The instant I read the words, I regretted picking up my BlackBerry that one last time before going to bed. A well-meaning relative of mine had read my recent post about my health and my leaky gut problem and told me: “This is not the time to volunteer for things.” She intended to point out that there would be plenty of time later in life for me to pursue my interests when I didn’t have as many health challenges to face and when I wasn’t in such a busy time of motherhood with a kindergartener and opinionated non-verbal toddler.

I get her point. Really, I do. The problem is that her note assumes that volunteering is something that detracts from my well-being. Sure, it might have seemed that way in the post she read. I’d rushed to finish it and get it up rather than wait until who knows when I’d get a free moment to sit down again. I did, I realize, sound a little overwhelmed. And yes, balance is something I’m working on.

But I don’t regret my choices, and I don’t want them restricted. That wouldn’t help. If I weren’t busy with something that felt meaningful, that contributed to my priorities, that gave me joy, or that fueled me with passion, I would be, simply put, depressed. Staying busy and engaged in something bigger than myself is a necessity for me to stay mentally healthy without medication.

And staying off medication is something I feel is a physical necessity as well; I simply don’t think my body can handle being on anti-depressants. They made an amazing difference for two years, and then again for a year while I sought treatment for hyperthyroidism (Graves’ Disease).

But they are drugs. Even if I weren’t a true believer in the healing power of nutrition and energy work, my system has shown me it simply cannot handle anything artificial. As much as SSRIs helped, I’m also pretty convinced that they contributed to the mess I’m in now — a much smaller role than 30 years of eating gluten, probably, but a role nonetheless.

No amount of saying no to volunteer work is going to undo all the damage that was caused by decades of eating food my body couldn’t handle, to say nothing of mild but young substance abuse. What will help me heal is continuing to eat real food, pursuing what makes me happy, and cultivating a mindfulness practice. It takes a lot more time and energy than popping a pill, but I really don’t see that I have a choice if I have my long-term health in mind.

Until I got this late-night email, I was, I admit, stewing a little about the lack of time to do everything I cared about. But rather than push me to step aside, as was its intention, the note inspired me to remember why I have chosen what I’ve chosen to do and to be grateful that I have the opportunity to do it.

The fundraiser I was working on was a great success, both in money raised and in positive momentum and a spirit of community, which was probably even more valuable to this project about which I care deeply. Even as I wished for more hours in the day to proofread the program and organize the volunteer schedule, I remembered that I proposed this event because I believe in the cause and that I offered to head it up because it’s something I knew I could do well. I knew it could be a great thing, and I wanted to create that.

So I carried that purpose with me into the event and sincerely enjoyed it. I lapped up the kudos with nary a self-critical remark or “if only we could have” lament. It was just good, plain and simple. We can debrief and learn from it, sure, but the thing I am most proud of is just enjoying it.

And then, when I came home after being gone at the school 11 a.m.-5 p.m. and launched right back into domestic goddess mode, I took on that role without resentment. Sure, there was a smidge of “really?” in my brain when my husband said he was super tired, but rather than go to a place of bitterness, I just chalked it up to a confirmation that the job I usually do of managing house and home is, indeed, a tiring one!

I wanted the laundry and dishes dealt with, so I did them.

I wanted celery and other veggies for the next day and to not cook that night or ask my tired husband to rally, so I went out to the grocery store after picking up take-out.

I wanted to do yoga before eating in peace and quiet, so I waited until after the family meal and bedtime to get on my mat and then eat my own safe food.

Somehow, that email sparked — or stoked — a fire. What started as angry turned cozy and glowing. The email inspired me, in part, to take the Mother’s Self-Renewal workshop to explore issues of balance and honoring our many selves. That first session then gave me the sense that I am both not alone in my dilemmas about time and also that my process is one to honor. It is part of my mothering to model not perfection but an embracing of personal growth and inquiry.

So thank you, dear relative, even if noting you wish you’d gotten advice from your elders still doesn’t convince me that you weren’t being more judgmental than supportive. Regardless of their intent, your words helped me see through the messiness of internal conflict and to look toward something varied and beautiful.

Campbell Elementary School in south Arlington is hoping to remedy a swampy (and sometimes icy) problem in its playground and turn the area into a wetlands learning lab.

The school is a county-wide program that utilizes a hands-on curriculum called Expeditionary Learning. The wetlands learning lab will give students lots of opportunities to observe wildlife and ecosystems in action and to do various experiments. The new spot, which has been designed by EarlySpace landscape designer Nancy Striniste, will also be a place of beauty and an opportunity for students to have daily interaction with nature and outlets for unstructured play.

Learn more about the project at WetlandsLearningLab.com or on Facebook. In order to raise the necessary funds for construction to begin this winter, when construction costs are low, the school is holding a benefit concert on January 21 with music, activities and a silent auction.

Here are the details:

Wetlands Benefit Concert

Saturday, January 21, 1:00-4:00 p.m. (snow date January 28)

Tickets $10 per family (at the door)

Campbell Elementary School, 737 S. Carlin Springs Rd., Arlington, VA 22204

Entertainment and activities include children’s performer Groovy Nate, roots/bluegrass band Forty Miles Home, Bolivian dance performances, sing-along, family yoga, storytelling and a silent auction. Proceeds will help construct a Wetlands Learning Lab on school grounds.

For more information, visit WetlandsLearningLab.com, email CampbellWetlands (at) gmail (dot) com, or call 571-451-8273

Just how many different people can I be in my head in one day? Well, at least two solid positions are staking claim to my mental landscape. One is incredibly sad that yesterday was my son’s last day at his Waldorf school, and the other is very excited for our family to become part of the local public school community.

So why the ambivalence?

E’s Waldorf school — where he spent a year in parent-child, a year in the three-day “kindergarten,” and this year, what is designed to be the first of two years in five-day “Oak Tree Kindergarten” — is a beautiful place. I love that he has been able to unfold, as they say, free of expectations to “achieve” or perform in any particular way.

The boat my son loved making at his Waldorf school, and his book of colorings. His symbol this year was a seashell.

Yesterday, after we admired the boat he made (and loved making!), we looked through his book of coloring from the whole year. I was in tears seeing how he’s gone from abstract scribbles to intricate drawings with clear storylines all on his own, with no direction or suggestions. At this school, he truly is learning for the love of the experience, not on anyone else’s timeline or following anyone else’s agenda. What a gift.

Waldorf education has a reverence for nature and a foundation of being in tune with the seasons. He starts the morning outside, playing for almost an hour no matter what the weather. If he’s staying until 3:00 (as opposed to noon, when the regular 5-day program ends), he plays outside again before lunch and for another 20 minutes or so before pick-up time. The playground is small, but it’s lovingly tended, and the children make use of logs and wood chips and the sandbox — and their imaginations — rather than relying on a lot of equipment, other than a small slide and a climbing wall.

Beyond questions of space and “curriculum,” it is just so clear that he is loved at this school. His teachers are so kind and thoughtful about their interactions, and he knows his place in the community. The class has 16 children, each of whom has a symbol and an “acorn child” likeness doll. He was so excited to report to me over the course of the fall whose child appeared and when, and wearing what clothing.

On the last day of school, his teacher gave each child a small book with their symbol on the front and a simple series of four pictures inside. It is such a quiet expression of love, of celebrating the simple wonder of something like flying a kite and the child’s discovery of the joy therein.

His teacher also gave the children “gems” on the last day and gave a special one to my son to remind him to take a nice rest every day. The teacher knows E stopped napping at age 2.5 (he is now 5.25) and that I fear the summer with a boy who won’t nap and a baby who has become increasingly resistant to going down for a nap unless she’s driven. (Let’s hope it a phase.) I’m grateful to the teacher for this gift and for all he and his assistants have given us this year.

I am in tears. How can I take my son away from this beautiful environment to a bigger class where academic expectations might trump magic and beauty? My heart breaks every time he talks about how he’s going to be a Tall Oak next year (when he turns six), and how he’ll get to make a sword. This year, he loved sanding his little boat and was apparently quite taken with the process, I’m told by teacher and son alike. He was the first one to finish his boat, something he seems to take great pride in. I feel awful for keeping him from more memories like this in the beautiful spaces that are his classroom and school.

But, he is not my only child, and mother is not my only role. Sometimes I wish I could approach it that way, but I know it’s no use trying to push a square peg into a round hole. I need to pursue writing and to put a significant amount of time into my health and wellbeing in order to be the best possible — and most sane — mom I can. This means I need some amount of childcare, and I need to prioritize expenses.

His school is a large expense. We’ve had him in three days of the school’s 12-3 p.m. Afternoon Program for the past two years, and while the hourly breakdown is comparable to babysitting, it adds up to a whole lot of extra money for time with just one child. I now have two. I think the program has served him well with its calm routine, and I don’t relish long summer days that depend on my willpower and energy in the face of not having any control over whether the baby will cooperate with a nap or scream unless I put her on my back.

However, we would not be able to rationalize the expense of the Afternoon Program next year and also pay for the regular tuition and for some childcare for the baby so that I can do a little work, exercise, and get to appointments. Without the Afternoon Program, my son would be home every day at noon, which means my daughter and I would have less than three hours each morning together and that her nap would probably have to once again revolve around her brother’s schedule. That, or (and/or?) her brother’s afternoon schedule might need to revolve around his sister’s need to nap. And in the middle, I will have next to zero time to do much for me, let alone house chores or preparing food for my high-maintenance diet. I expect we’d devolve into my staying up late and stressing my adrenals ever further.

I realize that there are things I can and perhaps ought to let go. However, one area I will not compromise on is food: there is no microwave in my kitchen, and very little that we eat that comes out of a container. We do not eat fast food, and we rarely go out to eat. (With the exception of a luncheon at the organic oasis of Restaurant Nora and a trip just tonight to Food Matters since it will be closing soon, I haven’t eaten at a restaurant since I started the GAPS diet at the beginning of February, over four months ago.)

My son always has — and will have — a healthy lunch, and until recently I made all the gluten-free substitutes I had to send for his school snack: bread on Tuesday and Wednesday and a muffin on Thursday. So even though his school serves only organic food, it doesn’t work well for us as celiacs.

At his new school, the day will start at 8:00 instead of 8:30, which might be a little hard at the outset, but the earlier start means his father will be able to take him to the bus, or, more likely, right to school (just two quick miles away through neighborhoods) before heading to work. This means I can continue to prepare a healthy breakfast and start to provide a calm morning environment since I will not need to get myself and the baby out of the door at the same time.

I’m not sure yet if I’ll pick E up from school at 2:41, carpool with a neighbor, or let him take the bus home, but he will be done at the same time every day, and it’s my hope that I can use some of the early afternoon time to prepare at least part of dinner so that I can be more present with him when he returns.

I hope this new schedule benefits my son, who will get time with a less harried mom and time with his dad in the morning. I hope it benefits my daughter, who will get to have a nap on her terms and (if she ever starts eating food) breakfast at home without being rushed. I hope it benefits my husband, who will get more QT with his son in the mornings and get out the door at a consistent time. And I hope it benefits me by letting me eat without stress and thus more fully digest my food and heal my gut, which I know is key to all my other health issues, physical and mental.

But it’s not just about schedules and distance from home, as compelling as those are. No, I would not entertain any of these logistical perks if there weren’t other reasons to feel good about this elementary school. But there are. A lot of them.

The school uses a portfolio-based assessment instead of grades. The curriculum is hands-on, an Expeditionary Learning approach that is patterned after Outward Bound. Students participate in multidisciplinary units that are several weeks long. The K-1 (multiage) classes have tables and centers but not desks. The school principal never once mentioned standardized tests on the tour I took, and during the open house my husband attended, she said something to the effect of test scores not being a reason to come to this school.

She refers often to the school as a “community,” and it’s clear from the beautiful grounds and the lively gardens that it’s not just talk.  Last year the school donated 100 pounds of lettuce to Arlington Food Assistance Center, and I’m told the children also enjoyed their harvest in salads at lunch, which is served in classrooms rather than a cafeteria. I know several people who send their children here and love it.

Everything the principal has said on tours and in conversation with me conveys an openness to seeing each child as an individual. The school utilizes the Responsive Classroom model that includes a community meeting at the beginning of every day. So much talk is not very Waldorf, but I do think it will serve my chatty son well.

The playground is large and open. There is a tricycle path, logs for climbing on, and, when I dropped off my son’s paperwork in April, I noticed a group of girls digging in the dirt with pails and shovels. The school sits next to a nature center with which there are ongoing talks about more collaboration and married landscape construction. (I understand these things don’t move like lightning, but at least the desire is there!)

All K-1 classrooms have doors to the outside, and children go out twice a day (or at least get to go to the gym in bad weather). I’m expecting that my husband will walk E to the school from down the street so that he will have exposure to the elements every day. Oh, and I think I will take E on Fridays so that I can attend the whole school community meeting. Maybe then I will take the baby to the nature center or for a walk on the nearby bike trail after that.

Assuming we are happy enough to keep him there, E will have the same teacher for grades two and three and then will loop again with the same teacher for fourth and fifth grade. The continuity is something I value. Teachers in Waldorf schools stay with the same group of children for years.

I also like that E will be getting music and Spanish in school, and the art in the hallways is beautiful. You can tell the children all had the same assignment, but they were given the freedom to find their own way into it. I didn’t see photocopies of the same sheet just colored differently.

But beyond all these assumed-to-be-great things about this particular school, I am also compelled to join the ranks of public schools because I think it’s important from a social justice perspective. I want to be an advocate for all children, to give them the opportunity to have healthy choices. Last night I attended the documentary What’s on Your Plate at Barcroft Elementary School as the culmination of the PTA-organized spring Farm to Table Week. It’s exciting to see people bringing awareness of healthy eating and sustainable farming to public schools, but it’s not going to happen without involved parents. I feel I ought to be one of them.

I also don’t want E insulated from the community in which he lives. He is certainly exposed to many cultures and languages at the Waldorf school, but it’s not the same as the rest of the county. Having taught high school nearby and having worked on issues of diversity in honors vs. regular classes, I feel it’s important for my son to get to know a wide variety of people and to learn from an early age that people don’t all think and talk the same.

Of course, I was comforted by a lot of sameness at the Waldorf school. If you’re a parent who eschews most TV and electronic media, it’s great to know that other parents around you do, too. Being on the same page with people is great, and I honestly do think the world looks prettier without big plastic toys or cartoon characters on backpacks. My son is a sponge, and he does notice everything, and sometimes even the smallest exposure translates into wanting things I don’t want him to have or even know about.

But I can’t keep him in a bubble forever on that front, and I can make choices I feel good about at home. I just need to stick to them! And my hope is that our new schedule will make it more possible for me to interact with other Waldorf-inspired friends and homeschooling moms so that I can make my home environment more in line with my values. This is quite a learning curve!

On that topic, I should at least mention that it is not for lack of interest that I’m not homeschooling. Sometimes I think that would be ideal. I just don’t think it’s right for my family at this time, mostly because of my temperament and some because of my son’s super-social nature and his intense early attachment to me that seemed to call for interaction with other adults. I do feel that he benefits tremendously from interacting with other caring adults and with other children in an organized setting on a daily basis.

I still don’t think it would be the right dynamic for him and for me, and it would be hard for me to manage with the baby since I still don’t feel like I know a fraction of what I’d like to know about creating a home. However, if he struggles mightily with this transition or if I feel that public school is wringing out his sense of fantasy and magic, I will consider it until there’s a spot open at the Waldorf school or until we decide it’s time to try public again.

Although I do worry about him having sensory overload in the chaotic and cluttered public K-1 classrooms, E has been in plenty of mainstream settings with camps and other programs, and he always does fine. He usually asks to go back!

On Thursday, I kept him home from his penultimate day of school because he fell out of bed the previous night and split open his lip, which was still incredibly puffy in the  morning. I expected that I would skip visiting Barcroft that day even though I wanted to take photos to write an article about Farm to Table. Around 11:30, the baby had woken up and nursed, and I decided we’d just go ahead and go anyway.

On the way in, we saw our friend who works there part-time, which was a treat. In the cafeteria, E was happy to try snap peas with peanut sauce and yellow squash with a yogurt dip while I chatted up the guest chef and snapped photos (with the baby on my back). He stopped to admire student art in a case on the way out, and when we got home, he offered of his own volition that he had a really nice time and was glad we went.

I felt relieved that he was not freaked out by the setting — the bigger kids, the bright lights, the loud cafeteria — and that he actually felt quite comfortable. Later we picked peas from the garden made an accompanying peanut sauce (which he said tasted just like the one at the school even though I totally made up the recipe). And he was so excited to buy a “yellow cucumber” at the store later that day! I’ve promised to make yogurt dip tomorrow with the yogurt we got at the farmers market on the day Barcroft kicked off its week last Sunday.

While we were there, we saw the outgoing PTA president of the school he will be attending in the fall. E remembered her and her son from the open house he’d attended in February. I whispered to her that he would be going to the school but that we weren’t sure if we’d come to the picnic later this month since we haven’t told E yet. She offered that he would probably be excited to see the big playground. Of course, she also dropped as “carrots” face-painting and ice cream, which are the opposite of a draw for me! But Waldorf parents enjoy their sugar, too, so that’s not a new challenge.

The public school picnic will take place a week after his last day of Waldorf school and three days after the end-of-school picnic, which will be the last big time to see his Waldorf friends and teachers. Of course, we do plan to stay involved in the Waldorf community and to stay in touch with people through playdates. But I wonder if E will feel sad if he goes to the Waldorf picnic without knowing that this is goodbye to the school. His teachers suggested not to talk about next year until August, but I just don’t think that will work for E. He may play “in the moment,” but he also has one heck of a memory and at the same time is often thinking and planning for the future. He is his mother’s child.

We could wait to tell him after the Waldorf picnic but before the new school picnic. Or we could just let the new school picnic seem like another open house; I’ve already sort of mentioned it in that light after seeing the PTA parent. But another little boy down the street is going to the same school in the fall, which I think E will be very happy about, and I’m sure the other boy will probably talk about them going together. And I expect that the other people at the picnic might say things like, “Are you excited to come here next year?!”

So what do I say? How and when do I break the news? Should I skip the picnic and deal with it later, after we’ve gotten back from vacation and he’s settled into his summer camp? I don’t want someone else to tell him before we do, and some of his friends may have gotten the word by now or will soon.

I have wavered from confident to crying and back again many times writing this post. It is beyond long at over 3000 words, and I still haven’t found a place to say the things I blubber to my husband like, “How can he possibly be as loved by teachers who have over 20 students and who have to prepare kids for standardized tests?”

I started this post early this morning, over 16 hours ago, and my snippets of time to write have been brief. Since then, we’ve accommodated E’s request to go to Home Depot to buy some lumber. He suggested maybe it would be right for making a sword. I’m hopeful that we can make some decent efforts to offer him some of what he liked best about the Waldorf school, honor his emotions without mixing them with ours, and present to him a confident decision that the new school is the perfect place for him to go to kindergarten.

I welcome any and all advice on how best to serve his needs in this transition!

Thanks to my friend Elaine for her blog post on leaving the Waldorf school. The title — “Sailing on” — and the photo of her son’s boat have me bawling again!

On all twelve days of Spring Break, Mother Nature gave to me: lots of pollen falling from trees.

There were only supposed to be ten days. And they were going to be full of activities we don’t have the time or energy to do when school is in session.

But then there was pollen.

So much pollen.

And, on the day of my son’s class spring festival (Friday before break started), the county decided to repave the road not even a block away from the park. So the air was filled not only with the sneeze-inducing promise of new growth but also the exhaust of construction vehicles and the toxic-sweet smell of tar (or whatever petroleum-based product they were using).

“I think he’s tired,” the teacher said when I picked up my red-eyed boy that afternoon.

“I had a rough afternoon,” my son said on the way home before explaining why he had to leave the room and go to the office.

We stayed home most of Saturday and Sunday.

Well, Saturday morning, it was raining and we went and did some natural dyeing with folks from his school. But we didn’t follow through on some other plans and didn’t go to the Hidden Oaks Nature Center dinosaur egg hunt. We just hung around while it rained and did some work in the yard when it was sunny, paying for it each time in more eye-rubbing and sneezing by our five-year-old, E.

Monday, a neighbor’s mother took E to the park with her grandson for a glorious two hours. The baby slept the whole time. It was bliss. The three of us had a nice lunch and went to the library and grocery store. I was feeling good about the week ahead.

Tuesday, though, E looked like a heroin addict with his puffy red eyes. Still, I was determined to attend a Waldorf-at-home playgroup/program I hope to take the baby to in the fall when her morning nap might be dropped. The sitter came over and did my dishes while the baby slept, and E and I had a great time at Green Springs Garden Park in the mom-created and -led program, doing the chick pom pom craft and enjoying the story of the giant turnip, and browsing park’s lovely shop. Although I’d already bought Wildflower Bingo, E didn’t know that and liked the looks of Bird Bingo. I decided the cousins would get wildflower and we’d learn about birds. That game got a lot of play over the rest of the week.

What a delight it was to have a fun morning with my son alone knowing that his sister was where she wanted to be — at home, asleep. But still, it was no good on the eyes. (Mind you, I claim to have cleared my seasonal allergies years ago through BioSET allergy elimination, and I think my GFCF diet helps, too. But he has a pretty clean diet and had no trouble last year, so who knows).

So when Wednesday rolled around, I considered meeting up with folks from school at the park but instead honored the baby’s nap and braved annoying traffic for a short trip to the National Zoo. We stuck to the the pizza play area and the farm (which I hear they might close. Check out the website for Save the Kids’ Farm and their Facebook page) and Amazonia, which we’d never gone into before. “I’m going to tell everyone at school I saw a stingray!” E exclaimed, prompting his mother to feel guilty that he doesn’t even remember his one trip to the Baltimore Aquarium over three years ago.

Movers and Preschoolers class at Lil Omm

Thursday morning, I went ahead with plans to go to a “Movers and Preschoolers” yoga class at Lil Omm. I’d already registered and paid (only to find out that my first class is free, so I have a credit on my account). Even though we left late, got stuck in traffic and took a wrong turn, we got there just as class was starting. How fun to see both kids enjoying an activity together. And I got to do a little yoga. Besides, I learned what the heck the Palisades were. And who knew that the elusive organic Granny Smith apple — which has been absent from the shelves at MOMs lately and not at Trader Joe’s, either — would be available by the bag at a small throwback Safeway? We went in to get eye drops and ear drops (E had to have wax removed recently), both of which he resisted using. We left with apples (which may not be in season but are the least sugary and easiest for me to tolerate) and then, when it was clear my paltry prepared snack was too little to sustain my boy if I was going to pick up hand-me-down girl clothes and the farm food on the way home — we returned right after we exited in search of organic cheese (they had only a few options in the house brand.)

I got lucky that the neighborhood girl was available to come over while I prepped dinner and got ready for my Holistic Moms meeting. Baby girl came along and had a great time crawling around with a bunch of age-mates, but she didn’t get to bed until 10:30, roughly four hours later than she should have. Yikes.

Natural dyes for Easter

Friday morning we worked on making natural dyes for egg coloring. I have to admit that I went out and bought white battery eggs (in a styrofoam carton, no less!) merely for the artistic experience of coloring them. I eat so many eggs, I’m pretty greedy about my little pastured treasures. And I just didn’t see how the brown shells would work with dyes, which I’d never created before. I’ll post more later about how I did it, but it was really a delight that my friend K of Blooming Boy came over with her two kids. Her son and mine decorated eggs while the sisters watched from high chairs. She was very patient and kind with my nutty attempt.  It was such a delight to have company.

Saturday E put on “plays” with whatever props he could find, and Sunday (Easter) we did a bunch of cleaning in the morning after I went on a run that felt great. We also planted more flower seeds, many of which have already sprouted! E enjoyed the crafts the Easter Bunny left him and the butterfly/flower puzzle the Switch Witch left in exchange for the candy he didn’t eat from an egg hunt a few weeks earlier. Easter dinner was made largely by papa LJ, which was such a delight.

What the Easter Bunny, the Switch Witch, and his parents gave my son for Easter. (Note eaten carrot.)

Monday was still a holiday from school, and we went to our energy healer who said E’s liver was congested, that he was reacting as much to pesticides and other environmental pollutants as to pollen, and that he was having a hard time digesting sugar and that he needed more probiotic to fight Candida. That afternoon, he got his first bath of baking soda and Epsom salt, which she said he needed daily.

It was clear that he was suffering too much to handle going to school the next morning, so I spent probably an hour that night trying to find a sitter to watch him while baby girl got her very belated newborn hearing test the following morning. I struck out.

Tuesday morning the hearing place called to say they’d have to reschedule, so I stopped rushing around, and, after I put the baby to sleep, E and I had a really nice yoga practice.

I do have to admit that I was assisted this week by the county library’s Spanish/English storytime and “get to know your community” video, Cuentos y Mas (Stories and More) and several audio books. Yes, I realize it was Turn off Your TV Week; it had been off for weeks before this! And at least we avoided characters.

Wednesday morning, the fabulous sitter returned to us and kept both kids happy indoors and out while I had a fabulous nutrition and spiritual consult with a practitioner I consulted years ago before she moved out of the area.  I will have to write more some other time about the gifts she gave me in that hour. At 1:00, I left the sitter to deal with the dishes again and took both kids (because the baby wouldn’t sleep) to see the pediatrician, who said E could return to school and didn’t have contagious pink eye. At 4:00, I took him to a craniosacral appointment, where the practitioner said he was pretty upregulated and that his central nervous system calmed down a lot with  pressure around him as he nestled in her lap. We came home to dinner made (thanks to the sitter chopping vegetables). I managed to get the baby to sleep before heading out to my first postpartum tutoring session.

So, without much in the way of breaks from just plain parenting or dealing with someone’s health, I’ve been a little MIA.

On one hand, I’ve loved not having to get up and go in the morning and seeing what creative stuff my son comes up with on his own. I’ve gotten a little more done in the house, even as it is messier from constant play through the day. I can certainly see the appeal of homeschooling, especially if E were more often somewhat subdued like he was this week. However, I couldn’t do it without some regular childcare — both so that I could attend to E solo rather than split attention with the baby and so that I can take care of my own health. Food preparation for me takes an enormous amount of time, and so does consumption. If I eat rushed or on the go, I’m in a bad way.

I would also want to do it very Waldorf-y, and it does take time to figure out how to do that, at least for someone like me who doesn’t have a foundation of rhythm, ritual, consistency, intentionality, mindfulness. Well, I’m still cultivating that all, anyway.

What I hope is that we get into the public magnet school we really like and that I will then be able to afford/rationalize a little childcare for Baby Girl AJH such that the time I’m with her is rich and enjoyable instead of scattered and so that my home life in general can feel more centered. I am excited about the Waldorf at home communities providing the support for figuring out how to make that a reality.  And if public school doesn’t work out and the Waldorf school is full, I will step away from some other things and just embrace homeschooling until we figure out what’s next.

For now, I look forward to the unscheduled days of summer (after his three-week day camp is over), but I also look forward to another 6 weeks or so of school before that! This morning went well, and we’ll try a full day tomorrow before breaking for the weekend. I will miss the low-key time at home with my son but know he’s getting a lot of his needs met at school in a way I just can’t do at home full-time.

On the night my daughter turns just four months old, why did I just spend 15 minutes to pump three ounces of breastmilk?

On one hand, I know this is a full month later than most working moms have already gone back to the office. By now, they are pros, with freezers stocked with milk and confidence. Well, maybe not, but at least they are fairly set in what they are doing.

On the other hand, many folks in the attachment parenting world (including an earlier version of me) would be aghast at my choice to leave my daughter unnecessarily at such a young age.

You can focus on all the branches at once...

...or just on the big ones.

So why am I doing it?

Reasons for using a babysitter:

Specifically, tomorrow is my son’s schools Advent Garden, and I want to give it — and him — my full attention. I want to be just his mom in an experience that is just his, not something shared by a baby who could cry or demand my boob at any moment. Or just get everyone’s oohs and ahs. I mean, he loves her, and I think he gets a kick out of being big brother, but this is his experience.  It is such a beautiful, reverent time, I want him to be fully present and not stifling — to more likely succumbing to — the urge to tweak his sister’s ears, pet her face, stick his hands under her onesie, or touch his nose to hers.

Generally, I kind of want him to see me as available to him as an individual and not just home all day with the girl while he’s at school. It seems like to not have some other person in his sister’s life, I’m conveying the message that her needs are more important than his or than mine. They are in a lot of ways when she’s so little, but he and I are still people; we’re not erased because she’s now in our lives.

But really, Jessica, beyond this day, why are you considering leaving your daughter (next month) for a full day once a week with a stranger?

Thanks for asking, Other Self.

Well, see, now first of all, she’s not a stranger. She’s a Holistic Mom and someone who has worked at my son’s school. She knows a whole lot more about Waldorf education and raising children than I do. I expect I could stand to learn a lot from her. I’m already rethinking bedtime routine for my son based on our first conversation about childcare.

And another reason why: because I didn’t with my son, and it was, as the kids say, ruff. From seven to seventeen months, he could hardly stand to leave my side. Sure, I do think his high level of comfort now is due in part to the fact that we didn’t push it with him. But I also know how hard it was on me to not be able to tend to my own health needs. I’ve always said if I had another child, I’d want her to know and be comfortable with a few different people before she hit that stage. And with no family in town or doting single friends, that means childcare providers.

Another reason is that, as long as I am going to be a person who takes on responsibilities and has a lot of interests — which is to say, as long as I am true to myself — I think it’s only fair to do what I can to honor my daughter’s needs and rhythms. If she’s in one place all day, she won’t be running errands with me when she’d rather be asleep. She will have 30 fewer minutes in the car and can just settle into one place. If I also get someone to come over to the house, that will let her nap undisturbed at home like she did on Tuesday when my husband drove my son to school.

Let’s face it: I’m not cut out to be a homeschooling mom or to be a mom who doesn’t volunteer or take on various types of work. But I would like to do a little more compartmentalizing and less multitasking. I’d like to just juggle mom/homemaker stuff when my kids are around instead of also feeling like I have to check my email so often or daydream about what I’d be writing if I had more time.

I realize that there will never be “enough” time, but I’m hoping that with some strategic childcare, maybe I can be more focused and feel more fulfilled in how I use my time. I think that would make me a happier person and a better mom and model. Seeing my son literally drop one thing to pursue another doesn’t exactly have me welling up with pride.

I might be singing a different tune tomorrow. Maybe she won’t sleep at all, or she’ll be like my friend’s son and completely refuse a bottle. (How can he not eat all day long?!)

Maybe she’ll disabuse us of the notion that she’s so much more chill than her brother was. Maybe I’ll be writing tomorrow night about how guilty I feel. There was certainly already a twinge of the G-word as I packed the different types of nipples into the bag with extra diapers and clothes.

But I have to give it a shot. I’ll be on call, just spending the first two hours at a coffeeshop and being available to nurse her before I actually have to show up at the school.

I have to admit, though, that I’m hoping I walk away from the morning feeling like the world will not come to an end and the AP officials will not come take away my free toaster oven if, after the new year, I start using childcare even though I don’t have a job.

I’m hoping that if this time around, I just move with confidence instead of guilt and, if I actually hold in my head and heart the belief that everything will be okay, it will be.

How do you figure out what is right, and when?

Author Nancy Piho talks about regular vs. flavored milk and gives out "No Farms, No Food" stickers to students at Arlington's Barcroft Elementary

My visit to Barcroft Elementary school’s Farm to Table celebration (referenced here last week)  is now described in more detail on my column at the Washington Times Communities Family Today. Read “Authors, chefs encourage local, healthy food in schools” and tell me what your school is doing — or not doing — to promote healthy food!

Also check out this related blog post from Nancy Piho, author of My Two-Year-Old Eats Octopus: Raising Children to Love to Eat Everything

I was so disappointed to miss last weekend’s Wise Traditions conference sponsored by the Weston A. Price Foundation. The topic was “The Politics of Food;” I looked forward to hearing about “The Politics of School Lunches” and in participating in the food activism panel with WAPF publicist and food blogger extraordinaire, Kimberly Harkte of Hartke is Online!

Alas, my family got its first cold of the season, my son coming down with a fever the morning after we got home from a trip to his grandparents. He was out of school all week, and though he was better after a trip to the osteopath, he wasn’t well enough for my sister to watch him as planned on Saturday. And my husband was so sick, I knew I couldn’t leave the two of them alone. They needed someone to warm up (and make more) homemade broth, with kombu, garlic, and love.

So healthy baby girl and I were grounded here in Va. all week and weekend, which meant that I wasn’t able to attend the exciting Farm to School Week events organized by Alexandria’s George Mason Elementary (which I wrote about last week in my column at the Washington Times Communities Family Today section and here). So, when I learned this week of equally exciting initiatives at Arlington’s Barcroft Elementary, I jumped at the chance to make a visit.

A poster entices students to try the healthy tastings in the Barcroft cafeteria

Between a baby napping and a boy getting out of preschool, the trip was short, but I was thrilled to meet Nancy Tringali Piho, author of My Two-Year-Old Eats Octopus: Raising Children Who Love to Eat Everything. Nancy talked to kids today about healthy eating in general and, in particular, about regular versus kid-ified (sugared up and colored) dairy products. And she and the parent volunteers handed out “No Farms, No Food” stickers.

Nancy has a great blog; check out her recent posts on Happy Meals! Argh! I’ve wanted to pick up her book since I heard her on The Kojo Nnamdi Show talking about the myth that we have to give children some different kind of menu instead of real food. It’s always inspiring to hear about other moms writing to make a difference.

Author Nancy Tringali Piho at Barcroft Elementary

A longer write-up is in the works. I’ll post a link here when it’s up.

Who knew diner food could be health food? I had no idea that the Silver Diner – a chain of restaurants in Maryland, Virginia, and New Jersey – was on a mission to serve local food and offer healthier choices. When I attended a special evening recently for food bloggers, I got a true taste of the company’s exciting efforts.

A showcase of local food

Chef Ype von Hengst, and his business partner of 26 years, Silver Diner CEO Robert (Bob) Giaimo claim to have been at the forefront of the healthy food movement. The first level, Bob said, is folks who have followed the work of Alice Waters. Then we have the post-Food Inc. generation – people who have seen the movie and are just starting to learn where food comes from. These folks are beginning to understand (thanks probably also to the Ominvore’s Dilemma) what farming in an unsustainable way can do to the soil and to our bodies. They are starting to connect the dots and consider their carbon footprint and are just now willing to pay more for organic or natural food. Silver Diner did a survey that indicated people would be willing to pay more for local, organic and/or naturally-raised food, so the company spent an additional $1 million and raised some prices by 50 cents.

Bob and Ype described what produce and meats they are getting from where (eggs and meat from Black Eagle Farm ), and how the foods are grown and raised. In our folder was a fact sheet about the many reasons why we should eat local produce and organic meat that is raised without antibiotics, hormones or genetically-modified foods.

What an array of local foods! In a diner!

While we enjoyed sampling a number of delectables — including a salad with local blueberries and goat cheese, Virginia mahi mahi with lavender and lemon sauce, gluten-free brownies and a bunch of other lovely items that this gluten-free, dairy-free mama didn’t try — Bob and Ype explained their commitment to getting kids to eat healthy from an early age. “We want to be part of the solution,” Bob said. As such, Silver Diner has a whole lot of options on its kids’ menu, from sides of fruit and veggies to whole wheat spaghetti, eggs from a local Amish farm, and chicken and salmon dishes. When asked, I told Bob that my son had never ordered from a children’s menu, but I’d also never seen one with this many decent options.

Silver Diner is also launching a new “Eat Well, Do Well” rewards program. Participants benefit by getting $5 for every five visits, and local schools stand to benefit if they sign up for the program. Funds raised through the loyalty program — $30,000 — will be given to the first 80 schools who register in the program to help the schools fund their participation in Farm to School Week (the second week of November in Virginia). Additional funding will be allocated to all participating schools throughout the school year to support health and wellness programs.

On June 11, Silver Diner launched a mini farmers market outside the restaurant on Saturday morning with the idea that the local cheeses and other items people can buy in the parking lot will be the same food they can get in the restaurant.

Delicious chicken, and blueberry salad

I was excited to learn about this program and to hear Ype acknowledge his German upbringing where milk was taken fresh from the cow to the table; processing reduces the nutrient value by 40-50%, he said, though he didn’t go on about the merits of raw milk over pasteurized, nor did he address the fact that the kids’ menu features fat-free ice cream instead of ice cream with the fat necessary for nutrient absorption, and, for kids’ brain development. There was a Weston A. Price Foundation chapter leader in attendance who said Ype had been given a lot of information at the last event, and I chatted up Bob about the early 20^th century research of the dentist whose travels brought him a number of important findings, including the realization that people need natural sources of fat.

Gluten-free mini brownie sundae

I do have some questions I’ll be posing to the friendly and engaging Ype when I get a chance – like about fat, about their method of making French fries, the ingredients in their gluten-free foods, what they use for sweeteners, etc. But overall, it’s pretty exciting to see a blackboard of locally-harvested foods in any restaurant, especially a chain diner.

I look forward to learning – and tasting! – more!

Information on other initiatives from the Virginia Farm-to-School Work  Group that developed this partnership is available at http://www.farmtoschool.org/files/publications_285.pdf