When I first took Rene Hackney’s Positive Discipline class as part of a play and workshop series at Parenting Playgroups, my son wasn’t even two, and he was too cute for words. Just coming off of some intense separation anxiety and just starting to string together sentences, he could do no wrong. It was easy to practice what the class preached, and to think that everyone else could and should, too!

Now, not so much. He’s goofy and quirky and whiny and annoying. My tolerance is low. It’s like I turned back into a teenager and he turned into the parent I roll my eyes at. I forgot what it was like to cringe this much. There’s potty talk, a host of demands, and a never-ending string of bizarre mashups of language — real English words and things that would seem to rhyme.

And it’s sweet that he loves his baby sister, but not when he becomes a health hazard. There’s the risk of suffocation by adoration, the chance he could get so excited about her that he squeezes her toys clear off.

It’s not exactly attractive, this new attitude of impatience and distaste of mine. I am not committed to being this kind of parent, and I hope it wears off when he hits a new developmental stage, or when I’m less newly postpartum and sleep-deprived.

A packed crowd listens to Kirk Martin at Arlington Central Library

But I do have to admit that I find myself saying and doing a lot of things that I know better than to say or do. It would help to re-read some material (some books I like are in this post), and I plan to take Rene’s play and workshop class again when baby girl is a playful tot. When I heard good things about Kirk Martin’s “Celebrate Calm” workshops happening in my area, I decided to check one out.

I was not disappointed. There is something about hearing someone dramatize parental anger that sends chills up your spine. He was that dad, for nine years. Even if I haven’t sunk to the depths of many of his examples, I could identify with the emotion behind them more often than I ‘d like to admit. And I was feeling like my husband could, too, so I begged him to go to one of the sessions later that evening.

The first and most important thing Martin said is something I know I should know — that our job as parents is to control our behavior and to teach children how to control theirs. We can’t think of ourselves as “responsible” for what kids do, as though we have to fix them or clean up after them, as though we’re supposed to control them. And we can’t let them control us by letting ourselves lose our composure because of something a child says or does. We just have to be the kind of people we would like for them to become. That means patient, compassionate and, yes, calm.

I have read this in books and practiced it with Rene’s workbook. I have complained to my husband about acquaintances who say things like “What is wrong with you?” to their kids and even blogged once about a mom’s negative behavior in a toddler class. I have tried very hard to be a positive mama. But life looks a whole lot different with a four-and-a-half-year-old who is a big brother than it did with just a toddler. So I’m glad I got some powerful reminders and some new  insights.

Kirk Martin at a Celebrate Calm presentation

One thing Martin said that I hadn’t heard elsewhere was about video games, something I hope we can stay far away from for a very long time, even if I have caved somewhat on screen time in terms of watching TV. Video games, Martin said, are so appealing because they are consistent. The rules never change. Kids always know what to expect.

Waldorf education is big on consistency. Children thrive when they feel safe and secure, when they fall into a comfortable rhythm. It’s too much freedom or too many peaks and valleys that pose challenges for kids.

So video games provide a techno substitute for consistency when home life — and parental emotions — are erratic. No wonder they are so appealing.

I’ve been trying to wrap my head around a more rhythmic life for a while, and this point about video games and the importance of creating the right home environment for calm and peace — the morning after I heard Waldorf educator Jack Petrash say many of the same things at a lecture.

It’s inspiring when approaches dovetail and the path becomes clear. I haven’t even popped in any of the Celebrate Calm DVDs I bought, but I swear that attending that morning and sending my husband that night were like shots in our arm, boosters (if you’ll pardon the vaccine analogy) to our rekindle our previously waning commitment to a positive, happy home.

And I have to say, seeing the packed crowd hear this man speak — especially with all he had to say about sensory issues and other contributors to behavior, including food — I felt hopeful for a whole generation.

Although we are not media-free, I’ve avoided full-length feature films and had not considered taking my son to a movie before the age of six, at least. It just seems like way too much stimulation, not to mention the whole Waldorf thing about media stifling kids’ imaginations.

But when I saw the trailer for the movie Babies after a friend suggested we moms go as a night out, I felt like it would be a good thing for my husband and me to see together to jazz up our anticipation of baby #2 (as opposed to just wondering how the hell we’re going to handle such a drastic change). Then, thinking about paying for childcare to see the movie, I considered that maybe our four-year-old would enjoy it. And heck, it was only going to be 79 minutes!

So today, knowing another pregnant friend and her husband were taking their two daughters, we went as a family, arriving about 90 seconds before the lights went down so as not to have to waste any preschooler patience (and just because we are never early to anything).

It was great. Well, the last 20 minutes, the boy managed to tip over a chair (this was a drafthouse theater) and try out sitting in at least three others, a redheaded Goldilocks. But other than that, he saw lots of cool things. There were tons of animals and four amazingly different locales and ways of life. And four babies just being babies.

I love that his first experience of a movie was of one without narration or fast-paced cartoon images. I love that he just watched and for the most part appreciated — life just going on. He laughed, he said, “Aw” a lot, he asked a bunch of questions. He saw a whole lot of breastfeeding and tender mother-child moments, which I think is great considering he’s getting a sister in some four weeks.

As for his parents, we were struck (as many almost-upper-middle-class white parents in the Western world might be) about how silly are our notions about doing things solely for our kids and spending so much time reading to them and reading about parenting. Not that I’m never going back to a Music Together class, but how can you not remark on the juxtaposition of those white folks in a San Francisco rec room singing that Native American chant “The earth is our mother, we must take care of her” against images of the boy in Namibia (who needs no instruction other than simple living to understand that concept) gleefully dancing to his mother’s clapping.

I don’t mean to essentialize as though rural folks are all inherently good and simple and us selfish and complicated American consumers are just burdens on the world. That’s not a very nuanced analysis. But I do agree with my husband’s assessment of the film shortly after we got home: “Kind of makes you feel stupid for wanting anything.” Yes, and sort of embarrassed for letting the entertainment or edification of a child become so darn much its own thing instead of letting the child learn by observing and participating in  its community.

There’s more to process, but I’m glad my husband and I saw the film together as partners expecting a child. We’ve already referenced the film several times, including in a childbirth prep class. And I’m glad we took my son to help him see the idea of having children as something people do everywhere, and also to see that people live in a lot of different places and ways.

Watch out parents: there’s a new show in town trying to convince your kids that it knows something about healthy eating. Before I share my concerns about PBS’s new show, “Fizzy’s Lunch Lab,” I’d like to describe the kind of show about healthy eating I would actually consider allowing my son to watch.

There would be lovely images of farms, farmers markets, orchards, produce aisles, and, of course, gardens of all types – backyard, patio, windowsill, balcony, community/shared. Featured foods would be fresh and whole – as close to the source as possible. A connection to nature would be everywhere with innovative ways to bring nature to the city and to pack in a lot of growing like the national non-profit organization, Growing Power, Inc.

I’m a mom who makes nutrition a top priority, and, after looking closely at this show, I think PBS has really missed the mark in its attempt to encourage healthy eating with “Fizzy’s Lunch Lab.”

Read the rest of this review — about the lack of green on the show, the lack of understanding about healthy fats, and the overselling of grains — on my guest blog post at Kimberly Hartke’s blog, HartkeIsOnline.com. Thanks, Kimberly!

This post originally appeared on DC Metro Moms on November 6, 2009

Gym Childcare: Mandatory TV?

I wouldn’t even consider leaving if the monthly fees weren’t so expensive. Well, that and I must say I was intrigued by the idea of a spa on site at the new place – I could work out AND get a pedicure or a massage for $1/hour childcare! It had better evening and weekend parking, and a saline pool, not to mention newer exercise equipment. And a friend of mine says the yoga is good. But TV as a requirement for my three-year-old?
Sorry, but I pay sitters to play with my kid specifically so I won’t have to resort to the TV. I spent way too many hours as a kid learning how to talk trash from “General Hospital,” and I just don’t like how my son acts when he’s all hyped up on visual stimulation. Waldorf education claims that early media exposure just keeps kids from doing their natural think of imagining stuff themselves. Even if I didn’t agree with that, I know that if I’m already bringing my son to a busy, chaotic gym, I might have to peel him off the walls to get him back home. Now what does that do to my yoga buzz?
To his credit, the manager was nice, if surprised. He didn’t know about the policy, and, when the inquiry I sent to the company headquarters was forwarded directly to him, he reiterated in an email to me that, as a father, he understood my concerns, and they would work on the noise level. Indeed, when I picked up my son that one day, the sound was low, and the show was a cartoon.
But the manager also said the company takes customer concerns very seriously. So then why haven’t I gotten an answer almost three months later? I’d like to know what they are thinking with this policy. I finished out my trial week without a second childcare visit, and in the end I decided that the new place with its multiple music video screens on every wall was actually too high-strung even for grown-up me. I think it’s just not the right fit, but the lower cost did inspire me to quit my other gym, too. Now that my son is in preschool and I have more flexibility (but less cash), I’m headed for the cheap county fitness center, and the bike trail.
I received a promotional email from the new gym manager last week and asked him if he ever heard back from corporate. I told him why I didn’t expect to join the gym right now, including a note that I would want to at least get a response on the company’s rationale for a policy I disagreed with on its face. He wrote back a quick thanks with “let me know if I can ever be of service,” which I responded to by asking again what the reasoning for the policy was.
Now the gym is strangely quiet.

Comments

I’ve known artist Jessica Clements for a while, but it was a thrill this week to attend the symposium she organized and to see her MFA thesis exhibit of birth paintings on the campus of George Mason University, right in the middle of the Johnson Student Center. Talk about bringing art and activism to the people! Folks standing in line for lunch got a full view of her fabulous paintings of natural childbirth.

“Perinatal: A Symposium on Birth Practices and Reproductive Rights” was an amazing event. It was great to see moms and babies on the college campus in addition to the empowering feeling of being with so many people doing so much important work. See Crunchy-Chewy Mama regarding a woman being denied a VBAC.

I just attended three (partial) days of an amazing conference where doctors from around the world were presenting fascinating information, including explaining how they came to question practices they’d had for years — even decades — before something caused them to question what they were doing. There were a few camera crews, and I’m told an NPR affiliate was at NVIC’s Fourth International Public Conference on Vaccination on Friday, but apparently there was no one from the press in the room today.

Dr. Gary Null called the missing press out by name. How can people make informed decisions if they don’t even know this debate is going on? Null recounted another time he and his alternative health efforts were stood up by mainstream media after he’d conducted research that found ways of building the immune system that helped people afflicted with AIDS. Null said he held a press conference that featured 100 patients — what he refers to as AIDS survivors in this 1995 article) — whose symptoms had been cleared up by natural methods and not one member of the press attended. I was still in college then, and maybe he’s exaggerating (he was pretty worked up!), but it was pretty strikingly apparent today that this huge and important conference wasn’t going to get much, if any, coverage in the mainstream media. Null (and probably others) would say that’s because of the power of the pharmaceutical industry over the media.

I’m sure, though, we’ll read about it in Mothering and at The One Click Group, crucial components of the the new health journalism.

Last month PBS Kids hosted a lovely event for us DC Metro Mom bloggers. I ought to have posted something about it, but it was kind of culture shock for me, and I didn’t want to write and sound ungrateful. Before the event, I didn’t know anything about Super Why or any shows for preschoolers. I came away with a great respect for the creators and all the research they put into these shows. I’m certain that if the students I taught in high school had watched the shows that scaffold literacy skills, many of them would have had an easier time reading. I’m glad these shows exist for populations that are going to be in front of a TV anyway.

But I still don’t think I want my son staring at a lightbox of whirling pictures. Especially not shows with fast-paced images that, as an educator, I think are a recipe for generalized ADD. And yet, after the event, I started using some You Tube (mostly PBS) and the Steve Songs DVD we got in our swag bag to keep my son occupied so we could keep the house clean for showing/selling.

Now TV/computer just feels like that yucky place I didn’t want to get to — where he wants this thing that gives me some time to clean, cook, etc., but I still don’t think it’s at all good for him. He’s passive, and those glassy eyes just say heroin addict to me. He’s whiny about wanting to watch something and mad when he has to stop. He’s not sleeping as well (not necessarily related, but it’s possible).

And watching is not doing anything for his spirit, his soul, or his imagination. Those are the pieces not represented on the PBS whole child chart and those are what Waldorf education values. Another mom at the event openly made fun of Waldorf (she brought it up; I just listened). I don’t care what you call it, but I really think all this pushing kids to develop skills early — even if the learning is “fun” — is cheating them out of what ought to be magical time of their own making. TV may keep my son out of my way, but I think it keeps him out of his way, too. That is to say: disconnected from his body.

I don’t know that I’ll try to go fully TV-free. Most days are, but some days, a little saves me a lot of headache. I think I’d feel better, though, if I actually did some looking into programs I might feel good about for slow pace, real people/places/animals and/or maybe language exposure (Spanish or French) instead of whatever Curious George episode — or hip-hop parody! — pops up for him to click on. Yikes! A little word stuff or science stuff or get-along advice is fine, but I’m not going to seek it out. I’d rather he make up his own ideas about things and take his cues from us (but only on our good days!)

See also: The Unplugged Project

If you’re not on Twitter, you might possibly still not know about this phenomenon (I didn’t until yesterday).

Motrin released a snarky anti-babywearing ad in the hopes of garnering more pill-popping consumer support. What the company got was a big dose of mad mamas. Women started Twittering about the condescending ad in droves.

Here is a story about the flap in Ad Age Magazine that references Silicon Valley Moms Blog, the parent (?) mother group of the DC Metro Moms Blog I write for under Claire Jess.

There’s another story (and the video) at Marketing Pilgrim. Check it out!

My take?
1) Disheartening that a company would come up with this ad.
2) Inspiring that so many mamas would rally to shoot it down.

Crossposted at Crunchy-Chewy Mama