Welcome to the March 2013 Carnival of Natural Parenting: Tough Conversations

This post was written for inclusion in the monthly Carnival of Natural Parenting hosted by Hobo Mama and Code Name: Mama. This month our participants have spoken up about how they discuss complex topics with their children. Please read to the end to find a list of links to the other carnival participants.

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Having my child in a Waldorf preschool helped me learn to hold my tongue and listen to what sense my son made of things. As much as I wanted to explain and answer, I came to understand the value in hearing out his thinking. Sometimes I assumed things meant more or something completely different to him than I expected. If I didn’t first pause with a “Hmm… I wonder” or a direct, “What do you think” and then really listen to his response, whatever I would say might be totally inappropriate.

When my son first referenced someone as a color, I freaked out before I realized he identified them by the color of their shirt, as in “the purple guy.” This made it clear to me that any kind of nuanced conversations about “race” were far in our future. He’s only in first grade now, and I find myself questioning the wisdom of the messages he is getting at public school about things like Martin Luther King and segregation when there he is in a class — here in the diverse D.C. suburbs — with kids whose parents are from at least half a dozen countries.

It’s kind of like not thinking something is just for girls or “sissies” until someone gives you that idea or teaches you that word, even if they are trying to criticize stereotypes. My degree in women’s studies and my background in critical pedagogy (that talked about making the debates and questions transparent) are sometimes at odds with what now seems developmentally appropriate as the parent of a six-year-old and a two-year-old.

The more I listen, the more I learn. And yet, I’m a talker. And I do care that my son knows my opinion about some things. So when he asks me if I think there should be slavery (!), I  have a hard time not screaming and going off on a lecture. But would that do him any good or make him any more clear on the concept of discrimination and racism? I think not. And so I muddle, starting in and then backtracking to hear his side before I make assumptions.

Now, when it comes to things like tragedy and death, I am most guided by the fact that my boy is incredibly sensitive. I’ve had at least three practitioners tell me through energy work that he feels more than his fair share; he has fuzzy boundaries between his own “stuff” and other people’s. We’re working on some woo-woo ways to break that enmeshed connection, but it is clear to me that what another kid might shrug off, mine holds firmly in his heart and his head.

So we have not once talked about Sandy Hook, for example. In my opinion, there would be no benefit to my son or to anyone else for him to know about something of that proportion that is not affecting his daily life. I don’t think he could sleep at night if he really knew.

But something bad could happen in our neighborhood that we could not ignore.

So I try to be matter-of-fact when things do come up: when he sees photos in the newspaper or hears about something on the news. “That is sad,” I agree, offering that we should keep those people in our thoughts and hope they feel better, or get what they need. I hope to get better about more family volunteer work and giving back.

I’ve tried to normalize death so that his first experience with it isn’t a direct one with a family member or friend. I have commented on other children’s grandparents dying and my grandparents dying. The other day we were discussing ages and when someone had died. He asked about his grandfather’s age and put it together that he might die soon. My husband (the son of this 80-year-old man) commented that his dad had been through a whole lot and was still going strong. I agreed but countered that yes, someday he would die. The tone I’m going for is some combination of matter-of-fact and compassionate.

My son’s sensitivity requires me, I think, to shield him from what I can but to prepare him for what I can’t. The first time he loses someone close to him, I know it will hurt, but I don’t want it to be a complete shock because we’ve never talked about death. So I bring it up whenever I see an opportunity that I think won’t burden him too much with someone else’s sadness.

And when that first close loss does happen, I will encourage him to cry and feel his feelings. But I will be at the ready with Rescue Remedy, and lavender oil, and aconite, and Emotional Freedom Technique, and maybe some craniosacral therapy or Reiki to ensure that whatever negative energy comes up can move through him and not burrow deeper into his body to keep hurting him.

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Visit Hobo Mama and Code Name: Mama to find out how you can participate in the next Carnival of Natural Parenting!

Please take time to read the submissions by the other carnival participants:

(This list will be updated by afternoon March 12 with all the carnival links.)

• A Difficult Conversation — Kellie at Our Mindful Life is keeping her mouth shut about a difficult topic.
• Discussing Sexuality and Objectification With Your Child — At Authentic Parenting, Laura is puzzled at how to discuss sexuality and objectification with her 4-year-old.
• Tough Conversations — Kadiera at Our Little Acorn knows there are difficult topics to work through with her children in the future, but right now, every conversation is a challenge with a nonverbal child.
• Real Talk — Jennifer at Hybrid Rasta Mama explains why there are no conversation topics that are off limits with her daughter, and how she ensures that tough conversations are approached in a developmentally appropriate manner.
• From blow jobs to boob jobs and lots of sex inbetween — Mrs Green talks candidly about boob jobs and blow jobs…
• When Together Doesn’t Work — Ashley at Domestic Chaos discusses the various conversations her family has had in the early stages of separation.
• Talking To Children About Death — Luschka at Diary of a First Child is currently dealing with the terminal illness of her mother. In this post she shares how she’s explained it to her toddler, and some of the things she’s learned along the way.
• Teaching 9-1-1 To Kids — Kerry at City Kids Homeschooling talks about the importance of using practical, age-appropriate emergency scenarios as a springboard for 9-1-1 conversations.
• Preschool Peer Pressure — Lactating Girl struggles to explain to her preschooler why friends sometimes aren’t so friendly.
• Frank Talk — Rosemary at Rosmarinus Officinalis unpacks a few conversations about sexuality that she’s had with her 2-year-old daughter, and her motivation for having so many frank discussions.
• When simple becomes tough — A natural mum manages oppositional defiance in a toddler at Ursula Ciller’s Blog.
• How Babies are Born: a conversation with my daughter — Justine at The Lone Home Ranger tries to expand her daughter’s horizons while treading lightly through the waters of pre-K social order.
• Difficult Questions & Lies: 4 Reasons to Tell The Truth — Ariadne of Positive Parenting Connection shares the potential impact that telling lies instead of taking the time to answer difficult questions can have on the parent-child relationship.
• Parenting Challenges–when someone dies — Survivor at Surviving Mexico writes about talking to her child about death and the cultural challenges involved in living in a predominantly Catholic nation.
• Daddy Died — Breaking the news to your children that their father passed away is tough. Erica at ChildOrganics shares her story.
• Openness — sustainablemum prepares herself for the day when she has to tell her children that a close relative has died.
• Embracing Individuality — At Living Peacefully with Children, Mandy addressed a difficult question in public with directness and honesty.
• Making the scary or different okay — Although she tries to listen more than she talks about tough topics, Jessica Claire of Crunchy-Chewy Mama also values discussing them with her children to soften the blow they might cause when they hit closer to home.
• Talking to My Child About Going Gluten Free — When Dionna at Code Name: Mama concluded that her family would benefit from eliminating gluten from their diet, she came up with a plan to persuade her gluten-loving son to find peace with the change. This is how they turned the transition to a gluten-free lifestyle into an adventure rather than a hardship.
• How Does Your Family Explain Differences and Approach Diversity? — How do you and your family approach diversity? Gretchen of That Mama Gretchen shares her thoughts at Natural Parents Network and would like to hear from readers.
• Discussing Difficult Topics with Kids: What’s Worked for Me — Deb Chitwood at Living Montessori Now shares parenting practices that enabled discussions of difficult topics with her (now-adult) children to be positive experiences.
• Tough Conversations — Get some pointers from Jorje of Momma Jorje on important factors to keep in mind when broaching tough topics with kids.
• Sneaky people — Lauren at Hobo Mama has cautioned her son against trusting people who’d want to hurt him — and hopes the lessons have sunk in.
• Mommy, What Does the Bible Say? — Amy at Me, Mothering, and Making it All Work works through how to answer a question from her 4-year-old that doesn’t have a simple answer.
• When All You Want for Them is Love: Adoption, Abandonment, and Honoring the Truth — Melissa at White Noise talks about balancing truth and love when telling her son his adoption story.

I did not go to my child’s school to read in my pajamas today. Does this make me a bad parent? I’m going to vote no.

I did have his dad pick him up some new non-flame-retardant-sprayed pj’s at Hanna Andersson yesterday (for the “it’s organic and in the mall” price far above Costco rates) so that he’d have something decent to wear to his school’s Reading is Fundamental Pajama Day in honor of Dr. Seuss’ birthday.

Earlier this week, I did provide his class with organic, fair-trade hot cocoa for their “how-to” project. I also sent in almond milk and gluten-free granola on Monday for the first part of the how-to project (how to make cereal, if you can believe that) and then let my son stay home on Tuesday when he woke up stuffy and feeling tired. Maybe it was the homeopathic remedy he’d just started the day before or a reaction to virus-die-off from the first of twice-daily massaging of On Guard essential oil blend on his feet per (naturopathic) doctor’s orders.

Last Wednesday, I went on a field trip and brought him a gluten-free snack (and hat and mittens, which he’d left at school) and then emailed the nature center with some suggestions for non-artificially dyed gummy worms (like YummyEarth and Surf Sweets) along with some links about why I care about food additives, gently explained, of course.

I took him to the chiropractor last week and to the acupuncturist this week in the hopes of strengthening his system so that a month from now he won’t suffer the nearly-closed-eyed allergies he has for the past two years, forcing him to stay inside for more than three weeks during the onslaught of tree pollen and spring pesticide spraying.

So I’d say that missing a nutty day of reading at school is probably okay, except, of course, if they gave out more treats he couldn’t have. I am not a derelict mom. I just can only do so much. Pajamas and reading at home I can do.

But I did miss bedtime last night for the fourth time this week. I’d tutored twice and gone to a Holistic Moms motherblessing another night. Still, I decided it was important to get out to see author and Gargoyle literary magazine editor Richard Peabody and poet and first-time novelist Rose Solari read at One More Page Books, a great little shop in Falls Church that I’d never managed to make it to.

I had, however, seen both authors read before, but it felt different now that I am considering myself a novelist. For years, I’ve filed away information at writing conferences and in classes, but I feel like it’s finally nearing the time to actually use all those insights.

And to use all the observations I’ve made over the years that are now speaking to me about how they want to morph into fiction. It is still a surprise and a delight to feel blessed with the necessary task of writing. I’m so glad I made it to the reading to hear about both of their processes and experiences as writers.

After chatting briefly with writing teacher Hildie Block, who has been a great resource since I first took a class with her now six years ago, I scooted out in search of new yoga pants so that I can look decent a yoga class I’m having for myself and a small group of friends this weekend in honor of my 40th birthday on Monday. But before I headed into the stark florescence that is Marshalls, I was called to compose a poem, hours before the closing of a contest at Split this Rock Poetry Festival. All I had was lime green highlighter on the back of an old flyer under the orange parking lot light, but it was enough. I typed it up and sent it out at 10:22.

It was a long week, but at the end of Thursday, I felt good about it. And maybe my toddler insisting on taking a book into her daycare on Friday also helped me feel okay about staying home from my son’s Reading is Fundamental pajama day.

That crazy sound you hear is my head spinning so fast I think my eyeballs will melt from the inside out.

In other words, today blew my mind.

I left the house at 9 a.m. for a workshop with healer Dr. Claudia Welch on breath, Ayurveda, and hormones.

I left that gig an hour early to attend a 4:30 talk by progressive educator Alfie Kohn on parenting and teaching children in an achievement-crazed world.

Little did I know these two fascinating speakers would essentially say the same thing.

Do what you love.

Don’t do what you don’t love, even if other people say you should, or even if you have come to think you should.

If your goal is to feel healthy and at peace, let go of whatever is not part of the life you want. Change your context and change your health and your life.

If your goal is to raise a child into a happy, confident, curious, independent child, think about that with everything you do. Don’t use strategies that will take the joy out of his very being. Don’t say things that make it sound like you care more about her success than her happiness.

To combine the two, I would add: model for your children the very qualities you hope they will possess. If we hope for our children to be resilient and compassionate and to feel fulfilled in adulthood, perhaps they should see that from us. Now.

In the coming week, I will write in more detail about each talk (Welch’s continues tomorrow), but suffice it to say that I came home smiling and inspired to be at peace, lest my children grow up not knowing what that looks like.

And so that I can regain my health and be present for them all along their journey.

Beautiful mosaic at Beloved Yoga in Reston, Virginia

It’s now been over three months since I started reading Katrina Kenison’s The Gift of an Ordinary Day. I’d picked it up even before that, but three months ago I devoured as much as I could while away from my kids at a conference. Since I’ve been back, time has been scarce amid getting unpacked, finding solutions for our new home, work, and tending to my health. But that’s okay; I get the feeling that I’m meant to stretch out the reading — that completing the book too fast would make me miss the point. Or points.

Today I read some on the plane while my toddler daughter sat next to me snacking and my six-year-old son sat reading across the aisle. The topic at hand was taking the “long view,” seeing each moment as its own and yet also knowing it is fleeting and that a life is made up of so many of them.

I am the youngest child of my family with two sisters (and in-laws) who have older children. It is humbling to watch these once-little people grow from nothingness, just a hoped-for possibility, to full-on adults who tower over me.

Being a younger sibling not only shapes your growth as an individual, but also as an parent. If I hadn’t watched all these children grow and mature, starting out in this world as they did on the cusp of my own adulthood, I might feel more mired in the messiness of the moment in my work as a mother. But right before my eyes are the reminders that nothing lasts for all that long.

It’s a curious thing, the balance of appreciating each moment and also putting it in a context to consider how it will lead to your eventual goal for your child to be a healthy, happy human.

Mothering, now and later
It is a unique skill
to live in a way
that honors the moment
and allows children
to turn and ripen
without a schedule
while holding a vision
for the future
that guides today’s choices,
and dampens disappointments,
and reassures
that reverence will find a place
among moments filled
with crumbs and tears

How do you frame your visions for your children’s futures, and their now?

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After casting aside my poetry hat for far too long, my NaBloPoMo plan is to write a poem — and to take and post a photo — every day in November, spending less than half an hour on both. The hope is to drill down, to focus, to look for and create beauty.

Previous Posts:

Day 1: Eleven One

Day 2: Shoreline

Day 3: Damage

Day 4: On Parenting and Sunrises

Day 5: When will we?

Day 6: Voting Line

Day 7: What I want my children to learn from me

Day 8: Haiku

Day 9: Reminders

Day 10: Routine

Day 11: Lux Esto, in moderation

Day 12: Family Photo Shoot at (nearly) 4o

Day 13: Siblings

Day 14: Point of View

Day 15: Background

Day 15: Greener Grass

Day 16: Journey

Day 17: From two to twelve

Day 18: Baggage

So tonight it’s Monopoly I’m missing to write, but I’ll be brief with this, inspired by our visit to the Indianpolis Children’s Museum, and as I noticed as I wrote, the cadence of some children’s book I haven’t read in a long time. Maybe Freight Train?

From two to twelve

Orange ball

Rock wall

Kids squeal

Touch, feel

Move crane

Stay sane

On toes

Who knows

Youth past

Goes fast

Years blur

Dreams stir

Strength falls

Lunch calls

————

After casting aside my poetry hat for far too long, my NaBloPoMo plan is to write a poem — and to take and post a photo — every day in November, spending less than half an hour on both. The hope is to drill down, to focus, to look for and create beauty.

Previous Posts:

Day 1: Eleven One

Day 2: Shoreline

Day 3: Damage

Day 4: On Parenting and Sunrises

Day 5: When will we?

Day 6: Voting Line

Day 7: What I want my children to learn from me

Day 8: Haiku

Day 9: Reminders

Day 10: Routine

Day 11: Lux Esto, in moderation

Day 12: Family Photo Shoot at (nearly) 4o

Day 13: Siblings

Day 14: Point of View

Day 15: Background

Day 15: Greener Grass

Day 16: Journey

Today skipped by with no chance for any fun photo shoots out in the fall air. But that’s just as well, because this commitment to photograph and write daily in November prompted me to snap some shots of my son and husband playing music together.

Sometimes I wish they would both help me get dinner on the table instead of playing the piano. But I also know that there is profound joy for both of them in music — all of us, really, as my daughter likes to join, too, and it’s sometimes the only time all day I’ve just sung and stopped thinking.

There is more appreciation to go around, that’s for sure. I’ll try to keep that in mind daily, weekly, monthly, yearly. No matter how fast they all speed by.

When will we?

So many of my son’s questions
start like this.
At six, a month is an eternity.
And still, he forgets nothing,
and pines along,
his head filled with wishes
and wonder.

Nearly twenty years
and half a life ago,
when I walked neighborhood streets
among winter houses,
cold air sticking to my wet cheeks
as I mourned the end of one era,
one doomed relationship,
and wondered where and when
I would make a home –
stand in a lit kitchen
as dusk fell outside,
put children in pajamas
with some kind of song
and call that all a life –

how could I know then
that I was weeks away
from meeting the man
who would make that home,
from his belief in dreams older than us.

His first serenade then was shaky
from a hangover, from nerves, or
from picking the wrong song,
but he brought me music at the beginning
and fills our home and hearts
with it now.

After casting aside my poetry hat for far too long, my NaBloPoMo plan is to write a poem — and to take and post a photo — every day in November, spending less than half an hour on both. The hope is to drill down, to focus, to look for and create beauty.

Previous Posts:

Day 1: Eleven One

Day 2: Shoreline

Day 3: Damage

Day 4: On Parenting and Sunrises

After casting aside my poetry hat for far too long, my NaBloPoMo plan is to write a poem — and to take and post a photo — every day in November, spending less than half an hour on both. The hope is to drill down, to focus, to look for and create beauty.

See below for links to previous entries including Day One about why poetry?

Although it has been my intention for some time to start going to bed early and getting up early, it seems that even when I do, morning is not the time I feel like writing unless the scenes have been percolating for days or weeks and are all but fully formed, just waiting for a quiet moment to release themselves onto the page without interruption. That is for the novel or prose, though.

At then end of this fourth day of writing poetry, I have a hard time thinking that I will switch over from writing poetry at night to writing it first thing. So far it’s been something to gnaw on during the day and produce at night. And I’ve been taking new photos each day, so it would be hard to get much interesting photographed before dawn! And goodness knows no poetry is going to get written while I’m making everyone’s breakfast, getting lunches packed, putting away last night’s dishes, possibly starting that evening’s dinner, preparing remedies and supplements, sweeping the floor, and maybe trying to do some breathwork or yoga.

Tonight I was stood up by my first tutoring appointment, but since there was a chance he might show up late, I didn’t call the second appointment to start early. Instead, I worked on a synopsis (think back cover) of the novel I’m writing to see if I could pinpoint what it’s about. And I wrote this poem thinking about this morning’s sunrise photo shoot. And about my children.

On Parenting and Sunrises

What shines is remarkable
for what it reveals
outside itself

For the glow it brings
to what is nearby,
when those leaves
or that cloud
or your face
appears to warm,
to stretch into a smile

We are forgiven
if we sometimes
dismiss the light itself
to brood over
the brightened path in its wake

Previous Posts:

Day 1: Eleven One

Day 2: Shoreline

Day 3: Damage

Welcome to the second edition of the “I’m a Natural Parent – BUT…” Carnival

This post was written for inclusion in the carnival hosted by The Artful Mama and our feminist {play}school. During this carnival our participants have focused on how mainstream society has affected their natural parenting and how they have come to peace with this.

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Although I feel good about many of the choices I make, there are things I want my kids to do, practice, and believe that I’m simply not modeling for them.

Things I want my kids to have include:

An internal sense of rhythm, a sense of peace and openness in their hearts, an appreciation for beauty and magic, a deep connection to nature, healthy bodies, intrinsic motivation to make healthy & positive choices, and a “default setting” of joyful and happy with an ability to touch places of sadness and anger lightly, without settling there.

Things I do (usually but not always with the help of my husband) that help cultivate the above include:

Providing fairly consistent meal experiences (even if I don’t always join the kids in eating); usually healthy food, including some bone broth every day and never any visits to fast food joints or anything with artificial colors or dyes or HFCS; inhabiting a home that opens to the woods and a garden (in the old place, and next year in the new); getting myself help when I am not well; and keeping a cheery tone and an assumption of positive intent most of the time

But, the many things I do that run in direct opposition to the above include:

Forgetting to breathe; not exercising, or cultivating a yoga or meditation practice; going to bed too late;  letting my two-year-old daughter eat almost an entire bag of dried mango and half a bag of lentil chips because it kept her quiet and occupied (and there a lot more stories like that!); bribing my six-year-old son with half of a gluten-free Oreo if he is cooperative and doesn’t do x, y, and z; letting my son (and thus also his toddler sister) watch TV instead of finding a fun way to have him help me make dinner because I need to make phone calls or reply to emails in between stirring pots and want him out of the way; not getting out to hike hardly ever and never once to camp.

And that’s just the start of it!

Some of this is circumstantial: we’ve been renovating a house, we’ve been moving, we were on vacation, the sun is shining (for super long!). At some point, though, the “exceptional” happens enough that it becomes what kids think of as their regular reality. I have to admit it: our regular reality is not all that mindful or calm, or full of gentleness and joy.

Part of the puzzle is that I’ve been struggling with my health since my two-year-old was born. When I was in such belly pain 6 months into this gig mothering two kids that I had to go on a restrictive diet to eliminate all starches, all grains, all sugar and even, for the better part of a year, all raw vegetables (except freshly juiced) and all fruit.

That kind of put a damper on eating togetherness. I also realized that my adrenal stress was such that I literally could not digest if I had to multitask while eating. That meant no nursing while eating or trying to have a toddler eat but needing to hold her or change her diaper or get her brother’s paws off of her halfway through the meal. It’s ideal for anyone to eat calmly and sit for 20 minutes afterward, but for me, it’s a necessity for optimal health. So eating became something I did during naps or while the kids were at school or with a babysitter. Or for a while during the busiest time of the move (and after weaning reduced my caloric requirements), not at all.

Now how will kids learn that mealtime is a joyful time of sharing healthy food if mama is cleaning off her juicer in the kitchen while they eat at the table?

The sheer volume of work involved in the GAPS diet is perhaps staggering: making bone broth on a regular basis, cooking all your veggies in it, making almond “bread” from scratch if I want anything to chew on, soaking and drying nuts, peeling almonds before drying them, fermenting veggies and fruits, and the list goes on. Lots of moms do lots of these things, but I haven’t been able to manage doing them all and actually eating with my kids — and not paying for it later — until recently. I’ve been on this diet for 18 months.

Now, it’s true that I haven’t exactly dropped everything else in my life to do only food. Some might argue that I am doing too many things half-(bottom)ed around the house and too many things in general. There was volunteering for my son’s school to raise money to build a wetland learning lab last year (and the benefit concert I organized); editing my friend Monica Corrado’s real food techniques cookbook, With Love from Grandmother’s Kitchen; going to conferences, locally or with family in tow (Weston A. Price Foundation Wise Traditions, Fourfold Path to Healing, AWP, Wanderlust, Take Back Your Health, Gluten-Free Expo) and solo this summer to BlogHer.

These trips are not necessities, I know. But even though the travel and excursions might be tiring and keep me from hunkering down and doing other more nature-oriented things, learning from others in these environments inspires me and helps me feel hopeful and alive.

It could be argued that I’m teaching my kids the opposite of making your home your sanctuary.

And that would be ironic, because the biggest project of the last 9 months has been renovating our house. We bought the home next door that was in terrible shape because a) somebody was going to renovate it or tear it down, and we didn’t want to sit next door and watch a McMansion go up b) it has an awesome yard where we can build a wonderful garden and have room for a natural play area c) my husband is a wannabe architect and has been fantasizing for years about how he’d build an addition from scratch and d) this gave us the chance to look at how we were living in our little Cape Cod and create out of the identical footprint a home that would work for our family for years to come, and to be a place of beauty, too.

Except that right now, it’s a mess.

The title and tagline of the blog I started for the renovation project are: “Conjuring Home: Renovating green, smart and beautiful. Designing for real family life.” The title and tagline for this blog are “Crunchy-Chewy Mama: Living naturally, most of the time.”

Nobody is ever perfect, but I do sometimes get the sense that I’m teaching my kids to think of chaos and being in-process as the norm when I believe in my heart that order and calm are what would do them good.

So how do I compensate?

Well, now that I’m feeling better and the boxes to unpack are dwindling, I hope some will just naturally fall back in line. But I also think I need to make some lists, do some more prioritizing and thinking. Just writing the above has helped! My next task is to list all the things I wish I were doing and see what it would take to make those happen — whether they are just not who I am or if I can enjoy them after some kind of initial learning curve hump is cleared.

These are things like singing transitions, reciting some prayers of gratitude and safety/calming at meals and bedtime (and maybe using a candle), moving mindfully, getting through the day with happy tones (no more exasperation!), approaching sleep with gratitude and ease, regularly using essential oils and flower essences for balance (in non-crisis times), reading for pleasure, and eventually, doing some handwork for pleasure.

But I feel like I need some space to make these changes. This fall, I am putting my two-year-old daughter in an in-home Montessori school three days a week. I want her to experience consistency in her bones and to be somewhere she will see others modeling for her a peaceful, calm approach (well, the adults anyway. And maybe some of the kids, too!) It’s a lovely setting with a beautiful yard. She will eat with others, and only healthy food.

Essentially I am paying other people to show her a simple path where her mother seems to clutch at contradiction all the time (again, see the title of my blog!).

What I hope is that the clear-cut boundaries of time and space will give me what I need to pursue my writing (which keeps me sane) and my freelance career (to keep me from needing an office job) and my health needs. I hope my daughter likes the program and that we do, too, even though we trend more toward a Waldorf approach to education.

My son? He’s now 6.  He went to a Waldorf preschool but is returning for his first grade year at a “choice” (magnet) public school with an Expeditionary Learning focus. There is lots of connection to nature built into the curriculum, a strong sense of community, and, I’m happy to announce, a brand-new wetlands learning lab that is almost complete and is already home to happy frogs.

I am going to try to envision myself leaping for joy and then enjoying the sun from my lily pad.

—

How do you manage to be the kind person you want your children to grow into and still find time to sleep, eat and breathe?

Please share your genius (or admit your imperfections!)

***

This carnival was created by The Artful Mama and Natural Parents Network. We recognize that “natural parenting” means different things to different families, and we are dedicated to providing a safe place for all families, regardless of where they are in their parenting journeys.

Please take time to read the submissions by the other carnival participants:

• I’m a Natural Parent- BUT… – Carrie at Frugal Foodie Mama says “We breastfeed. We co-sleep. We babywear. But we do not cloth diaper. This post is about my reasons why I haven’t, and why I would still like to try it.”
• Am I Really a Natural Parent? – Valerie at Momma in Progress confesses maybe she’s a bit more mainstream than she thought.
• I’m a Crunchy Mama, BUT… – Shannon at GrowingSlower has learned that her food doesn’t grow on grocery store shelves, but she still has a long way to go.
• I’m a Natural Parent, but…my kid loves a screen – Lyndsay owns her son’s love for television programming, ipad and apps.
• Ashamed to Breastfeed – Kym at Our Crazy Corner of the World talks about how she was ashamed and intimidated to breastfeed in public.
• When they gotta go… – Jorje of Momma Jorje shares her EC weakness…
• Love For the Mainstream – Amy W. explains how letting a mainstream family into her life increased her self-awareness, and helps her to maintain balance while advocating for natural parenting.
• Weaning My Nursling – Alisha at Cinnamon&Sassafras reflects on her decision to wean her son, rather than waiting for him to decide.
• I’m a Natural Parent But…My Toddler is a Junk Food Junkie – Chanisa at City Girl Slash Hippie Mom talks about how she’s trying to get her two year old to have healthier eating habits
• I’m a Natural Parent – But…I’m Socially Awkward – Shannon of The Artful Mama talks about the difficulties she experiences maintaining her conviction when she experiences social resistance.
• Holding onto connection when traveling – Lauren at Hobo Mama wants to respect her children rather than demand obedience … but it’s so hard around family.
• What would the neighbours think?! – Teresa at This Savvy Mama talks about the pressures of balancing life skills with the realities of having two young children.
• French Fries and Diaper Blowouts – Arpita hosts a guest post detailing how, just every once in a while, the chaos of running a business can hamper even the most regimented natural parenting plans, and the sometimes messy (and stinky!) consequences!
• Confessions of a mostly natural parent – Jessica of Crunchy Chewy Mama feels good about many of the choices she makes but there are things she wants her kids to do, practice, and believes that she is not modeling for them.

Welcome to the October Carnival of Natural Parenting: Money Matters

This post was written for inclusion in the monthly Carnival of Natural Parenting hosted by Code Name: Mama and Hobo Mama. This month our participants have shared how finances affect their parenting choices. Please read to the end to find a list of links to the other carnival participants.

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It might be sacrilegious to be an attachment parenting advocate and say this, but if money were no object, I would hire a live-in babysitter.

I can just hear the clicks away from my site now! No, really! Stay here! I’m not a monster. Let me explain!

I don’t mean I want to farm out parenting to someone else. I don’t mean that I would have someone attend to my baby in the night instead of nurse her, or that I wouldn’t feed an infant on demand, or that I wouldn’t babywear.

I just would like to do all of those things and also retain my mental and physical health.

So what I really want is a village. If I said that, or if I just said “I would get help to be healthy,” would that sound better?

After two easy pregnancies (one ending in a c-section and one a homebirth), I’ve had a rough time the second half of my postpartum years. My thyroid disorder has returned, and I’ve got psoriasis so bad on my knees I’ve been scratching them to bleeding. With my first child, the skin cleared up when he began sleeping through the night at age two. Whether because of my getting uninterrupted sleep or my hormones finally settling down, I don’t know. For a long time I thought it was in large part due to the holistic medicine and energy clearing work I did, and maybe that did help a lot.

The thing is, I couldn’t pursue those healing modalities until I had space and time away from my son. And, with intense separation anxiety, I couldn’t get that time because I just couldn’t invest in a sitter who would be around for him to feel comfortable.

When my daughter came along, I didn’t get to nap with her like I did with my son because now he was an active, social four-year-old with a preschool schedule and a constant desire to hang out with friends or at least with me. Leaving him to play on his own while I got the baby to sleep has never been much of an option, and his willingness to rest alone in his room is about nil.

For many months, I felt like no one’s needs were getting met. I didn’t get to focus on the baby, I didn’t get to focus on my son, I didn’t get to focus on me. The one place I couldn’t cut corners has been with food: I will literally get sick if I don’t make all my food from scratch. A mama who has to plunk her baby in the pack n play while she sits on the potty is not exactly what I envisioned for myself.

So I cook. A lot. And I struggle with modeling the mindfulness I want my children to see when I am constantly doing three things at once. I want to be attentive, but when my mind is so muddled and my body so tired, that’s hard.

Last spring, I got a sitter to help out for a low rate since she can’t drive and the baby might be asleep a lot. But then she ended up being such a help in the house, cleaning dishes and chopping vegetables, folding and putting away laundry. I felt like I could breathe!

And this fall, I’ve found a great sitter — a client of my doula — who wears my daughter. I’m told that Baby A likes to feed the sitter’s son, and I get cute texts on occasion.

Having this help and my son in kindergarten has made such a difference. I doubt we’ll be blessed with a third child, but if I did have to do newborn time all over, I would try to fit in a lot of tutoring and as much freelance editing work I could so that we could justify a lot of help before and after. After seeing other moms benefit from having an au pair who is just around all the time, I covet the ability to just go for a walk or accept a last-minute opening for an acupuncture class without having to spend an hour looking for 80 minutes of childcare coverage.

Other folks I know have family visit periodically, or they live near family members who can just pop over when need be. I wish this were the case for us, but it’s not. One grandmother has more years of travel and help left in her, but the other doesn’t. We just enjoy the time we can spend with her without putting her health over the edge. My sisters have been able to offer some help, but they each have their own three children.

I realize I’m lucky to be in a position that we can afford the healthful food I need to eat and the healthcare appointments I manage to actually make. But if someone handed me an open checkbook, I would fill it with support so that I could really be my best self.

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Visit Code Name: Mama and Hobo Mama to find out how you can participate in the next Carnival of Natural Parenting!

Please take time to read the submissions by the other carnival participants:

(This list will be live and updated by afternoon October 11 with all the carnival links.)

• Money Matter$ — Jenny at I’m a full-time mummy shares her experiences on several ways to save money as a parent.
• A different kind of life… — Mrs Green from Little Green Blog shares her utopian life and how it differs from her current one!
• Show Me The Money! — Arpita of Up, Down & Natural shares her experience of planning for parenting costs while also balancing the financial aspect of infertility treatments.
• Material v Spiritual Wealth – Living a Very Frugal Life with Kids — Amy at Peace 4 Parents shares her family’s realizations about the differences between material and spiritual wealth.
• If I Had a Money Tree — Sheila at A Gift Universe lists the things she would buy for her children if money were no object.
• Financial Sacrifices, Budgets, and the Single Income Family — Jennifer at Hybrid Rasta Mama looks at the importance of living within your means, the basics of crafting a budget, and the “real cost” of working outside of the home.
• Overcoming My Fear of All Things Financial — Christine at African Babies Don’t Cry shares how she is currently overcoming her fear of money and trying to rectify her ignorance of all things financial.
• Confessions of a Cheapskate — Adrienne at Mommying My Way admits that her cheapskate tendencies that were present pre-motherhood only compounded post-baby.
• Money Matters — Witch Mom hates money; here’s why.
• Money? What Money?! — Alicia C. at McCrenshaw’s Newest Thoughts describes how decisions she’s made have resulted in little income, yet a green lifestyle for her and her family.
• What matters. — Laura at Our Messy Messy Life might worry about spending too much money on the grocery budget, but she will not sacrifice quality to save a dollar.
• Making Ends Meet — Abbie at Farmer’s Daughter shares about being a working mom and natural parent.
• Poor People, Wealthy Ways — Sylvia at MaMammalia discusses how existing on very little money allows her to set an example of how to live conscientiously and with love.
• The Green Stuff — Amyables at Toddler In Tow shares how natural parenting has bettered her budget – and her perspective on creating and mothering.
• Jemma’s Money — Take a sneak peek at That Mama Gretchen’s monthly budget and how Jemma fits into it.
• 5 Tips for How to Save Time and Money by Eating Healthier — Family meal prep can be expensive and time-consuming without a plan! Dionna at Code Name: Mama shares five easy tips for how to make your cooking life (and budget) easier.
• Belonging in the Countryside — Lack of money led Phoebe at Little Tinker Tales towards natural parenting, but it also hinders her from realizing her dream.
• Total Disclosure and Total Reform — Claire at The Adventures of Lactating Girl gets down to the nitty gritty of her money problems with hopes that you all can help her get her budget under control.
• Save Money by Using What You Have — Gaby at Tmuffin is only good with money because she’s lazy, has trouble throwing things away, and is indecisive. Here are some money-saving tips that helped her manage to quit her job and save enough money to become a WAHM.
• Two Hippos & Ten Euros: A Lesson in Budgeting — MudpieMama shares all about how her boys managed a tight budget at a recent zoo outing.
• ABBA said it — Laura from A Pug in the Kitchen ponders where her family has come from, where they are now and her hopes for her children’s financial future.
• Money vs. Time — Momma Jorje writes about cutting back on junk, bills, and then ultimately on income as well ~ to gain something of greater value: Time.
• An Unexpected Cost of Parenting — Moorea at MamaLady shares how medical crises changed how she feels about planning for parenthood.
• 5 Ways This Stay at Home Mom Saves Money — Charise at I Thought I Knew Mama shares 5 self-imposed guidelines that help her spend as little money as possible.
• Frugal Parenting — Lisa at My World Edenwild shares 8 ways she saves money and enriches her family’s lives at the same time.
• Conscious Cash Conscious — Zoie at TouchstoneZ shares her 5 money-conscious considerations that balance her family’s joy with their eco-friendly ideals.
• Money, Sex and Having it All — Patti at Jazzy Mama explains how she’s willing to give up one thing to get another. (And just for fun, she pretends to give advice on how to build capital in the bedroom.)
• Money could buy me … a clone? — With no local family to help out, Jessica Claire at Crunchy-Chewy Mama wants childcare so she can take care of her health.
• Spending Intentionally — CatholicMommy loves to budget! Join her to learn what to buy, what not to buy, and, most importantly, where to buy.
• New lessons from an allowance — Lauren at Hobo Mama welcomes a follow-up guest post from Sam about the latest lessons their four-year-old’s learned from having his own spending money.
• How to Homeschool without Spending a Fortune — Deb Chitwood at Living Montessori Now shares tips and links to many resources for saving money while homeschooling from preschool through high school.
• It’s Not a Baby Crisis. It’s Not Even a Professional Crisis. — Why paid maternity leave, you may ask? Rachael at The Variegated Life has some answers.
• “Making” Money — Do you like to do-it-yourself? Amy at Anktangle uses her crafty skills to save her family money and live a little greener.
• Money On My Mind — Luschka at Diary of a First Child has been thinking about money and her relationship with it, specifically how it impacts on her parenting, her parenting choices, and ultimately her lifestyle.
• Spending, Saving, and Finding a Balance — Melissa at The New Mommy Files discusses the various choices she and her family have made that affect their finances, and finds it all to be worth it in the end.
• Accounting for Taste — Cassie at There’s a Pickle in My Life shares their budget and talks about how they decided food is the most important item to budget for.
• Money Matters… But Not Too Much — Mamapoekie at Authentic Parenting shares how her family approaches money without putting too much of a focus onto it.
• Parenting While Owning a Home Business — In a guest post at Natural Parents Network, Lauren at Hobo Mama lays out the pros and cons of balancing parenting with working from home.
• Crunchy Living is SO Expensive…Or Is It? — Kelly at Becoming Crunchy talks about her biggest objection to natural living – and her surprise at what she learned.
• Mo’ Money, Mo’ Problems — Sarah at Parenting God’s Children shares how a financial accountability partner changed her family’s finances.
• The Importance of Food Planning — Amanda at Let’s Take the Metro discusses how food budgeting and planning has helped her, even if she doesn’t always do it.
• Kids & Money: Starting an Allowance for Preschoolers — Kristin at Intrepid Murmurings discusses her family’s approach and experiences with starting an allowance for preschoolers.

From lots of yoga to none and back again! This week I’m taking part in the Anusara Grand Circle and Wanderlust Vermont. I’ll be reporting on the events for my Washington Times Communities column but at least wanted to post some personal reflections here before my head gets any more exploded!

These are groovy people. They really want you to be happy with yourself. I knew that Anusara yoga was about opening the heart, but I am learning that it does that by helping you believe that everything is good in its essential core and that you are whole and beautiful just as you are. “No one can make the kind of artistry you can,” said Anusara founder John Friend in his Monday morning class.

Just hearing this kind of feel-good message – especially from such a lovely voice, and later repeated by other teachers – can be transformative on its own if you’re in a place where you’re ready to hear it. But here, in the beautiful mountains of Vermont, on a crisp clear day just before the summer solstice, the words came at me while I was breathing deeply and moving intentionally in a yoga practice. It’s a powerful thing, this combination of worthiness talk while my body’s nervous system is getting calmed down and every cell is getting a jacked up dose of oxygen.

Today, I was a little intimidated to do a full backbend or wheel pose since it’s not something I practice regularly. I do know that bridge pose often leaves me feeling like my body has just been washed in warm sunlight, the kind that calms but doesn’t burn. In fact, it was the hope of changing my sour mood and getting myself back to sleep that caused me to do a bridge pose the day before my daughter was due. Instead, my water broke and she was born 4.5 hours later.

But wheel requires more upper body strength, something I’ve never had much of. So it was a huge surprise and such a delight to find myself today actually giddy after we’d done it a third time. The first two times, I just rested on the top of my head, but the third, I found I could rise up, and it felt delicious. I started laughing when I came down. Clearly, I was not alone in my reaction; John friend said knowingly, “Backbends can make anything better.”

My backbend two days later, more tired and a little less able to reach for the sky. Don't you just want to take a strap and pull up my hips and nudge my shoulder blades so that I can lift my heart up and forward?

The class with John wasn’t especially hard; it was longer than a regular class but shared a lot in common with the great classes I took at Centered Yoga during my 10-day/10-class yoga challenge earlier this month. I felt very well prepared. But with extra assistants in the room in the large morning class and later in the alignment and fundamentals class with Deb Neubauer, I got some helpful assists and adjustments. Maybe it was the extra dose of talk from John on the message of “No, really. You seriously are fine the way you are. Nothing needs to be fixed. You just need to come into alignment to realize the full expression of yourself.”

Or maybe I was just ready to believe that I am not broken because I left my house a complete mess, spent hours packing for this trip and still forgot things and slept less than I needed to the night before we left (two hours later than I’d hoped).  Maybe I inherently do believe that it’s okay that I pursue all the things I do. Maybe I’ve invented the belief that I should feel guilty just because my husband doesn’t greet each new project I undertake with pom poms on the sidelines or because other women seem to be perfectly content to full-on homeschool and to do handwork all the time.

I love the idea of being an artist, something that was said today many times. I love the idea of dropping self-criticisms or questions. I mean, isn’t it more enjoyable to be around someone who relishes her life and makes no apologies than someone who constantly is saying she’s sorry about not replying to emails or lamenting the fact that she didn’t get around to something she wanted to do with her kids?

Methinks this is exactly what my friend Patricia recently talked about in her workshop. If you are intentional (a big word in Anusara) and live according to your priorities rather than just stumbling along or going through the motions – whether that’s in sun salutation or parenting – just how fulfilled can you be?

So I’m inspired! And yet, I’m writing this at 10:40 p.m. with a baby on my back because she would not go to sleep and stay asleep any other way. There are realities in our lives beyond our control, but if I remember that parenting is part of a chosen path that brings me so much joy and wisdom, perhaps I can drop the grumbling about lost free time.

For now, I’m thinking that I will be so sore in the morning that I will stay home from the morning yoga and hope to get the internet working in our rental house so that I can post this and maybe write some more.

Related posts:

Yoga festival co-founder shares her vision: Interview with Schuyler Grant

Yoga gathering celebrates “magic” on the solstice: Report from day one of Anusara Grand Circle

and

Yogi goes to Vermont, the second post I wrote about the event for this blog but the first post I actually got up. This post, the first I wrote back on Monday, was held captive on the laptop that couldn’t connect to ethernet, and we had no flash drive and no opportunity to get to wireless for two days, so I’m actually posting this Wednesday night and back-dating the time stamp to when I wrote it. Did I mention I’m sitting the parking lot of a hotel siphoning off their public wifi while my daughter sleeps in her carseat. Here’s hoping my son stopped crying when I left instead of having a fit that his grandmother was going to put him to bed. I do feel guilty enough that  probably won’t stay as long as my battery would let me, just in case he’s refusing to sleep.