This post originally appeared on DC Metro Moms Blog on December 7, 2008. Original comments follow below.
She called her daughter rotten. I think the girl is 18 months old.
After several weeks of cringing in mommy & toddler Spanish class listening to Mean Mommy shout “No!” and “Don’t make me come get you” in the middle of our signing about animales on the farm, I snapped this last time. Well, sort of. I consider what Mean Mommy does on average of five times every 45 minutes to be “snapping.” When she yelled at her daughter (who was looking at a leaf on a table) and labeled her a bad seed, what I did was take the passive aggressive approach of covering my son’s ears, turning away from the mom and muttering something about not wanting him to hear that language.
Seriously, I don’t. First of all, it’s really, really loud.
Even if she weren’t being critical of her daughter, her brash English would still break the immersion spell I’ve gotten used to in language classes and the always-singing Music Together class. Loud English sounds ugly when it’s out of place.
But more than being bugged about the sound of the ugly American, I am seriously disturbed by how mean this lady sounds. That woman kills my happy-to-play-and-maybe-learn buzz. I am no perfect Pollyanna, but I sure try to keep a happy game face most of the time. I don’t want my kid learning how to be a grump, so I try not to model it. It’s fine to show a range of emotions, and of course all kids need to learn to deal with a variety of personalities and situations, but what’s the use getting mad in public over a kid being a kid? And messing with everyone else’s experience, too. Maybe this has just been a bad seven Fridays in a row for the woman.
The teacher moves around the rants, commenting that the grabby-but-exuberant “Paduca” is “just fine” and “so interested!” before heaping some kind of praise or descriptive language on the girl in Spanish. Mean Mommy counters that Paduca is a “crazy baby.” True, the girl is never still or seated. But the mom always is. Rather than get off her duff to redirect or distract or simply play with her kid, she sits, shooting scowling finger-shakes and class-disrupting shouts across the room. Something has to be really wrong for this mom to budge. And watch out, little girl, if it is!
Now, when this mom is not cooing “Dukie, Dukie, Dukie, come heeere!” or snapping “No, Duck! No, no, NO!” she can actually be quite affectionate. She turns the girl upside down, showering her with kisses and tickles and smiles. I have no doubt that she loves her daughter. I just think this inconsistency makes the label of “crazy” a little more apt for mama than for daughter. So far.
It can’t be much fun for Mean Mommy to be stuck in disapproval mode so much. It’s certainly not a lot of fun to be around. In seven weeks of class, I haven’t found the perfect way to defuse this negative energy without seeming holier-than-thou. I just try to smile a lot and sometimes whisper things like “Oh, that’s just what they do! Ha! Ha! Ha.” Often I just look away and try to distract my son from the scene, but once, when the barking literally made me shiver, another mom and I shared big eyes and raised eyebrows across the room.
I want to hand Mean Mommy a copy of Playful Parenting for strategies on having fun instead of getting mad or Easy to Love, Difficult to Discipline for advice on dealing with your own issues as an avenue toward effective parenting. Maybe there’s something there about needing attention that has her turning the whole class to focus on her and her child… Using that logic, my over-interest is probably just a symptom of one of my own issues I should deal with.
Because of a timing conflict, we’ll miss the last regular class with Mean Mommy and Paduca. Next session, my son will be in a different level, so I don’t expect to see this mama-baby pair again for a while. Watch me duck away from confronting this mom – and from confronting my own discomfort.
An original D.C. Metro Moms Blog post.
Jessica C. exposes her own parenting challenges at Mama’s Mouth and Crunchy-Chewy Mama and her attempts to move from frenzy to zen at Inexact Science: Raising Healthy Families.
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Posted by Jessica C. on December 07, 2008 at 05:00 AM in Claire Jess | Permalink
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Comments
I’m sorry I ruined your experience. Goosie had a great time in the class.
I know the mother you’re referring to and one of the many, many things I can say to her credit (I’m sure my character count in this comment is limited) is that she is a very honest and open person and doesn’t “put on a game face” for anyone’s benefit. Maybe she would have if she knew she was being (erroneously) judged with the intent of public defamation. What a shame her parenting skills didn’t measure up to your once-a-week note-taking sessions, but contrary to the impression you give in your blog, her child is well behaved and responsive when she calls — she really doesn’t need to constantly chase her around like so many parents I see out in public today. She went to great lengths to have that little girl, she has an amazing rapport with her daughter, and your thinly disguised “names have been changed to protect…” attack on “Mean Mommy” is insulting, off base, and out of line.
“Watch [you] duck away from confronting this mom…” ?? You consider posting a hurtful and embarrassing blog entry like this “ducking away” from confrontation? At least you recognize your tendencies towards passive aggression.
It’s really unfortunate that the subject of this blog post had to read it, and I can totally imagine how hurt her feelings must have been by it. I’m sure it’s true that she is a loving and doting mother. But I also think that the blogger was not intending to hurt anyone’s feelings but simply to share her concerns about how another mom’s actions were affecting the class and her son, in particular. One of the things I find most challenging about being a mother is constantly sizing up my own parenting skills (or lack thereof) against other mothers. Sometimes I come out ahead, but often I feel like I’m trailing behind. I appreciate that this whole blog is like turning a mirror both on others and ourselves.
Jessica, I think as a writer you have the right(and some would say the duty) to honestly express your ideas and judgments, even when they are potentially hurtful. As for this specific experience, I can relate–it’s tough when the sweet world we create for our children clashes with the world around us. I’m sure Goosie is happy and her mom is a good mom, just different from you, but I can also see how their behavior might have been disruptive in a group setting.
Agreed–it is a shame the mom in question had to read this. On the other hand, what a shame it would be if artists and writers had to censor themselves and refrain from providing their honest commentary about the world around them. In the age of the blog, this type of virtual encounter is likely to happen, and when it does, sure, everyone squirms. While I’m sure it was hurtful for the mom in question to read this portrayal of herself, you can hardly blame the blogger for doing what bloggers (and writers and artists in general do), which is share their take on what they experience. Granted, the blogger is commenting on merely a slice of Mean Mommy’s life and parenting style, but realistically, that’s all she had access to, and I think she had a right to have an opinion on the slice she saw.
It is a shame that M.M. ended up reading this post and feeling it only as personal criticism. (I’m sure it wasn’t intended to be read by M.M.; surely it would have been easier to say something in person than to have it etched in virtual stone for web-eons.) I hear, in this post, that Jessica is struggling with parenting choices that she actively makes each day — and how to handle it when these choices are subverted for her by another in close range. I know I face these kinds of inner dialogues each day, along with the corresponding questions of whether I’m being too hard on someone, and what people might think of me in my moments of weakness. This story summarizes that experience well, and dare I say, compassionately to both mum and daughter.
Uggghhh… I hate this kind of situation. I never know what to do. I think you’ve done the best you can… lighthearted comments, etc… but unfortunately, unless there’s physical violence involved (and thankfully there wasn’t), there’s probably not much you can do. Poor Duck.