Welcome to the October Carnival of Natural Parenting: Money Matters

This post was written for inclusion in the monthly Carnival of Natural Parenting hosted by Code Name: Mama and Hobo Mama. This month our participants have shared how finances affect their parenting choices. Please read to the end to find a list of links to the other carnival participants.

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It might be sacrilegious to be an attachment parenting advocate and say this, but if money were no object, I would hire a live-in babysitter.

I can just hear the clicks away from my site now! No, really! Stay here! I’m not a monster. Let me explain!

I don’t mean I want to farm out parenting to someone else. I don’t mean that I would have someone attend to my baby in the night instead of nurse her, or that I wouldn’t feed an infant on demand, or that I wouldn’t babywear.

I just would like to do all of those things and also retain my mental and physical health.

So what I really want is a village. If I said that, or if I just said “I would get help to be healthy,” would that sound better?

After two easy pregnancies (one ending in a c-section and one a homebirth), I’ve had a rough time the second half of my postpartum years. My thyroid disorder has returned, and I’ve got psoriasis so bad on my knees I’ve been scratching them to bleeding. With my first child, the skin cleared up when he began sleeping through the night at age two. Whether because of my getting uninterrupted sleep or my hormones finally settling down, I don’t know. For a long time I thought it was in large part due to the holistic medicine and energy clearing work I did, and maybe that did help a lot.

The thing is, I couldn’t pursue those healing modalities until I had space and time away from my son. And, with intense separation anxiety, I couldn’t get that time because I just couldn’t invest in a sitter who would be around for him to feel comfortable.

When my daughter came along, I didn’t get to nap with her like I did with my son because now he was an active, social four-year-old with a preschool schedule and a constant desire to hang out with friends or at least with me. Leaving him to play on his own while I got the baby to sleep has never been much of an option, and his willingness to rest alone in his room is about nil.

For many months, I felt like no one’s needs were getting met. I didn’t get to focus on the baby, I didn’t get to focus on my son, I didn’t get to focus on me. The one place I couldn’t cut corners has been with food: I will literally get sick if I don’t make all my food from scratch. A mama who has to plunk her baby in the pack n play while she sits on the potty is not exactly what I envisioned for myself.

So I cook. A lot. And I struggle with modeling the mindfulness I want my children to see when I am constantly doing three things at once. I want to be attentive, but when my mind is so muddled and my body so tired, that’s hard.

Last spring, I got a sitter to help out for a low rate since she can’t drive and the baby might be asleep a lot. But then she ended up being such a help in the house, cleaning dishes and chopping vegetables, folding and putting away laundry. I felt like I could breathe!

And this fall, I’ve found a great sitter — a client of my doula — who wears my daughter. I’m told that Baby A likes to feed the sitter’s son, and I get cute texts on occasion.

Having this help and my son in kindergarten has made such a difference. I doubt we’ll be blessed with a third child, but if I did have to do newborn time all over, I would try to fit in a lot of tutoring and as much freelance editing work I could so that we could justify a lot of help before and after. After seeing other moms benefit from having an au pair who is just around all the time, I covet the ability to just go for a walk or accept a last-minute opening for an acupuncture class without having to spend an hour looking for 80 minutes of childcare coverage.

Other folks I know have family visit periodically, or they live near family members who can just pop over when need be. I wish this were the case for us, but it’s not. One grandmother has more years of travel and help left in her, but the other doesn’t. We just enjoy the time we can spend with her without putting her health over the edge. My sisters have been able to offer some help, but they each have their own three children.

I realize I’m lucky to be in a position that we can afford the healthful food I need to eat and the healthcare appointments I manage to actually make. But if someone handed me an open checkbook, I would fill it with support so that I could really be my best self.

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Visit Code Name: Mama and Hobo Mama to find out how you can participate in the next Carnival of Natural Parenting!

Please take time to read the submissions by the other carnival participants:

(This list will be live and updated by afternoon October 11 with all the carnival links.)

• Money Matter$ — Jenny at I’m a full-time mummy shares her experiences on several ways to save money as a parent.
• A different kind of life… — Mrs Green from Little Green Blog shares her utopian life and how it differs from her current one!
• Show Me The Money! — Arpita of Up, Down & Natural shares her experience of planning for parenting costs while also balancing the financial aspect of infertility treatments.
• Material v Spiritual Wealth – Living a Very Frugal Life with Kids — Amy at Peace 4 Parents shares her family’s realizations about the differences between material and spiritual wealth.
• If I Had a Money Tree — Sheila at A Gift Universe lists the things she would buy for her children if money were no object.
• Financial Sacrifices, Budgets, and the Single Income Family — Jennifer at Hybrid Rasta Mama looks at the importance of living within your means, the basics of crafting a budget, and the “real cost” of working outside of the home.
• Overcoming My Fear of All Things Financial — Christine at African Babies Don’t Cry shares how she is currently overcoming her fear of money and trying to rectify her ignorance of all things financial.
• Confessions of a Cheapskate — Adrienne at Mommying My Way admits that her cheapskate tendencies that were present pre-motherhood only compounded post-baby.
• Money Matters — Witch Mom hates money; here’s why.
• Money? What Money?! — Alicia C. at McCrenshaw’s Newest Thoughts describes how decisions she’s made have resulted in little income, yet a green lifestyle for her and her family.
• What matters. — Laura at Our Messy Messy Life might worry about spending too much money on the grocery budget, but she will not sacrifice quality to save a dollar.
• Making Ends Meet — Abbie at Farmer’s Daughter shares about being a working mom and natural parent.
• Poor People, Wealthy Ways — Sylvia at MaMammalia discusses how existing on very little money allows her to set an example of how to live conscientiously and with love.
• The Green Stuff — Amyables at Toddler In Tow shares how natural parenting has bettered her budget – and her perspective on creating and mothering.
• Jemma’s Money — Take a sneak peek at That Mama Gretchen’s monthly budget and how Jemma fits into it.
• 5 Tips for How to Save Time and Money by Eating Healthier — Family meal prep can be expensive and time-consuming without a plan! Dionna at Code Name: Mama shares five easy tips for how to make your cooking life (and budget) easier.
• Belonging in the Countryside — Lack of money led Phoebe at Little Tinker Tales towards natural parenting, but it also hinders her from realizing her dream.
• Total Disclosure and Total Reform — Claire at The Adventures of Lactating Girl gets down to the nitty gritty of her money problems with hopes that you all can help her get her budget under control.
• Save Money by Using What You Have — Gaby at Tmuffin is only good with money because she’s lazy, has trouble throwing things away, and is indecisive. Here are some money-saving tips that helped her manage to quit her job and save enough money to become a WAHM.
• Two Hippos & Ten Euros: A Lesson in Budgeting — MudpieMama shares all about how her boys managed a tight budget at a recent zoo outing.
• ABBA said it — Laura from A Pug in the Kitchen ponders where her family has come from, where they are now and her hopes for her children’s financial future.
• Money vs. Time — Momma Jorje writes about cutting back on junk, bills, and then ultimately on income as well ~ to gain something of greater value: Time.
• An Unexpected Cost of Parenting — Moorea at MamaLady shares how medical crises changed how she feels about planning for parenthood.
• 5 Ways This Stay at Home Mom Saves Money — Charise at I Thought I Knew Mama shares 5 self-imposed guidelines that help her spend as little money as possible.
• Frugal Parenting — Lisa at My World Edenwild shares 8 ways she saves money and enriches her family’s lives at the same time.
• Conscious Cash Conscious — Zoie at TouchstoneZ shares her 5 money-conscious considerations that balance her family’s joy with their eco-friendly ideals.
• Money, Sex and Having it All — Patti at Jazzy Mama explains how she’s willing to give up one thing to get another. (And just for fun, she pretends to give advice on how to build capital in the bedroom.)
• Money could buy me … a clone? — With no local family to help out, Jessica Claire at Crunchy-Chewy Mama wants childcare so she can take care of her health.
• Spending Intentionally — CatholicMommy loves to budget! Join her to learn what to buy, what not to buy, and, most importantly, where to buy.
• New lessons from an allowance — Lauren at Hobo Mama welcomes a follow-up guest post from Sam about the latest lessons their four-year-old’s learned from having his own spending money.
• How to Homeschool without Spending a Fortune — Deb Chitwood at Living Montessori Now shares tips and links to many resources for saving money while homeschooling from preschool through high school.
• It’s Not a Baby Crisis. It’s Not Even a Professional Crisis. — Why paid maternity leave, you may ask? Rachael at The Variegated Life has some answers.
• “Making” Money — Do you like to do-it-yourself? Amy at Anktangle uses her crafty skills to save her family money and live a little greener.
• Money On My Mind — Luschka at Diary of a First Child has been thinking about money and her relationship with it, specifically how it impacts on her parenting, her parenting choices, and ultimately her lifestyle.
• Spending, Saving, and Finding a Balance — Melissa at The New Mommy Files discusses the various choices she and her family have made that affect their finances, and finds it all to be worth it in the end.
• Accounting for Taste — Cassie at There’s a Pickle in My Life shares their budget and talks about how they decided food is the most important item to budget for.
• Money Matters… But Not Too Much — Mamapoekie at Authentic Parenting shares how her family approaches money without putting too much of a focus onto it.
• Parenting While Owning a Home Business — In a guest post at Natural Parents Network, Lauren at Hobo Mama lays out the pros and cons of balancing parenting with working from home.
• Crunchy Living is SO Expensive…Or Is It? — Kelly at Becoming Crunchy talks about her biggest objection to natural living – and her surprise at what she learned.
• Mo’ Money, Mo’ Problems — Sarah at Parenting God’s Children shares how a financial accountability partner changed her family’s finances.
• The Importance of Food Planning — Amanda at Let’s Take the Metro discusses how food budgeting and planning has helped her, even if she doesn’t always do it.
• Kids & Money: Starting an Allowance for Preschoolers — Kristin at Intrepid Murmurings discusses her family’s approach and experiences with starting an allowance for preschoolers.

It felt like a graduation. I completed my 10-Day Yoga Challenge Monday yesterday, taking my fourth class with the Anusara-inspired teacher who told me and the other students that we were all ready to kick it up a notch. We’d all gotten comfortable with her repeated calls to isometrically draw our legs together and to hug in, she said, stroking our egos. So now we could reach for “organic” energy to reach out and beyond, to “party in the pose.”

I was happy to end my 10-day intensive on this upbeat note, especially after Day Nine’s call to “play.” Although I was feeling behind the eight ball from having woken late and frazzled for hearing my daughter start crying the minute the babysitter walked in the door, I took the hint to really charge my practice. I imagined a carnival of colors in my limbs, all enjoying the way they complemented each other.

Not enough time had passed before this 10 a.m. class for me to feel sore from the previous day’s afternoon class, though, today, the day after, I feel my core awakened. I am reminded that one needs to keep working to keep getting stronger.

I will save more reflections on my experiment as a whole for a few more days, when the dust has settled and I get through some other deadlines. However, my immediate reaction is generally of happiness that I not only attended ten yoga classes in ten days but also that I wrote about them all each day. That feels great. Go Jess!

What does not feel great is the sense that, while both yoga and writing practices are incredibly healing for me, it’s nearly impossible to do them both and also live in the real world of my house with two children and a husband, a lot of irons in the fire in terms of work (volunteer and otherwise), and a special diet.

Obviously I don’t have to drive 20-40 minutes to a studio every day. I can take elements of this experiment to a more practical and less extreme approach, like a solo practice in the basement or classes at a closer studio or on the weekend. And my baby will not be exclusively breastfed and separation-anxious forever.

Still, I admit that I had a hard time holding onto the vibe of the “party” as the (hot!) afternoon wore on, and the baby wouldn’t sleep, and I had to go out to attend the last meeting of my son’s Waldorf preschool/kindergarten, which he still doesn’t know he won’t be attending next year.

The vibrant colors that were tired of partying in my muscles later swirled in the more confined space of my heart through the night, getting me out of bed at 4 a.m. to create some semblance of order by sorting napkins and paying my credit card bill.

I hope I can keep cultivating the voices of my teachers during my more challenging times, which I expect to abound during long summer days with a child out of school and another about to walk.

I hope to play, shine, radiate and all that good stuff, even when I fear too much indulgence in “partying” is going to come with a hangover of dirty dishes, unpaid bills, and piles of laundry.

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How do you literally find the time to meet your own needs and keep things moving along at home without making uncomfortable compromises?

Other posts in this series:

Day One: The challenge begins!

Day Two: “Let your bottom blossom”

Day Three: “Shine!”

Day Four: “Surrender”

Day Five: “Root and reach”

Day Six: “Brighten the belly”

Day Seven: “Reveal”

Day Eight: “Expose your heart”

Day Nine: “Play”

Day Ten: “Party in the pose”

By now, most readers have probably heard the sad news that Mothering magazine is going to cease publication. If not, read Peggy O’Mara’s explanation here.

I found out in an email from the web editor regarding a piece I was writing for Mothering.com, which is still going strong, she said. I was happy to have had the opportunity to write this report from the Hirshhorn Museum nurse-in.

Me at the Hirshhorn nurse-in with my Feminist Breeder blog fan gear tote: "Birthing, Breastfeeding, Beautiful Feminist"

I also had a March 1 deadline for a feature piece on chiropractic for healthy families for the print magazine. It was an exciting opportunity, but as I kept facing challenges with canceled school due to snow and illness, and canceled work time due to a non-sleeping baby, I questioned the wisdom of the timing of my having pitched and won this assignment!

So, although I am beyond sad for the loss of this important magazine (and so glad that I have tons of back issues!), I was personally relieved to let one thing slide off my plate (through no fault of my own). I would still like to pull together a version of the article for another venue within the next four months (so, that puts us at July 1); I’ve conducted lots of interviews and have some great info. But I still need more time to research and compose, not to mention become familiar enough with the other venue options to make sure my piece would fit their needs and readership.

I’m still finding it a challenge to carve a path as a working-at-home mom, volunteering mom, stay-at-home mom with no childcare or local family, and a mom with health issues that need appointments, exercise, and a high-maintenance diet. That set of roles is in addition to being even a remotely available or compassionate wife, friend, daughter, and sister. And even mother, because while I’m here in person and as logistics lady, laundry lady and cook, I feel like I have been checked out even from my kids. I know that pursuing passions is important to my mental health, and it’s something I want my kids to see, but I also want them to think that they and their dad are supremely loved.

So I’m going to work on that! While I don’t expect to do a ton of saying no to things, somehow this article being pulled out from under me made me feel like it’s okay to throw up my hands and say, “Oh, well.” Not everything can be done all the time. I will not always be mother to a baby who can’t even sit up by herself, and some things can, in fact, wait. So I will probably pursue a little less in terms of new and future projects and try to just stay on top of now. (And by now, I do mean the present moment, but also deal with some of the backlog that clutters my desk and mind).

I still wish I’d been able to have a feature published in Mothering, but at least I did get a news brief about VBAC in last year’s May/June print edition (here is the longer version online). And I hope the new business model will allow them to maintain a strong web presence that I can perhaps contribute more in the future.

What a surprise I got tonight when my Holistic Moms co-leaders and members presented me with flowers and a (gluten-free, dairy-free, soy-free, refined-sugar-free) cake at our monthly meeting!

Holistic Moms Arlington/Alexandria co-leaders: Leigha, me (Jessica), and Mary

We decided not to do a huge anniversary party again this year after last year’s blow out, and I wasn’t really missing all the stress! But they kept the anniversary in mind and were so kind to honor me for starting the chapter on my own two years ago (two days after spending the entire day trying to get home from the inauguration before going back out to a ball. What a week!).

It’s been a lot of work from the start, and lately I’ve been a little grumpy about how much time I spend on Holistic Moms, in part because both my co-leaders are stepping down. Don’t get me wrong: leading the chapter contributes a lot to my sense of self because I feel like it makes a positive difference in the lives of others. As I said in my intro tonight, if even one child is helped because one parent saw a flyer or email post about our Special Diets meeting and got a bug in his/her ear to investigate food sensitivities, then all the effort is worth it.

And yet, it’s a lot of effort, and my children and spouse deserve that kind of attention and devotion. I often feel I shortchange them with my various interests (Holistic Moms being just one of them, but connected to most of the others), and yet I also know that it doesn’t send a positive message to hold myself back and not pursue my passions. I want my children to see their mama as a committed and involved person who makes a positive contribution to others’ lives. I just want that to include their lives, too! And their dad’s!

As I stand in this space of hoping for new help to run the chapter — and hoping to find the right childcare fit to let me work from home on this and other holistic-health-related pursuits — it was really lovely to feel heartfelt and totally unexpected appreciation from the people who have supported me in the development of the chapter. The meeting was great, and I’m hopeful for a sustainable future.

Thank you, everyone! And happy birthday to me and to us!

This year’s Advent Garden at my son’s Waldorf school was no less magical than last year’s. This time I wasn’t pregnant, though, so I was slightly less emotional on one hand and more so on the other because it was the first time I’d left my baby with a childcare provider.  I’m glad I did so that my son could have me all to himself, and so that I could focus on the beauty of the string music and the gently brightening room as each child lit an apple candle and placed it on a golden star.

I had hoped to spend the baby-free  morning before Advent Garden just reading at a bookstore, but instead I forgot my snack and my son’s afterschool snack (which he’d need while I nursed the baby at the sitter’s), so I bought some bars at the Vitamin Shoppe.  That was next to the AT&T store, where I decided to ask for help to set up email on my new Blackberry. The woman who helped me trade in the Android a few weeks ago helped me again and finally figured out that she hadn’t completed the exchange, so AT&T thought I still had the Samsung. So I spent all my baby-free time (on the clock, so not free!) in the store. At one point I got out the new issue of Mothering and read the article on taming anger, trying to put in practice each sentence.

But once I got into that beautiful place and held my little boy on my lap, the outside world faded away. I knew my daughter was in good hands (and was full, because I’d gone over to the sitter’s when she texted that the baby woke up and took a little but not much milk). I knew the  clerk didn’t mean to screw up my exchange. I knew my son would probably enjoy the bars as much as the snack I’d made (or more).

So I succumbed to the stillness and brought the candle light into my heart.

Here is the post I wrote after last year’s Advent Garden at my column on the Washington Times Communities.

When I walked into the room holding my son’s hand, I felt a rush of senses. The smell of fresh evergreens instantly transported me into a magical wintertime. I felt the profound calm of the darkened room, lit only by one candle in the middle of the spiral of greens and a few candles in the corner lighting the music for the woman playing the lyre. This was the definition of reverence.

Would you believe that 12 young children, aged three and four, walked silently into the room for this preschool Advent Garden? No questions, no shouts of “yay!” or “wow!” They were just there in the moment, taking it all in. This is why I’ve chosen Waldorf education for my son.

I admit that I haven’t read much about Waldorf beyond You Are Your Child’s First Teacher and Beyond the Rainbow Bridge (and a handful of articles), but I’ve learned a lot through attending last year’s parent-child class and through parent meetings with teachers. I love that Waldorf invites children to appreciate simplicity and that it just holds them there.

As a former English teacher, I used to ask my students to think a lot – about what we read, about what they saw, and, perhaps above all – about their own thinking. The latter was primary when I taught Introduction to Women’s Studies to college students. It’s not that I don’t believe those skills or processes to be valuable anymore. I just don’t think they are appropriate for little minds.

Our children will have a lifetime to answer questions and ask questions they seriously want to know the answers to. Right now, when my son is not even four and is experiencing so many things for the first time, I want him to just be there in the moment. And he doesn’t need to know why things work the way they do. I’d rather he make something up, or make a guess.

I talk a lot, and it’s a challenge for me not to engage in an intellectual way when my highly verbal son poses questions with such curiosity. But if I answer him, where does the curiosity go? What good will it do him to learn something by my telling him instead of him figuring it out on his own?

Walking into the Advent Garden, I felt a profound sense of connection to the natural world and the spiritual world. I grew up with a lot of TV and no religion, and I was moved to tears just by entering this magical room. It was a thing of beauty to watch each student’s face reflect the glow of his or her apple candle as it was lit from the central candle. The room gradually grew brighter as more and more candles appeared around the spiral of greens.

My friend, a Hindu woman raised in the U.S. by Indian parents, had the same visceral reaction, being moved to tears by the Advent Garden. When I was in graduate school, I did a lot of writing and discussing, and I criticized the word “universal,” positing that every aspect of “reality” was socially constructed. Now, when I witness or participate in Waldorf rituals, I have a profound sense of connectedness to all living beings. Without a word.

The loudest sound was a three-year-old whispering in anticipation of such a special moment. Everything else was communicated with hands, held or with simple gestures inviting the children on their individual walks.

This is not to say that loud music and flashing lights or exclamations of excitement are bad or wrong. It’s just to say that it’s amazing what kind of beauty can rest in place when none of those things are expected.

And when sheer wonder is allowed to hang in the air, quiet as the gently plucked strings of a lyre.

On the night my daughter turns just four months old, why did I just spend 15 minutes to pump three ounces of breastmilk?

On one hand, I know this is a full month later than most working moms have already gone back to the office. By now, they are pros, with freezers stocked with milk and confidence. Well, maybe not, but at least they are fairly set in what they are doing.

On the other hand, many folks in the attachment parenting world (including an earlier version of me) would be aghast at my choice to leave my daughter unnecessarily at such a young age.

You can focus on all the branches at once...

...or just on the big ones.

So why am I doing it?

Reasons for using a babysitter:

Specifically, tomorrow is my son’s schools Advent Garden, and I want to give it — and him — my full attention. I want to be just his mom in an experience that is just his, not something shared by a baby who could cry or demand my boob at any moment. Or just get everyone’s oohs and ahs. I mean, he loves her, and I think he gets a kick out of being big brother, but this is his experience.  It is such a beautiful, reverent time, I want him to be fully present and not stifling — to more likely succumbing to — the urge to tweak his sister’s ears, pet her face, stick his hands under her onesie, or touch his nose to hers.

Generally, I kind of want him to see me as available to him as an individual and not just home all day with the girl while he’s at school. It seems like to not have some other person in his sister’s life, I’m conveying the message that her needs are more important than his or than mine. They are in a lot of ways when she’s so little, but he and I are still people; we’re not erased because she’s now in our lives.

But really, Jessica, beyond this day, why are you considering leaving your daughter (next month) for a full day once a week with a stranger?

Thanks for asking, Other Self.

Well, see, now first of all, she’s not a stranger. She’s a Holistic Mom and someone who has worked at my son’s school. She knows a whole lot more about Waldorf education and raising children than I do. I expect I could stand to learn a lot from her. I’m already rethinking bedtime routine for my son based on our first conversation about childcare.

And another reason why: because I didn’t with my son, and it was, as the kids say, ruff. From seven to seventeen months, he could hardly stand to leave my side. Sure, I do think his high level of comfort now is due in part to the fact that we didn’t push it with him. But I also know how hard it was on me to not be able to tend to my own health needs. I’ve always said if I had another child, I’d want her to know and be comfortable with a few different people before she hit that stage. And with no family in town or doting single friends, that means childcare providers.

Another reason is that, as long as I am going to be a person who takes on responsibilities and has a lot of interests — which is to say, as long as I am true to myself — I think it’s only fair to do what I can to honor my daughter’s needs and rhythms. If she’s in one place all day, she won’t be running errands with me when she’d rather be asleep. She will have 30 fewer minutes in the car and can just settle into one place. If I also get someone to come over to the house, that will let her nap undisturbed at home like she did on Tuesday when my husband drove my son to school.

Let’s face it: I’m not cut out to be a homeschooling mom or to be a mom who doesn’t volunteer or take on various types of work. But I would like to do a little more compartmentalizing and less multitasking. I’d like to just juggle mom/homemaker stuff when my kids are around instead of also feeling like I have to check my email so often or daydream about what I’d be writing if I had more time.

I realize that there will never be “enough” time, but I’m hoping that with some strategic childcare, maybe I can be more focused and feel more fulfilled in how I use my time. I think that would make me a happier person and a better mom and model. Seeing my son literally drop one thing to pursue another doesn’t exactly have me welling up with pride.

I might be singing a different tune tomorrow. Maybe she won’t sleep at all, or she’ll be like my friend’s son and completely refuse a bottle. (How can he not eat all day long?!)

Maybe she’ll disabuse us of the notion that she’s so much more chill than her brother was. Maybe I’ll be writing tomorrow night about how guilty I feel. There was certainly already a twinge of the G-word as I packed the different types of nipples into the bag with extra diapers and clothes.

But I have to give it a shot. I’ll be on call, just spending the first two hours at a coffeeshop and being available to nurse her before I actually have to show up at the school.

I have to admit, though, that I’m hoping I walk away from the morning feeling like the world will not come to an end and the AP officials will not come take away my free toaster oven if, after the new year, I start using childcare even though I don’t have a job.

I’m hoping that if this time around, I just move with confidence instead of guilt and, if I actually hold in my head and heart the belief that everything will be okay, it will be.

How do you figure out what is right, and when?

There are a lot of emails I haven’t responded to and much more interesting posts I’ve written and never finished getting list to and so never posted. There are a million books I could read while I’m nursing, but at this moment, I feel the need to shout publicly that I am going insane!

Yesterday my son and I watched some video from when he was two. I had to cry to see myself getting a such a kick out of every little thing he would say. That’s because now he will not. Shut Up. I’m sorry, but I cannot stand the incessant stream of commentary. He asks questions about any particle of dust that falls or any grunt the baby makes. He offers unsolicited opinions on everything including activities he wants or doesn’t want to do (today or next summer),  food he wants to eat or doesn’t want to eat (now or for his next birthday), musings on when he’ll see again a child he played with for 20 minutes once at a park that is not in our neighborhood.

There are also mini-tantrums of “No!” and “I want it now!” and the regressive “Uppie!” (pick me up), and yes, those are annoying. But it’s the constant barrage of words coupled with his omniscient physical presence that is maddening. He will not leave us alone. All the baby has to do is sigh, and he is up in her grill., kissing her, stroking her head. Scratch that; she doesn’t have to sigh. She just has to be in the vicinity. No, wait; that’s not right either. She just has to be in the house and, like a heat-seeking missile, he must find her. Yes, I know this is sweet. But all good things in moderation, right? Moder-who, my boy would ask? Screw that; he’s all about intensity.

I wish I could chuckle at it all, but I’m tired. The most common phrase around here lately is “I’m just going to look at her” said with a faux-reassuring tone and raised eyebrows for added innocence factor. He also likes to state reality a lot, as in, “Oh, she’s (fill-in-the-verb)ing.” Other less intelligible sounds include “Bleah!” “Vrroom!” and “Raarr!” accompanied by scary faces and claw hands. This is where I start to remember being a little girl and thinking that boys were kind of bizarre creatures. When you’re holding a crying being who weighs less than 10 pounds, and a 40-pound freak comes charging at you with rival volume, well, it’s a little hard for this mama to remember what she learned in Playful Parenting.

So can I be blamed for counting the minutes until preschool starts on Thursday? My very social kid has a mom who, though extroverted, too, has a strong need for quiet thinking time. And since I am now a nursing mom of a baby that is getting increasingly awake, the minutes I have of quiet that do not also involve me leaning forward to offer my breast or my body supporting baby weight in a sling are numbered. The fact that those minutes are supposed to serve multiple purposes of house chores and cooking and anything-more-than-tolerating my son is posing a challenge for me.

His afternoon playdate just picked him up! Quick! Back to the laptop, Bat-mommy! Strap on the Breast Friend pillow again and nurse the baby into a milky coma, then go get the diapers from the washer that just beeped and hang them out in the sun. Then try in vain to do some of cleaning that the preschooler is so good at quickly undoing when I attempt it in his presence… Okay, forget getting the baby to sleep and instead change a newly poopy diaper while fantasizing about re-posting the stuff that didn’t go the first time on Craigslist or Freecycle or just putting it in my husband’s car to go to Goodwill. At some point — maybe after successfully initiating a sling-induced nap and then setting the baby down with crossed fingers that she’ll stay asleep — take a shower and get ready to pick up aforementioned loud boy-creature to take him to friend’s BBQ where I thoroughly expect to feel small and jealous in the presence of real working moms.

Add clean up baby’s first puke to that list and that takes us up to the present!

Sigh. Sometimes it’s easier to mother when your child is really in a rough state.

My son has been mildly sick for over a week, just sick enough that he’s been unable to go to school. And I’ve been unable to work. It’s been a delight to see him fully immersed in play by himself, to have three meals a day with him, and to see him grow developmentally — like actually being interested in creating representational art instead of scribbles. And, at the same time, it’s also been incredibly frustrating to not have any time to focus on anything either in my head (writing, volunteer work for Holistic Moms) or in my body (meditating, doing yoga, focusing on the baby in my belly). I have really been impatient for him to hurry up and get well!

The weekend offered some respite, but it was not as restful as the boy needed. Though I do appreciate his dad taking him out to Home Depot to buy garden supplies and then involving the boy while he worked, clearly the activity (and the insane wind!) tired both of them out such that sick one needed another day home on Monday to recoup. I was not pleased and felt sorry for myself.

He declared himself “still sick” and not well enough to go to school, and I decided not to push it. He’s never had Tylenol or any other drug, and I’m not one to just push him through because I don’t think that is going to do him any favors in the long run. But this letting the body heal approach sure takes time! It seemed like he needed a transition day to warm to the idea of getting back out in the world. He’s a very social kid and is always saying he wants to see friends, but I think he got pretty used to being home all day when he could rub his face on his mama’s growing belly at his leisure (well, not really, but it sure was more accessible than when we’re apart!)

After a very low-key morning, we had an afternoon visit from a friend who was dropping off some pregnancy and baby items now that she’s had her son. All day, E was asking, “When is Liz coming over?” He hasn’t even played with her daughters in months, but he really wanted company.

And yet, while we were at the park, he started to melt. He didn’t know what to do with himself. He was hungry but wouldn’t eat the apple I cut up when we got back. I ended up having to kick out my friends because he was just crying like a baby. Reminder: he’s four. I couldn’t believe what I had on my hands.

Fortunately, the dinner was mostly made, so we ate just after 5:00. “I want to go to bed,” he whined, and I complied as soon as I felt his belly was full enough. “I guess Daddy’s going to have to celebrate his birthday by himself,” he sighed, then offering with a little glint of possibility, “Or maybe we can celebrate in the morning.”

Although he was more stable by the time we got upstairs, I had seen him really hit bottom, and out came my fierce unconditional love tools. I wanted only for him to feel better in his body, mind, and spirit and to know that everything was going to be okay by seeing me not lose it (and nourish myself — I was not going up there on an empty stomach, either!)

So I held him like a baby while looking through my homeopathy books to see if Pulsatilla was the best choice. I chose four Bach flower remedies I thought might help: Mimulus, Aspen, Larch, and Gentian. At dinner, I made sure he finished his broth from a gelatin-rich batch of stock I made and added apple juice to water with a little electrolyte powder so he’d be sure to hydrate. Once upstairs, I wiped his face and feet with a wet washcloth with lavender oil and then gave him a foot massage before we put on clean socks.

After reading two stories, I felt compelled to sing to him — to make him some kind of offering–, but he declined the offer of a serenade. So I told him how, when he was in my belly, I sang to him every morning and that after he was born, his dad and I sang to him while he held one of each of our fingers. With the storytelling preamble, he let me sing “You Are My Sunshine,” somehow ignoring how my voice broke and noticing (or saying) only after I was done, “You’re crying!” I smiled and told him it was because I loved him so much.

He climbed into bed and fell asleep while I closed rocked in the chair. I left at 6 p.m.

But then he woke three more times in the next few hours. I took one of these shifts and just laid next to him and let him feel as close to me as he needed to. His dad handled the other two wakings, and when the boy came into our bed after going potty sometime in the night, he slept soundly and woke at 6:15 a.m. talking about how he remembered one time Caillou got sick and had to stay home. Before I knew it, he was jumping on the bed, and two hours later, I was handing him over to his teacher, who seemed very happy to have him back!

It will take a while to crawl out from under all the backlog I have to get to the place I expected to be mid-week last week: shifting my focus to my baby and my body. But I’m confident that some of these steps along the way — the bonding with my son, the benefits I got when I found a craniosacral therapist who would work on both of us, the memory of how powerful it is to nourish and nurture another being who is seemingly helpless– were all important in their own way.

Yesterday I finally got to see the Georgia O’Keefe exhibit at the Phillips Collection before its final weekend. However, although it was a lovely afternoon out in the city, it didn’t quite hit all the sweet spots I was looking for after a week of staying home with a sick son.

Read my post — “Mom’s afternoon out thwarted” – at DC Metro Moms Blog to learn more.

It feels good to look forward to seeing your son. Lately I’ve felt so swamped — and especially after all that snow with no break — I haven’t exactly loved all my many minutes with my boy.

Today I went to the National Institutes of Health for a conference on Vaginal Birth After Cesarean (VBAC), which I hope to write about in more depth later. But the experience of the day was something in and of itself. Getting dressed in real-people clothes, taking my boy to a friend’s so she could drive him to school and pick him up, getting on a crowded Metro during rush hour, and then listening to a lot of doctors talk about best outcomes for moms and babies… Well, it was intense. Especially considering that I’m 4 months pregnant and hoping for a home VBAC (HBAC) with baby #2.

I knew E would probably be okay, but I also knew it was a long day for both of us. We were both exhausted when I picked him up from the park. I could not wait to trade my button-down and blazer for a sweatshirt and just sit on the couch hugging and talking to him. If we weren’t both hungry with dinner nowhere in sight, I would have happily sat there for an hour. It felt good for that to feel so good.

For someone always looking at her watch and struggling to just be in the moment when I really want to be writing or researching or exercising, that uncomplicated couch time was a true delight.