On the bunny slope of tradition-making – Carnival of Natural Parenting

At age 37, I still haven’t learned to ski, and almost five years and two children into parenthood, I can’t quite believe in myself as a real mom of a real family with real traditions of its own. Although a few years of experience in Waldorf education tells me that children thrive on daily rhythms as well as meaningful rituals of celebration, truthfully, I suck at both.

Apple candle from Advent Garden, an inspiring tradition in Waldorf schools

But I’m working on it. If I’ve learned anything from studying positive discipline, it’s that the first step to thinking forward about parenting is usually looking backward at your own history. So I’ve been thinking a lot lately about my childhood — about the traditions of my family and my role in them.

It was an awkward position to be youngest child of five, almost nine years after the fourth. When I was young, I was the only one still really getting a kick out of kid things. And from a fairly early age, I was a little too conscious of the fact that everyone else was ready to move on. I struggled between wanting everyone to be excited the way I was and just wanting myself to grow up already so I could be like them.

The traditions we had — of storytelling on Christmas Eve, of finding the bounty of red pistachios left by the “Valentine Pig,” of hunting for Easter eggs from clever clues — they were all around well before my time and seemed to have a fast-approaching expiration date. By the time we moved to a new town when I was ten, my siblings were all in college. It was like starting over.

Couple that with the fact that on the verge of an already-going-to-be-rocky adolescence, my brother died a week before my fourteenth birthday. Cynicism and sadness crowded out joy and expectation when it came to celebrations. I grew up before my time.

I got a bit of my groove back as in my 20s, but, as I developed into a more holistic-minded person, I lost the lust for many of the trappings of traditions. They seemed tacky at best, toxic at worst. Once you give up the candy, the glitzy plastic, and the TV, things can look at little, well, dull.

I’m all for eschewing consumerism and going green, but being a full-on Debbie Downer is not exactly inspired parenting. My children deserve a model of joyfulness. My wider family has rekindled a secret Santa tradition with all the cousins and spouses included; we write poems to reveal who has given to whom. But in my house, I’ve been living in a fog, not knowing how to build something from scratch with my new family of four.

Where I am right now, with a son nearing five and a baby daughter barely rolling over, is trying to release my humbug and embrace a joyful spirit. To start, I am trying to identify some core values so that I can create traditions I feel good about … and actually sustain them. Without that crucial first step, stuff just doesn’t happen in my world. It lingers in a pile in the corner. In order to really get invested and model excitement for my children, I need to figure out what I want to hang my hat on.

A great source of support has been my chapter of Holistic Moms Network, where last year two life coaches talked about aligning values and priorities, and where last month, our “holistic holidays” speaker helped us get beyond mundane (though important) questions of how to deal with your in-laws giving toys or foods you don’t let your kids eat, and to think instead — at a more fundamental level — about what kind of experiences we wanted to create for our families.

Our new "Harvest Wreath" that will come out again next fall

After taking my baby out to the “holistic holidays” discussion, I decided she wasn’t up for accompanying me to Craft Night the next evening — or for staying home without me. I struggled a bit with the desire to honor her needs while also trying to become a crafty domestic goddess. I identified “beauty” as a value I wanted to uphold in my home in general and with respect to the holidays in particular, and I wanted it to start now, darn it. But just the suggestion of the wreath-making activity and then the jovial reports of those who attended were inspiration enough to get me started.

With those models in mind, I took my son to the craft store just before Thanksgiving so we could make a “harvest wreath” that we will put up every fall. We got started on a Christmas wreath, and I stowed away some blue and white ribbon for a winter wreath and pastels for a spring wreath.

Our new Christmas wreath that will get new greens each year

It should be noted that I am not one of those people who ever has anything on her door, much less seasonal banners flying in the breeze off my front porch. A friend got me a subscription to Family Fun magazine, and I usually look at it with astonishment that it and I exist on the same planet. To walk up the steps and be greeted by something pretty hanging on my front door is just short of revolutionary around here. So I’m pretty excited at our initial efforts.

My son and I also wove a ribbon placemat on which to put our signature GFCF pumpkin pie and made sure to start that Thanksgiving and every dinner since then by lighting the candle he made at his school’s fall festival. He was so excited by our mini-decorating spree and by the resurrection of the candle that I went a little crazy adding to the school’s group order of beeswax candles from Hinode Farm. I decided I’d rather spend money up front on a quality product from a vendor I feel good about than rush to come up with something at the last minute, either running out for cheap tchotchkes, drawing a crappy picture with whatever random marker happens to be available, or just doing nothing. After a lifetime of flying by the seat of my pants in a society that values disposability, I’m working on approaching parenting with intentionality and on treating things with a sense of reverence.

Decorating our first family tree

So now, we will have special candles to light just for holiday nights — among them a turkey, a bunny, and a pine tree — and a leaf, a star, a tulip and a daisy for solstice and equinox celebrations. Also, I pushed for going out to get a Christmas tree from a farm this year — just like I used to do as a child — and I was amazed how happy it made me to have it to decorate.

That’s the mom I want my children to see. The one who both sings Christmas carols at full tilt (while sprinkling colored raffia on a pesticide-free tree) and who also tears up at the silent beauty of our school’s Advent Garden.

Never mind that I don’t yet have any more specifics on holiday celebrations or seasonal festivals. There is plenty of time, and plenty of reading material for ideas. We’re celebrating baby steps around here, and today, I’m just glad to have started to believe in myself as a happy mom who can create something beautiful for her children.

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Visit Code Name: Mama and Hobo Mama to find out how you can participate in the next Carnival of Natural Parenting!

Please take time to read the submissions by the other carnival participants:

• Traditions? What traditions? — Olivia at Write About Birth needs your advice: how can she make the most of the holiday season in a new country with only her immediate family? (@writeaboutbirth)
• TRADITION!!!!!! — Ella at My Intentional Journey reminds us all to be thankful for family traditions; there are those who have none.
• tradition! — Stefanie at Very, Very Fine came to realize that families can make incredible memories, even if they’re not wealthy (or organized).
• Taking a child’s perspective on traditions — Lauren at Hobo Mama wants to keep in mind how important even the mundane traditions will be to her little ones. (@Hobo_Mama)
• Sunday Dinners and Lullabies — Kat at Loving {Almost} Every Moment finds traditions in the small things throughout the year.
• Simple Family Advent Traditions — Michelle at The Parent Vortex crafted a set of advent bags with daily surprises to eat and to do. (@TheParentVortex)
• Parenting: Family Meetings – A Timeless Tradition — Amy Phoenix at Innate Wholeness discusses a year-round tradition in her household: Family Meetings. (@InnateWholeness)
• Our Mindful Holidays — They may not be “traditional” traditions, but they fit the family of Kellie at Our Mindful Life.
• Our Holiday Traditions, New and Old — Even with three young children, Kristin at Intrepid Murmurings is finding ways to be intentional and meaningful about holiday traditions. (@sunfrog)
• Our Cupcake Custom — Amy at Anktangle knows celebrations need minimal excuse and lots of cupcakes! (@anktangle)
• On the bunny slope of tradition-making — Jessica Claire at Crunchy-Chewy Mama is finding her groove as a holistic-minded mama with a joyful holiday spirit. (@crunchychewy)
• No, Virginia, There Is Not a Santa Claus — Just because her family is not going to do Santa, does not mean that Sheila at A Gift Universe can’t instill some mystery and magic into Christmas. (@agiftuniverse)
• New Traditions — Becky at Future Legacy shares a few traditions she is starting for her family, including popovers, a birthday banner, and service.
• My Holiday Family Traditions — The Artsymama continues a long tradition of adopting family members and sharing two favorite games that work well for a crowd.
• Mindfully Creating Family Traditions — Alison at BluebirdMama has ideas for celebrating birthdays, Valentine’s Day, and Christmas — though her family’s still figuring some of it out. (@bluebirdmama)
• Memorable Traditions — Lori Ann at MamaWit follows four mindful steps when instituting any tradition.
• Let’s Talk Traditions — Lily, aka Witch Mom shares her family’s traditions that are centered on the wheel of the year. (@lilyshahar)
• Homeschool Christmas — Deb Chitwood at Living Montessori Now did not always celebrate the Christmas season in the same way with her family, but they always celebrated together. (@DebChitwood)
• Holidays, food and family — For Kristen at Adventures in Mommyhood, the holidays are about family and food. (@crunchymamato2)
• Giving Christmas to the Critter — Rachael at The Variegated Life has found a way to tie her Zen practices to the Christmas story of the baby in the manger. (@RachaelNevins)
• Family Traditions + To Santa Or Not To Santa — Stop by Natural Parents Network to discover some of the traditions from other natural parents. NPN is also featuring snippets of posts from NP bloggers on the topic of whether to encourage children to believe in Santa Claus. (@NatParNet)
• Family Tradition Origins — Momma Jorje discusses her family’s traditions, and her desire not to make anyone feel obligated to conform to them.
• Everyday Traditions — For Mandy at Living Peacefully with Children it’s the small, daily traditions that make life special.
• Establishing Traditions and Older Child Adoption — MrsH at Fleeting Moments is trying to find ways to start traditions with a family that was made very quickly through birth and adoption.
• Emerging Family Traditions — Melodie at Breastfeeding Moms Unite! shares some of her favorite birthday and Christmas traditions. (@bfmom)
• Does Rebellion Count? — Seonaid at the Practical Dilettante has instituted a day of rest and PJs at her house on Christmas. (@seonaid_lee)
• December Carnival of Natural Parenting: Family Traditions — Sybil at Musings of a Milk Maker tries to give her girls a mix of traditions to foster togetherness — but worries that not being near extended family is a disconnect.
• Craft-tea Christmas Celebrations — Lucy at Dreaming Aloud created a delicious Christmas tradition that she named “Craft-tea.”
• A Christmas Tradition — Luschka at Diary of a First Child knows that even though she won’t be able to have her usual holiday traditions this year, the important thing is that she has her family. (@lvano)
• Celebrations without the Holiday — Asha at Meta Mom shares several ways to celebrate the winter holidays without focusing on religious traditions. (@metamomma)
• Celebrating the Journey We Have Traveled Together — Acacia at Be Present enjoys the chance to draw closer to her family during the Christmas holiday.
• Celebrating Motherhood — Do you celebrate the day you became a mother? Dionna at Code Name: Mama offers some ideas for traditions to mark your passage into motherhood. (@CodeNameMama)
• Celebrate! Winter Traditions Brought Home. — At True Confessions of a Real Mommy, TrueRealMommy and her family are celebrating many different religions and traditions this month. Stop by to see their schedule of events. (@TrueRealMommy)
• “Always Ready”, Holiday Style — Amy at Toddler In Tow discovered that it’s not the traditions themselves, but the emotional experience behind them that makes them special.