Welcome to the April 2015 Carnival of Natural Parenting: Family History
This post was written for inclusion in the monthly Carnival of Natural Parenting hosted by Code Name: Mama and Hobo Mama. This month our participants have shared stories, lore, and wisdom about family history. Please read to the end to find a list of links to the other carnival participants.
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As my son gets older, I hear him sounding like a mini-me, making up songs with kooky words, singing out loud about adding 28 plus 6 while he figures perimeter on his math homework. It can be a delight to see your child reminding you of yourself. Other times it can be embarrassing. It can also be anxiety-producing.
What worries me most is when he takes things too deeply to heart, and I worry he will follow in his parents’ and grandparents’ footsteps of holding on to hurts. With such a strong history of depression, and having lost my brother to suicide, it’s hard not to feel some anxiety about my intense little guy’s emotional well-being.
In January 2009, I had a piece published in the Journal of Attachment Parenting International (before it became Attached Family magazine) in an issue about “healing childhood wounds.” I talked about my parenting choices and some of the holistic health choices that I pursued first with myself to heal from a thyroid disorder and regain my fertility and then with my son to try to undo some patterns of thinking I’d grown up with. It was really important to see my son growing up with a sense of optimism and not dread or depression. Sharing the piece with my mom was its own kind of healing.
Then, a few months after the 2010 birth of my daughter, my health declined. I’m still trying to figure out what all went awry so profoundly and how to address it, but at a minimum it’s safe to say that I was pretty severely adrenally fatigued and that my leaky gut had caused big problems. It’s taken a lot of time and energy these past four years.
Then my mother’s health declined, and after I read Wild by Cheryl Strayed, I decided I needed to spend time with my mom on my own, without my kids. So I flew out on Valentine’s Day 2014 and again in November. We had some great talks, and I learned a lot both times. One thing I’ve come to realize is that I am or have been turning into both my mom and my dad. From my dad I get the desire to write and to have my handle in multiple pots. And yet at the same time I felt a kinship with my mother around our bodies breaking down. Those are not exactly complementary simultaneous realities!
Just this past weekend, I was talking with another mom who said her tendency to stay home and not get involved in a lot of things comes from watching her own parents be so busy and be miserable (and not very involved in her kids’ lives even though they live close by).
I’ve been working since I became a mother to try to eliminate or lessen some of the health hurdles and emotional hurdles for my children, but I’ve become aware in the past few years that it’s just as important that I also teach them about moderation and balance. But first I have to learn that for myself!
Some of the things I did pre-conception and have done with my children from early on to mitigate the impact of trauma and to build a healthy immune system include:
- Craniosacral therapy and osteopathy
- Flower essences
- Essential oils
- Homeopathy
- A diet with no gluten, artificial colors or dyes, or high fructose corn syrup and little processed food
- Most of our time screen-free
- Muscle-testing and energy work
- Yoga (though still only occasionally with the kids)
Other things I’ve tried myself but either not integrated often or not used much with my kids
- Emotional Freedom Technique
- Meditation
- Breathing techniques
- Gratitude journals
- Have unscheduled days and don’t overschedule activities
I would like for us to spend more time
- strengthening our bodies
- connecting to the earth and beyond
- cultivating compassion and gratitude
- broadening our minds
Some ways to do that would be
- Hike
- Bike
- Camp
- Travel
- View and make art
- Get more independent in our garden (coming along!)
- Meditate
- Do yoga and breath work
- Give thanks
- Pray
- Do service work as a family
Some of those things are dependent on me having enough energy, which is dependent on a whole bunch of other factors. But all of these things would feed that energy, if not physical, than emotional.
The trouble for me is when my self-care seems to run into conflict with the experiences my kids want to have or that I want to have for them.
But the key might be to teach myself – and my children – not to view things as conflicting!
How do you balance what you need at this moment and what your kids need for a lifetime?
Photos of Lego art were taken by me at The Art of the Brick by Nathan Sawaya at the Franklin Institute in Philadelphia.
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Visit Code Name: Mama and Hobo Mama to find out how you can participate in the next Carnival of Natural Parenting!
Please take time to read the submissions by the other carnival participants:
- They Come Through You — Aspen at Aspen Mama shares what her late-discovery adoption means to her and her family.
- The Shape of Our Family: Musings on Genealogy — Donna at Eco-Mothering delves into her genealogy and family stories, observing how the threads of family reveal themselves in her daughter.
- Hand family stories down to the next generation — Lauren at Hobo Mama asked her father to help her son learn to read — never expecting that Papa’s string of richly storytelling emails would bring a treasure trove of family history into their lives.
- Saving Family Stories — Holly at Leaves of Lavender talks about why she thinks it’s important to preserve fun and interesting family stories for future generations.
- Serenading Grandma — When Dionna at Code Name: Mama started playing violin in the fifth grade, her grandma and mother were the biggest part of her musical cheering section. Her grandma urged her to keep playing and reminded her that someday she’d be thankful for her talent. As was so often the case, her grandma was right.
- Family legacy ambivalence — With a family history of depression and suicide, Jessica at Crunchy-Chewy Mama frets about her children’s emotional health.
- Seder and Holy Week: Family Traditions, Old and New — As an Episcopalian whose children’s ancestry is five-eighths Jewish, Becca at The Earthling’s Handbook values the annual Passover seder that connects her and the kids to family traditions.
Balance is so elusive, isn’t it? Coming from a background of an overachieving alcoholic father and a mother who gave much (too much?) of herself to her kids and the church, I have also found that I’ve grown into my parents. The last 7 years of parenthood have found me embracing parts of my history and running far, far away from others. Balance continues to be a work in progress in our household, but we do keep trying!
Admitting that some things need to change is the biggest and most important step! It’s great that you were able to spend some time talking at length with your mom. I have had some great conversations with both my parents that started with my asking, “What was it like when you were my age?”–which startled them because they thought of that as the kind of question that children ask as children; who cares about the experience of being 38? But it was very enlightening to hear about what worked and didn’t work for them in this stage of their lives, when they look back on it.
My mother had chronic, serious back and neck problems; I remember her being in a lot of pain but also getting a lot done. I have a migraine problem but also want/need to get a lot done. My ability to do stuff while suffering acutely can become a scary power trip that often seems to talk me out of preventive treatments, and I’m often more willing to snarl at people for not helping me than to ask for any help at all–and this reminds me of my mom, powering through her errands to get to the point when she didn’t have to drive so she could start drinking to relax the muscles that were pinching her bone spurs, but that was also time to make dinner, and she would make a home-cooked meal with all these chopped ingredients–so although the details are different, the combination of pain and accomplishment and schedule and anger is very similar. I feel a lot of empathy for my mom now, but I also kind of wish she’d set a better example for me, but then would I even be the same me?
I know exactly what you mean about self-care seeming to conflict with what you want to do with/for your kids. I wish you the best of luck in finding balance!
It is sometimes scary, sometimes pleasing to see pieces of ourselves in our child, or the pieces of us that came from our parents. I know I sometimes prefer to stay in blame for qualities I inherited but do not like, instead of seeing it as a bonding thread.
It sounds like a good idea to spend quality time alone with a parent, however, I’m not sure how keen I am on the reality of it. I fear too much expectation on my part and frustration when my parents do and say things that do not agree with me or my idea of what a really good parent/child relationship should be.
Thanks for sharing!
I read your post about your brother’s suicide — how hard. My 7-year-old has asked us a lot recently about suicide (somehow it’s come up within his range of understanding), and I’ve tried to answer thoughtfully yet briefly. In many ways, I’m glad he can’t yet wrap his mind around that level of hopelessness.
As to your current post, I wish you the best in finding those balances. I’ve spent (only) the past couple months struggling with unexplained fatigue, and it’s been so hard trying to self-care through rest and walks and nourishment and yet involve the children in ways that don’t just exhaust me further. As an acute example, I’m currently laid up with a back spasm from carrying my 28-pound 5-month-old up the stairs. :P It’s so hard to figure out how to fit in exercise when there are little ones to accompany you!
I think you are incredibly strong for recognizing that there are things in your life that needed to be changed! Balance is such a hard thing to achieve, and I feel like for every stage that my son goes through (he just turned 3), I need to readapt my own schedule and responses to give him what he needs without being completely overwhelmed myself. Recently, I decided to let him watch cartoons a bit more regularly because that is the only way I can actually get a decent workout in, and daily exercise does wonders for me as a person. Yes, I do feel a bit guilty at times, but he’s happy and I have more energy and less stress, so I think it works out in the end. As he gets older, I look forward to being able to introduce other things into this life. I do yoga on occasion, and I would love to share that with him. I want to take him camping (we already go hiking regularly, although he usually rides on my back at this point). I would love to take up meditation again, and teach him that skill as well.
Thanks for this post! You’ve given me a lot to think about.
Thank you for such a thoughtful response, Holly. I love hearing how other people make it work. I would say the more habits you feel good about that you can establish earlier, the better! I sort of thought that magically when I had a second child I would calm down and go back to a more grounded place like I was in those first months postpartum with my son, but that was a pipe dream! I was involved in his preschool (and then regular school) and other volunteer roles and communities. I couldn’t just sleep a lot and just be with her because there was him to think about and feed and plan for and drive here and there (they are 4+ years apart). Obviously I hadn’t found my quiet within before she came along. That doesn’t mean I still can’t, but I seem to think I’m no good at it! That doesn’t teach them a great lesson! Thanks again for writing!
Wow, Lauren, that is a lot of weight! Literally but also metaphorically. I totally know what you mean about being exhausted by so many things even if they ought to help you feel better. I think the solution is an incredibly supportive spouse who gets excited by cheering you on and lots of healthy, young family nearby! That or a full-time live-in nanny who can cook or watch kids at the drop of a hat and when not needed conveniently disappears. At least in my fantasy that’s what would make a difference for me! Back to reality, sometimes I find myself getting supremely out of the moment thinking “someday I will be able to leave them both at home alone for 20 minutes while I take a walk” and “someday they will actually want to pack their own lunches.” Not sure if the last one is true but the former will be within a few more years. When I got really sick with a respiratory infection and thought about how I wanted to be able to be a grandmother, that’s when I realized I could not do the baby dance a third time as much as I wanted to. I really hope you get what you need in a big sense and also with your back! Arnica, soaking in magnesium flakes and/or dead sea salts. For me, I just couldn’t hack it if they weren’t both in school.
Thanks, Donna. It was reading Wild about the author’s mother dying when she was just 22 after just 7 weeks of cancer treatment that made me realize I needed to meet my mom as an adult while I still could. I’m the youngest by several years and just will never have as much time with my mom as my siblings did. She is in poor health but is still on this earth, and it was important to me to just try to really see her and accept her and love her.
Becca, what a gift this share is! Thank you! I know – all parts of our journey have been necessary, even if they were messy. I’m glad I’ve come to a place of empathy for my mom. I can be disappointed and still be fully accepting. Or at least working on being fully accepting! :-)
And I, too, have trouble accepting help or asking for help. I have a problem with wanting people to anticipate my needs or just to do cool things for me like I see other people doing for other people. But I’ve never been great at accepting so why would they?
Wow, it is so cool to hear that we have such similar reactions to such different experiences! Thank you so much for sharing and indeed for putting this blogging community together! What a gift!
Jessica, you might find something helpful in this discussion:
Do you have trouble asking for what you need?