for saving money while homeschooling from preschool through high school.
• It’s Not a Baby Crisis. It’s Not Even a Professional Crisis. — Why paid maternity leave, you may ask? Rachael at The Variegated Life has some answers.
• “Making” Money — Do you like to do-it-yourself? Amy at Anktangle uses her crafty skills to save her family money and live a little greener.
• Money On My Mind — Luschka at Diary of a First Child has been thinking about money and her relationship with it, specifically how it impacts on her parenting, her parenting choices, and ultimately her lifestyle.
• Spending, Saving, and Finding a Balance — Melissa at The New Mommy Files discusses the various choices she and her family have made that affect their finances, and finds it all to be worth it in the end.
• Accounting for Taste — Cassie at There’s a Pickle in My Life shares their budget and talks about how they decided food is the most important item to budget for.
• Money Matters… But Not Too Much — Mamapoekie at Authentic Parenting shares how her family approaches money without putting too much of a focus onto it.
• Parenting While Owning a Home Business — In a guest post at Natural Parents Network, Lauren at Hobo Mama lays out the pros and cons of balancing parenting with working from home.
• Crunchy Living is SO Expensive…Or Is It? — Kelly at Becoming Crunchy talks about her biggest objection to natural living – and her surprise at what she learned.
• Mo’ Money, Mo’ Problems — Sarah at Parenting God’s Children shares how a financial accountability partner changed her family’s finances.
• The Importance of Food Planning — Amanda at Let’s Take the Metro discusses how food budgeting and planning has helped her, even if she doesn’t always do it.
• Kids & Money: Starting an Allowance for Preschoolers — Kristin at Intrepid Murmurings discusses her family’s approach and experiences with starting an allowance for preschoolers.

The first time I heard of the Weston A. Price Foundation was the day after Thanksgiving 2003. My face was full of acne, my belly was full of gas, mind was muddled, and I hadn’t had a period in almost three months. Not exactly the picture of health.

But I was still offended when the nutritionist I spoke to suggested that my vegetarianism — near veganism — might have contributed to my gut and skin problems, my fertility, and my depression. How could this woman call herself a nutritionist? Meat was so bad, I thought.

Still, her five-month pregnant belly and her regained health after years of chronic fatigue syndrome convinced me that her wisdom might be valid.

Although I wouldn’t actually purchase Sally Fallon’s Nourishing Traditions cookbook for another three years, I did start to eat eggs and full-fat dairy, and I stopped eating soy for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. I ovulated two weeks later and began having regular cycles from then on. Soon after, I started eating meat again, and my health improved.

A traditional diet, I believe was key to my healing, including from the the thyroid disorder I was diagnosed with just after that meeting with the nutritionist. Now, eight years later, I have two children and a much better sense of health and wellness.

I’m so grateful to have learned about this approach, and it’s wonderful to see so many people writing about this way of eating, including Kelly the Kitchen Kop and Jenny at Nourished Kitchen. One of the other top Real Food bloggers is Kimberly Hartke of Hartke Is Online! Kimberly also serves as the publicist for the Weston A. Price Foundation, and she’ll be speaking on September 15 to the Arlington/Alexandria chapter of Holistic Moms Network. Her talk, “A Respect for Tradition: How Looking Back Can Show the Way to Wellness” will address some of the following questions:

• How can the wisdom of traditional diets address modern-day health concerns?

• What connections between health and nutrition did pioneering dentist Weston A. Price find when he traveled the world in the 1920s, and how can we benefit from what he learned?

• What is so great about raw milk?

• How come obesity rates started rising when low-fat diets came on the scene?

• What are healthy fats and why do we (and our children, especially) need them in our diets?

The presentation will be the focus of the group’s September meeting, which is 7-9 p.m. at 716 S. Glebe Road, Arlington, Virginia on Thursday, September 15, 2011. For more details, visit the Holistic Moms blog.