Confessions of a mostly natural parent

Welcome to the second edition of the “I’m a Natural Parent – BUT…” Carnival

This post was written for inclusion in the carnival hosted by The Artful Mama and our feminist {play}school. During this carnival our participants have focused on how mainstream society has affected their natural parenting and how they have come to peace with this.

***

Although I feel good about many of the choices I make, there are things I want my kids to do, practice, and believe that I’m simply not modeling for them.

Things I want my kids to have include:

An internal sense of rhythm, a sense of peace and openness in their hearts, an appreciation for beauty and magic, a deep connection to nature, healthy bodies, intrinsic motivation to make healthy & positive choices, and a “default setting” of joyful and happy with an ability to touch places of sadness and anger lightly, without settling there.

Things I do (usually but not always with the help of my husband) that help cultivate the above include:

Providing fairly consistent meal experiences (even if I don’t always join the kids in eating); usually healthy food, including some bone broth every day and never any visits to fast food joints or anything with artificial colors or dyes or HFCS; inhabiting a home that opens to the woods and a garden (in the old place, and next year in the new); getting myself help when I am not well; and keeping a cheery tone and an assumption of positive intent most of the time

But, the many things I do that run in direct opposition to the above include:

Forgetting to breathe; not exercising, or cultivating a yoga or meditation practice; going to bed too late;  letting my two-year-old daughter eat almost an entire bag of dried mango and half a bag of lentil chips because it kept her quiet and occupied (and there a lot more stories like that!); bribing my six-year-old son with half of a gluten-free Oreo if he is cooperative and doesn’t do x, y, and z; letting my son (and thus also his toddler sister) watch TV instead of finding a fun way to have him help me make dinner because I need to make phone calls or reply to emails in between stirring pots and want him out of the way; not getting out to hike hardly ever and never once to camp.

And that’s just the start of it!

Some of this is circumstantial: we’ve been renovating a house, we’ve been moving, we were on vacation, the sun is shining (for super long!). At some point, though, the “exceptional” happens enough that it becomes what kids think of as their regular reality. I have to admit it: our regular reality is not all that mindful or calm, or full of gentleness and joy.

Part of the puzzle is that I’ve been struggling with my health since my two-year-old was born. When I was in such belly pain 6 months into this gig mothering two kids that I had to go on a restrictive diet to eliminate all starches, all grains, all sugar and even, for the better part of a year, all raw vegetables (except freshly juiced) and all fruit.

That kind of put a damper on eating togetherness. I also realized that my adrenal stress was such that I literally could not digest if I had to multitask while eating. That meant no nursing while eating or trying to have a toddler eat but needing to hold her or change her diaper or get her brother’s paws off of her halfway through the meal. It’s ideal for anyone to eat calmly and sit for 20 minutes afterward, but for me, it’s a necessity for optimal health. So eating became something I did during naps or while the kids were at school or with a babysitter. Or for a while during the busiest time of the move (and after weaning reduced my caloric requirements), not at all.

Now how will kids learn that mealtime is a joyful time of sharing healthy food if mama is cleaning off her juicer in the kitchen while they eat at the table?

The sheer volume of work involved in the GAPS diet is perhaps staggering: making bone broth on a regular basis, cooking all your veggies in it, making almond “bread” from scratch if I want anything to chew on, soaking and drying nuts, peeling almonds before drying them, fermenting veggies and fruits, and the list goes on. Lots of moms do lots of these things, but I haven’t been able to manage doing them all and actually eating with my kids — and not paying for it later — until recently. I’ve been on this diet for 18 months.

Now, it’s true that I haven’t exactly dropped everything else in my life to do only food. Some might argue that I am doing too many things half-(bottom)ed around the house and too many things in general. There was volunteering for my son’s school to raise money to build a wetland learning lab last year (and the benefit concert I organized); editing my friend Monica Corrado’s real food techniques cookbook, With Love from Grandmother’s Kitchen; going to conferences, locally or with family in tow (Weston A. Price Foundation Wise Traditions, Fourfold Path to Healing, AWP, Wanderlust, Take Back Your Health, Gluten-Free Expo) and solo this summer to BlogHer.

These trips are not necessities, I know. But even though the travel and excursions might be tiring and keep me from hunkering down and doing other more nature-oriented things, learning from others in these environments inspires me and helps me feel hopeful and alive.

It could be argued that I’m teaching my kids the opposite of making your home your sanctuary.

And that would be ironic, because the biggest project of the last 9 months has been renovating our house. We bought the home next door that was in terrible shape because a) somebody was going to renovate it or tear it down, and we didn’t want to sit next door and watch a McMansion go up b) it has an awesome yard where we can build a wonderful garden and have room for a natural play area c) my husband is a wannabe architect and has been fantasizing for years about how he’d build an addition from scratch and d) this gave us the chance to look at how we were living in our little Cape Cod and create out of the identical footprint a home that would work for our family for years to come, and to be a place of beauty, too.

Except that right now, it’s a mess.

The title and tagline of the blog I started for the renovation project are: “Conjuring Home: Renovating green, smart and beautiful. Designing for real family life.” The title and tagline for this blog are “Crunchy-Chewy Mama: Living naturally, most of the time.”

Nobody is ever perfect, but I do sometimes get the sense that I’m teaching my kids to think of chaos and being in-process as the norm when I believe in my heart that order and calm are what would do them good.

So how do I compensate?

Well, now that I’m feeling better and the boxes to unpack are dwindling, I hope some will just naturally fall back in line. But I also think I need to make some lists, do some more prioritizing and thinking. Just writing the above has helped! My next task is to list all the things I wish I were doing and see what it would take to make those happen — whether they are just not who I am or if I can enjoy them after some kind of initial learning curve hump is cleared.

These are things like singing transitions, reciting some prayers of gratitude and safety/calming at meals and bedtime (and maybe using a candle), moving mindfully, getting through the day with happy tones (no more exasperation!), approaching sleep with gratitude and ease, regularly using essential oils and flower essences for balance (in non-crisis times), reading for pleasure, and eventually, doing some handwork for pleasure.

But I feel like I need some space to make these changes. This fall, I am putting my two-year-old daughter in an in-home Montessori school three days a week. I want her to experience consistency in her bones and to be somewhere she will see others modeling for her a peaceful, calm approach (well, the adults anyway. And maybe some of the kids, too!) It’s a lovely setting with a beautiful yard. She will eat with others, and only healthy food.

Essentially I am paying other people to show her a simple path where her mother seems to clutch at contradiction all the time (again, see the title of my blog!).

What I hope is that the clear-cut boundaries of time and space will give me what I need to pursue my writing (which keeps me sane) and my freelance career (to keep me from needing an office job) and my health needs. I hope my daughter likes the program and that we do, too, even though we trend more toward a Waldorf approach to education.

My son? He’s now 6.  He went to a Waldorf preschool but is returning for his first grade year at a “choice” (magnet) public school with an Expeditionary Learning focus. There is lots of connection to nature built into the curriculum, a strong sense of community, and, I’m happy to announce, a brand-new wetlands learning lab that is almost complete and is already home to happy frogs.

I am going to try to envision myself leaping for joy and then enjoying the sun from my lily pad.

—

How do you manage to be the kind person you want your children to grow into and still find time to sleep, eat and breathe?

Please share your genius (or admit your imperfections!)

***

This carnival was created by The Artful Mama and Natural Parents Network. We recognize that “natural parenting” means different things to different families, and we are dedicated to providing a safe place for all families, regardless of where they are in their parenting journeys.

Please take time to read the submissions by the other carnival participants:

• I’m a Natural Parent- BUT… – Carrie at Frugal Foodie Mama says “We breastfeed. We co-sleep. We babywear. But we do not cloth diaper. This post is about my reasons why I haven’t, and why I would still like to try it.”
• Am I Really a Natural Parent? – Valerie at Momma in Progress confesses maybe she’s a bit more mainstream than she thought.
• I’m a Crunchy Mama, BUT… – Shannon at GrowingSlower has learned that her food doesn’t grow on grocery store shelves, but she still has a long way to go.
• I’m a Natural Parent, but…my kid loves a screen – Lyndsay owns her son’s love for television programming, ipad and apps.
• Ashamed to Breastfeed – Kym at Our Crazy Corner of the World talks about how she was ashamed and intimidated to breastfeed in public.
• When they gotta go… – Jorje of Momma Jorje shares her EC weakness…
• Love For the Mainstream – Amy W. explains how letting a mainstream family into her life increased her self-awareness, and helps her to maintain balance while advocating for natural parenting.
• Weaning My Nursling – Alisha at Cinnamon&Sassafras reflects on her decision to wean her son, rather than waiting for him to decide.
• I’m a Natural Parent But…My Toddler is a Junk Food Junkie – Chanisa at City Girl Slash Hippie Mom talks about how she’s trying to get her two year old to have healthier eating habits
• I’m a Natural Parent – But…I’m Socially Awkward – Shannon of The Artful Mama talks about the difficulties she experiences maintaining her conviction when she experiences social resistance.
• Holding onto connection when traveling – Lauren at Hobo Mama wants to respect her children rather than demand obedience … but it’s so hard around family.
• What would the neighbours think?! – Teresa at This Savvy Mama talks about the pressures of balancing life skills with the realities of having two young children.
• French Fries and Diaper Blowouts – Arpita hosts a guest post detailing how, just every once in a while, the chaos of running a business can hamper even the most regimented natural parenting plans, and the sometimes messy (and stinky!) consequences!
• Confessions of a mostly natural parent – Jessica of Crunchy Chewy Mama feels good about many of the choices she makes but there are things she wants her kids to do, practice, and believes that she is not modeling for them.