Welcome to the May 2012 Carnival of Natural Parenting: Parenting With or Without Extended Family

This post was written for inclusion in the monthly Carnival of Natural Parenting hosted by Hobo Mama and Code Name: Mama. This month our participants have shared how relatives help or hinder their parenting. Please read to the end to find a list of links to the other carnival participants.

***

This post would be awesome if I had family that lived nearby.

The topic of this month’s Carnival of Natural Parenting is exactly what I lamented over two years ago in a post I wrote for DC Metro Moms. It is hard to do this parenting gig without help, and when there is no family, and your friends are as busy as you are, well, for me that means that every slice of babysitting I need requires scheduling. And that means time, texts, and changed plans when the sitter’s kid gets sick.

As a stay-at-home mom with a few hours a week of tutoring and freelance work and multiple random hours of volunteer stuff, in addition to my current role as interior designer/realtor for our house renovation and sale, I rely on sitters who don’t always come through. I often feel like I can’t count on much. And that drives me batty. If my folks were in good health and lived in town, that would be a game-changer.

But they don’t want to leave Michigan, and I don’t want to go back. I like living near DC. And they’re not of the persuasion or stamina to take the kids for more than an hour or two anyway. My husband’s parents would not be options for extended or regular help either, though I can leave the kids for a few hours with their grandma when we visit her and when she visits us, each once or maybe twice a year.

Part of me wishes that the kids knew their grandparents more and that we could just drop in whenever and that they could come help out whenever. But since health and age and inclination don’t point in that direction, I’m okay with it being special to have visits with them.

What has been great has been help from my sisters and their kids, as I first wrote over two years ago. A community of youngsters is a place for my gregarious son to thrive. Now 6, he’d have felt so much more comfortable as a baby and toddler, I think, if he weren’t the oldest and if we had more familiar folks around all the time. I can see the difference in my similar temperament toddler daughter who has no problem with a new sitter or an unfamiliar situation if her brother is around.

We’re in the middle of a house renovation that has taken all my time and energy, and then some. The actual move, I’m sure, will take weeks, if not months to crawl out from under. When a friend moved a few years ago, she said she didn’t even unpack; her parents did it all. Then they painted her basement one weekend. That is not the kind of support I could ever expect. If I need help packing, I either need to ask a friend, which I’m generally not comfortable doing since she’s likely to be as maxed out as I am, or I have to pay someone to watch my kids and/or help me.

Last week, after the sitter got my daughter to sleep easier (and then longer) than I ever can, she helped me move around furniture in the house so that I could stage it for photos. This week the sitter has been sick, and man, it takes a lot longer. And if the baby won’t sleep, forget the bigger sorting and packing. She’ll undo whatever I did in a heartbeat. So I stay up late, and my health suffers.

So yes, it would be nice if I could send her and her brother to grandma’s. I even tend to cop a righteous attitude at times that people with family nearby simply do not understand what it means to parent in the same way that I do. Oh, woe is me, she who has to pay people to keep her sane! But seriously, it just ain’t the same as people who use their parents for childcare or as my friend who lives with her folks.

And yet, I know we are lucky to have this choice to make. A lot of the people in the recent NPR Family Matters series would opt not to live under one roof if they didn’t have to, and my friend, a mom of two who owes more on her home than it’s worth, would probably rather her family be on its own. But she also admits that it works well to live with her folks. She can go out whenever she needs to, go back to work without needing to bundle her baby to a daycare, or wake early without wondering if someone is going to have texted her a cancellation and change the entire look of her day.

With my health issues and especially with the current house project — doing renovations on the new one and prepping this one to sell — and with my husband’s schedule not putting him home before 6 p.m., I couldn’t get by without some help. I know other people who do it, people whose husbands travel out of town for days or even weeks at a time. If that were the case here, I’d need to get a full-time nanny. As much as I don’t love the stress of doing too many things, I also know I cannot take care of myself and my kids being a full-time mom without taking time to cook what will sustain me and eat it without interruption at least some days, and without pursuing things I’m passionate about. If I didn’t have a partner coming home each night, I’d set out to earn enough to pay someone to help enough that I could get all my needs met.

Do I wish that person were a family member? That the time my kids spend with another adult be with someone who shares their DNA and can tell them stories that have ancestral import? Sure. Am I jealous of people for whom this has worked out? Yes. Does my parents’ age and health today give me pause when I think about having children past 36, the age they were when I was born? Yep. Would I advise young folks considering parenthood to live close to family if that’s at all an option? Absolutely.

But I do appreciate the fact that my parents and my in-laws love us and our kids, that they respect our wishes, support our choices. There are plenty of ugly situations out there, and it means a lot my kids know that they have generous and loving grandparents. Even if they do live hours — and hours — away.

***

Visit Hobo Mama and Code Name: Mama to find out how you can participate in the next Carnival of Natural Parenting!

Please take time to read the submissions by the other carnival participants:

(This list will be live and updated by afternoon May 8 with all the carnival links.)

• Dealing With Unsupportive Grandparents — In a guest post at Natural Parents Network, The Pistachio Project tells what to do when your child’s grandparents are less than thrilled about your parenting choices.
• Parenting With Extended Family — Jenny at I’m a full-time mummy shares the pros and cons of parenting with extended family…
• Parental Support for an AP Mama — Meegs at A New Day talks about the invaluable support of her parents in her journey to be an AP mama.
• Priceless Grandparents — That Mama Gretchen reflects on her relationship with her priceless Grammy while sharing ways to help children preserve memories of their own special grandparents.
• Routines Are Meant To Be Broken — Olga at Around The Birthing Ball urges us to see Extended Family as a crucial and necessary link between what children are used to at home and the world at large.
• It Helps To Have A Village – Even A Small One — Jennifer at Hybrid Rasta Mama discusses how she has flourished as a mother due to the support of her parents.
• The Orange Week — Erika at Cinco de Mommy lets go of some rules when her family finally visits extended family in San Diego.
• One Size Doesn’t Fit All — Kellie at Our Mindful Life realizes that when it comes to family, some like it bigger and some like it smaller.
• It Takes a Family — Alicia at What’s Next can’t imagine raising a child without the help of her family.
• A new foray into family — As someone who never experienced close extended family, Lauren at Hobo Mama wrestles with how to raise her kids — and herself — to restart that type of community.
• My Mama Rocks! — Kat at Loving {Almost} Every Moment is one lucky Mama to have the support and presence of her own awesome Mama.
• Embracing Our Extended Family — Deb Chitwood at Living Montessori Now shares 7 ideas for nurturing relationships with extended family members.
• Doing Things Differently — Valerie at Momma in Progress shares how parenting her children far away from extended family improved her confidence in her choices.
• Snapshots of love — Caroline at stoneageparent describes the joys of sharing her young son’s life with her own parents.
• Parenting with Relies – A mixed bag — Ursula Ciller shares some of her viewpoints on the pros and cons of parenting with relatives and extended family.
• Tante and Uncles — How a great adult sibling relationship begets a great relationship with aunt and uncles from Jennifer at True Confessions of a Real Mommy.
• Tips for Traveling With Twins — Megan at the Boho Mama shares some tips for traveling with infant twins (or two or more babies!).
• Parenting passed through the generations — Shannon at Pineapples & Artichokes talks about the incredible parenting resource that is her found family, and how she hopes to continue the trend.
• My Family and My Kids — Jorje of Momma Jorje ponders whether she distrusts her family or if she is simply a control freak.
• Parenting with a Hero — Rachel at Lautaret Bohemiet reminisces about the relationship she shared with her younger brother, and how he now shares that closeness in a relationship with her son.
• Text/ended Family — Kenna of A Million Tiny Things wishes her family was around for the Easter egg hunt… until she remembers what it’s actually like having her family around.
• Two Kinds of Families — Adrienne at Mommying My Way writes about how her extended family is just as valuable to her mommying as her church family.
• My ‘high-needs’ child and ’strangers’ — With a ‘high-needs’ daughter, aNonyMous at Radical Ramblings has had to manage without the help of family or friends, adapting to her daughter’s extreme shyness and allowing her to socialise on her own terms.
• Our Summer Tribe — Justine at The Lone Home Ranger shares a love of her family’s summer reunion, her secret to getting the wisdom of the “village” even as she lives 1,000 miles away.
• My Life Boat {Well, One of Them} — What good is a life boat if you don’t get it? Grandparents are a life boat MomeeeZen loves!
• Dear Children — In an open letter to her children, Laura at Pug in the Kitchen promises to support them as needed in her early days of parenting.
• Yearning for Tribal Times — Ever had one of those days where everything seems to keep going wrong? Amy at Anktangle recounts one such day and how it inspired her to think about what life must’ve been like when we lived together in large family units.
• I don’t have a village — Jessica Claire at Crunchy-Chewy Mama wishes she had family nearby but appreciates their support and respect.
• Trouble With MILs– Ourselves? — Jaye Anne at Wide Awake Half Asleep explains how her arguments with her mother-in-law may have something to do with herself.
• A Family Apart — Melissa at Vibrant Wanderings writes about the challenges, and the benefits, of building a family apart from relatives.
• First Do No Harm — Zoie at TouchstoneZ asks: How do you write about making different parenting choices than your own family experience without criticizing your parents?
• Military Family Separation — Amy Willa shares her feelings about being separated from extended family during her military family journey.
• Forging A Village In The Absence Of One — Luschka from Diary of a First Child writes about the importance of creating a support network, a village, when family isn’t an option.
• Respecting My Sister’s Parenting Decisions — Dionna at Code Name: Mama’s sister is guest posting on the many roles she has as an aunt. The most important? She is the named guardian, and she takes that role seriously.
• Multi-Generational Living: An Exercise in Love, Patience, and Co-Parenting — Boomerang Mama at The Other Baby Book shares her experience of moving back in with Mom and Dad for 7 months, and the unexpected connection that followed.
• A Heartfelt Letter to Family: Yes, We’re Weird, but Please Respect Us Anyway — Sheila of A Living Family sincerely expresses ways she would appreciate her extended family’s support for her and her children, despite their “weird” parenting choices.
• The nuclear family is insane! — Terri at Child of the Nature Isle is grateful for family support, wishes her Mum lived closer, and feels an intentional community would be the ideal way to raise her children.

Last spring, my sister-in-law advised me that the best thing I could do for my health would be to give myself a daily oil massage and to have a consistent schedule of sleeping and waking. And that would include a midday nap.

Right.

According to her, yoga instructor Charlotte Clews, when she advised me last June and also to Apurva Wellness‘ Whitney Paterson who “read my pulses” last weekend, my Ayurvedic dosha that was and is most out of balance is my vata, and that responds well to lifestyle changes.

Whitney is coming to my Holistic Moms Chapter on Thursday to give a presentation on the basics of Ayurvedic medicine.  I can’t wait to get a better understanding of this philosophy. It’s hard to commit to something you don’t understand, so Whitney will break it down for us. Apurva might at some point offer additional classes for moms who want to incorporate Ayurveda into their family’s wellness protocols.

Back in September, I listened to a “fall cleanse” conference call presentation of Charlotte’s and learned that it’s easier on your digestion to have breaks in between meals rather than to snack, and that you should not eat after the sun goes down, or after 7 p.m. I heard this reiterated in October when Dr. John Douillard spoke at the first Take Back Your Health Conference.

Since it’s nearly impossible for me to snack anyway, seeing as I still can’t tolerate/digest fruit, raw vegetables or any grain, I jumped on the 2-3 meal per day train. But maybe I took it too far. I end up often eating way too much just so I won’t – gasp! – get hungry and snack. As a breastfeeding mom under a fair bit of stress due in part to a house renovation, and with a wonky thyroid and blood sugar that goes haywire if I don’t sleep well,I sometimes find myself gorging on a full meal of broth with veggies, cooked veggies and meat, sauerkraut, maybe an egg, and then, if I don’t feel like I can for sure make it another four hours without eating (or it’s almost time for my daughter to wake or my son to get home from school), I binge on coconut butter and nut butter. That’s a lot of calories. And no, most of my clothes don’t fit very well!

Whitney Paterson of Apurva Wellness reads my son's pulse

Just before this weekend’s second Take Back Your Health conference, where Whitney read my pulses, I was doing some research on Ayurveda. I did a little quiz at Banyan Botanicals and found that my dosha or body constitution is predominantly vata, followed by pitta. Well, that’s probably not the way to describe it, but I’ll learn more Thursday! That’s just the way the percentages broke down.

I read about vata: “Because of the inherent “light” quality in Vata, you may think that heavy foods would nicely balance that quality but actually too much heavy food-or just too much food at a sitting–is too heavy for the lightness of the Vata digestive system.”

So I’m reconsidering my eat-a-lot-at-once approach. And, after getting some great online answers and having a wonderful talk before her Take Back Your Health conference presentation with Real Food Media founder and Cheeseslave blog author Ann Marie Michaels, I’m going to up my probiotics and try some more carbs. Ann Marie has been writing lately about low-carb diets being problematic for the thyroid. My digestion has really improved the past few months since I started taking L-glutamine, digestive enzymes, and colostrum, so I think I may be ready to bring back in some raw veggies and maybe some fruit.

Ann Marie quotes GAPS diet creator Natasha Campbell-McBride as saying that 95% of food sensitivities — or more — can be cured. Her story about healing from painful arthritis at age 24 is powerful. She was told she’d end up in a wheelchair and she went on to get so well that after two years on a strict diet, she can now eat whatever she wants. And besides having an adorable five-year-old and a fabulous career, she looks great!

The conference also got me inspired about more juicing. I’ve been juicing every morning for a few months, and most mornings for several months, but I might try several times a day, and I certainly want to start adding in some sprouts. It was fun to see on the podium Raw Food Institute founder Lisa Wilson, with whom I took cooking classes from Monica Corrado now five years ago. Of course, my two children only made it about 20 minutes through her presentation (but then we got to go get my cell phone tested from Christine Hoch of the Center for Safer Wireless; Christine will be speaking at my June Holistic Moms meeting!)

Many moons ago, my friend (and now certified yoga instructor) Pamela of Walking on My Hands lent me a copy of Eat Taste Heal that I had better read before she moves away in a few months! It gives tips on eating right for your dosha. Since I’ve had such a limited diet while on the GAPS introductory protocol, I’ve resisted any other suggestions. My stomach was so sensitive for months. But I’m getting so sick of the psoriasis on my skin, I’m ready to make some changes — or I will be soon after we get a few decisions made on our house!

My son and his allergies, before any treatment

For a long time, I’ve owned Dr. Douillard’s Perfect Health for Kids, (recommended by Charlotte), but I hadn’t taken the time to read too much until recently when my son, age six, faced terrible seasonal allergies for the second year in a row. Almost a month of puffy eyes and staying indoors is no fun! Douillard recommends trikatu for allergies, but Charlotte, who knows my son, said he probably needs a more alkaline diet with more bitters and less meat. I had already tried bringing in more turmeric to his diet, and we’d been given a supplement from one of our practitioners to help his liver detox, Isagenix Cleanse for Life.

Whitney of Apurva read in little E’s pulses that he was a pitta-dominant individual (as she suspected from his red hair, and as I suspected from his temperament!). Noting that pitta individuals respond well to diet (while vatas respond well to lifestyle), she suggested I look into a pitta-calming diet. We were staying at a hotel and then launched into a super busy week, but I have at least managed to heed her recommendation for coconut water.

After I get a better understanding from Whitney’s presentation — and after we round some corners on this house project — I hope to bring more of this awareness into my home and my kitchen.

You can learn lots of practical tips on incorporating Ayurveda into your family’s wellness protocols by reading Dr. Douillard’s book. I’m giving away a signed copy of Perfect Health for Kids.

How to enter:

Comment below by sharing an experience of a cleansing or seasonal diet or a lifestyle change that made a difference in your health. Or share what kinds of health issues you’d like to consider Ayurveda for. Or share something about seasonal or food allergies.

You have until 5 p.m., April 27 to enter. Winner will be drawn at random. I look forward to hearing your stories!

When my friend and neighbor asked if I would watch her son so that she could take advantage of a $5 yoga deal, I said, “How about I offer up my babysitter instead and go with you?”

I’ve been meaning to get to Old Town Alexandria’s Radiance Yoga for a while, but it’s just a little to far for me to want to suck up too much solo time I could otherwise use for writing, cooking, cleaning, resting or, now that we are renovating a house and preparing to move, researching tile and paint or packing! And I’m not feeling all that great, much weaker than last spring when I did my 10-day Yoga Challenge.

The prospect of getting to catch up with another busy mom, though, was as compelling as the potential bliss and healing power of yoga. Driving time without kids in the back means completing sentences!

So I checked out Radiance’s schedule of special $5 weekday morning classes during the month of March, asked my sitter to take on another kid for two hours, and made it a date!

When standing next to a total yoga newbie, one experiences a class with fresh eyes. The centering, the intention-setting, the altar, the breath, the pose. This really is a beautiful tradition. I’ve missed it.

It was a lovely Gentle Flow class, with a perfect balance explanation and movement for new and old alike. Since I’ve been dealing lately with exhaustion and probably a struggling thyroid, I was not up for anything more vigorous. it’s been hard for me to even want to keep up any kind of practice at home. This class hit the spot for getting me back in my body without any fear of not keeping up or overdoing it.

And yet, I’m actually a little tired now, maybe because the morning fog has risen only so high, keeping a grey cloudcover over a humid midday. So I’ve fired up the SAD light and made myself a cup of Rainforest Treasure Tea. I may even have a few drops of Camu Gold so that I can get through tutoring this afternoon. (Next week I’m meeting with an allergy elimination person and a medical intuitive who can perhaps tell me if these supplements are okay for adrenally-fatigued me.)

If I haven’t overdone it and feel okay when I get up tomorrow, I am hoping to take advantage of the $5 class special to check out a Kundalini yoga and meditation class tomorrow. If the breathwork could do me even a fraction of the good I felt after Tommy Rosen’s class last June at Wanderlust, that would be a real help.

If you’re near Alexandria, be sure to take advantage of these $5 Radiance classes while they last (hint: March ends soon!). And if you’re looking for something grander, check out my roundup of spring and summer yoga festivals.

Are there any other good yoga deals before DC Yoga Week begins in May?

No one has to convince me not to try to be perfect. Okay, I do have perfectionist tendencies in some areas, but when I read about mothers having epiphanies that they don’t need to keep the house spotless, I feel like I am living on some other planet. One with lots of spots.

It looks -- and sounds -- pretty messy and conflicted around here!

My floors get vacuumed fairly often, but they are so dirty my daughter’s white socks are permanently light brown on the bottom. And that’s even with her taking them off and walking around barefoot half the time. There is always stuff on the floor.  “Done with it? Drop it!” appears to be our family motto.

Reading Chapter Five of Renee Peterson Trudeau’s Mother’s Guide to Self-Renewal at first glance didn’t do anything to make me feel any better, or to inspire me to slack on my expectations. It actually made me feel kind of bad that I really don’t hold myself to very high standards – I let plenty go! – and I still feel frustrated!

Yes, I would like my home to be a lovely place of beauty. Yes, I would like my kids to grow up with respect for their toys and to learn to treat things with reverence rather than refuse. These things are about values, not because I feel like I have to reach for some externally-defined sense of perfection.

A large part of the desire to renovate the house next door came from an interest in re-imagining home: figuring out what doesn’t work and finding creative solutions to make it work when the template is closer to blank.

Yes, I would really like to get this right. But that’s so that I can actually enjoy the place I spend so much time because it looks pretty and feels calm. Not because I think I “should.” I know I can breathe better with space.

I seek beauty for its own sake, not out of some external sense of necessity. But still, beauty — living in it, creating it, appreciating it — proves elusive amid all the other things there are to do just to exist.

I make all my food from scratch, not because I fear the organic police will give me a bad consumer citation but because I will get sick if I don’t.

I live without caffeine and chocolate and chocolate, not because I’m depriving myself but because their negative impact on my health will be keenly and quickly felt.

Everything I do is purposeful, and yet nothing seems to actually get done.

Last May, when I wrote about the book Good Enough is the New Perfect, I felt freed by the idea that many things I saw as conflicts were not really conflicts. It was a matter of perspective. Yippee! I could change my reality by changing the way I looked at it!

Well, now these different pulls/commitments/desires/needs really do feel like conflicts. Because I simply have got to sleep more or I will never get well. That eats into time I could be pursuing another leisure activity, or meaningful work, or cleaning the home. And it’s hard to feel like doing any of those when your energy is so low. I know it’s time to seek another healthcare practitioner, but I haven’t been able to find the time or energy to do that research. One bright spot is that I emailed a friend who had adrenal fatigue and was on the GAPS diet for a long time, and she said sure, she could chat with me. And Ann Marie at Cheeseslave, having kindly already responded to a comment of mine on her GAPS Diet Myths post, wrote me this week that she’d soon post the question I sent her on an upcoming Sunday Q&A.

Really, I want some giant healing hand to pick me up and hold me safe while, with its other hand, it pushes a pause button so I don’t have to miss out on my children’s lives, my friends’ lives, my home project, my pursuits.

But there is only one now, and if sleeping and breathing and mindfully eating are tops on the agenda, that’s just what I have to do.

I need to be my own giant hand.

And my own pause button.

—

Share with me your self-care secrets!

This time of year is always good for smacking me around. Even on a sunny day like today, when the quince and camellia are blooming and you swear it can’t be January it’s so warm, winter is in my bones.

And my mom’s too.  Right around this time in 1995, while I was doing my student teaching, she fell in her kitchen and broke her leg so bad it popped through the skin. At the time, my father was on his always-dreamed-about trip to New Zealand. Travel was not an anomaly for him; he’s done plenty for business and plenty for pleasure, including a trip to Thailand after he fell in love with the cuisine. I’m told he went bird-watching in Arizona (I think) shortly after I (his fifth child) was born. To say that my mother does not share his love for travel is a grand understatement.

When I signed up to read the novel The Art of Hearing Heartbeats for the From Left to Write book club, I hoped I would be able to reward myself with the novel read after finishing a volunteer project I was working on. But then I got more work tutoring in the last week of the semester at the boarding school where I help a few kids. And my children here at home kept needing a mommy. And their mommy needed more sleep. So she didn’t finish the book, but its tale of travel in search of a lost father is certainly intriguing.

Last week, I was on a high after the successful fundraiser, and I was pleased with how well I was feeling. And yet, I’ve also been reflecting lately on just when it is that my health gave me clues that I would have a challenging road. My mom has been wondering the same for years. Maybe that leg break was as bad as it was because she was (like me) celiac and didn’t know it, or because of some other health condition that weakens bones. The skin issues and digestive issues I’m having now are not new; they’ve been cycling through my body in various permutations for years. And even my mom has admitted that her body was not the ideal place to start a life, belonging to a stressed out (and a smoking) mother of four (ages 8-12 and up when I came along).

I bet she and I share more health issues than we are aware, though I hope that my discovering things at and earlier age and the newer research around these days will contribute to an easier road for me eventually. But right now, it’s a little challenging. The heaviness I feel around the time of a drop in my thyroid is knocking at the door like a canvasser who won’t disappear. And, even if this mild winter continues, it’s always tough to go into the month of February, recalling the death of my brother in 1987.

The year before he took his life, my parents and I went to the Bahamas for my seventh grade mid-winter break, a week that Michigan schools take off so that everyone can keep a little sanity. Finding green helps. The year before that, sixth grade, we went to Hawaii. My mom probably hated every minute of both trips. I loved them but wanted to do more activities and wished I had siblings closer to my age to join. When Pat died, I was on a vacation with a friend and her family on a small island near Barbados where we went on the most spectacular hike to a waterfall. A few days later — a week shy of my fourteenth birthday — I had to fly back home alone to the dreary Midwest.

Today, I still have my father’s zeal for adventure and his propensity to get and stay busy, but my body isn’t exactly keeping up. I’d like to join my sister-in-law’s yoga retreat in Costa Rica in March, but seeing as my thyroid really crashed just after meeting her family in Vermont for the Anusara Grand Circle and Wanderlust last June, and seeing as I have to cook all my food from scratch or face a lot discomfort, travel will have to wait.

I’m not even sure how I’m going to make it to Baltimore for even one day of the three-day Fourfold Path to Healing Conference this weekend. Although I fantasize about staying overnight by myself without having to wake to nurse my 18-month-old back to sleep, my not coming home Saturday night wouldn’t magically disappear all my issues. I’d still need to bring a bunch of food with me, and I’d probably want to pump. In order to reap the benefits of something that would be therapeutic, I have to make some sacrifices that might otherwise jeopardize my health (not to mention that of my daughter, son and husband, who I’m guessing wouldn’t have the greatest night of sleep since we haven’t done a dry run on the night weaning).

And what would they do all day Sunday if I stayed at the conference until it ends at 5:30, or would I leave at noon? How would my daughter react once I got home, and then had to go out after dinner to tutor? How would my body react?

Tonight, when my husband was trying to use playful parenting to get my son out of whining mode during dinner, he took on the voice of a train conductor. E didn’t understand the “sh-clunk” sound of the pretend hole punch. We realized our little boy, almost six, has never been on a train other than the Metro. Maybe my husband could take the kids up to Baltimore on a train partway through Saturday, and we could all drive back home that night, I suggested. “With both of them?” my husband asked, his eyes practically reflecting the shine of headlights. After a few minutes, he said he’d look into it.

Maybe the promise of adventure can somehow give me the space to pursue some healing without a whole lot of guilt. But probably just for one day.

—

How do you balance physical and emotional needs?

What did you inherit from your parents?

What pushes and pulls?

—

When Julia travels to Burma to search for her missing lawyer father, she discovers much more than she expected. Join From Left to Write on February 1 as we discuss The Art of Hearing Heartbeats by Jan-Philipp Sendker. As a member of From Left to Write, I received a copy of the book. All opinions are my own.

The instant I read the words, I regretted picking up my BlackBerry that one last time before going to bed. A well-meaning relative of mine had read my recent post about my health and my leaky gut problem and told me: “This is not the time to volunteer for things.” She intended to point out that there would be plenty of time later in life for me to pursue my interests when I didn’t have as many health challenges to face and when I wasn’t in such a busy time of motherhood with a kindergartener and opinionated non-verbal toddler.

I get her point. Really, I do. The problem is that her note assumes that volunteering is something that detracts from my well-being. Sure, it might have seemed that way in the post she read. I’d rushed to finish it and get it up rather than wait until who knows when I’d get a free moment to sit down again. I did, I realize, sound a little overwhelmed. And yes, balance is something I’m working on.

But I don’t regret my choices, and I don’t want them restricted. That wouldn’t help. If I weren’t busy with something that felt meaningful, that contributed to my priorities, that gave me joy, or that fueled me with passion, I would be, simply put, depressed. Staying busy and engaged in something bigger than myself is a necessity for me to stay mentally healthy without medication.

And staying off medication is something I feel is a physical necessity as well; I simply don’t think my body can handle being on anti-depressants. They made an amazing difference for two years, and then again for a year while I sought treatment for hyperthyroidism (Graves’ Disease).

But they are drugs. Even if I weren’t a true believer in the healing power of nutrition and energy work, my system has shown me it simply cannot handle anything artificial. As much as SSRIs helped, I’m also pretty convinced that they contributed to the mess I’m in now — a much smaller role than 30 years of eating gluten, probably, but a role nonetheless.

No amount of saying no to volunteer work is going to undo all the damage that was caused by decades of eating food my body couldn’t handle, to say nothing of mild but young substance abuse. What will help me heal is continuing to eat real food, pursuing what makes me happy, and cultivating a mindfulness practice. It takes a lot more time and energy than popping a pill, but I really don’t see that I have a choice if I have my long-term health in mind.

Until I got this late-night email, I was, I admit, stewing a little about the lack of time to do everything I cared about. But rather than push me to step aside, as was its intention, the note inspired me to remember why I have chosen what I’ve chosen to do and to be grateful that I have the opportunity to do it.

The fundraiser I was working on was a great success, both in money raised and in positive momentum and a spirit of community, which was probably even more valuable to this project about which I care deeply. Even as I wished for more hours in the day to proofread the program and organize the volunteer schedule, I remembered that I proposed this event because I believe in the cause and that I offered to head it up because it’s something I knew I could do well. I knew it could be a great thing, and I wanted to create that.

So I carried that purpose with me into the event and sincerely enjoyed it. I lapped up the kudos with nary a self-critical remark or “if only we could have” lament. It was just good, plain and simple. We can debrief and learn from it, sure, but the thing I am most proud of is just enjoying it.

And then, when I came home after being gone at the school 11 a.m.-5 p.m. and launched right back into domestic goddess mode, I took on that role without resentment. Sure, there was a smidge of “really?” in my brain when my husband said he was super tired, but rather than go to a place of bitterness, I just chalked it up to a confirmation that the job I usually do of managing house and home is, indeed, a tiring one!

I wanted the laundry and dishes dealt with, so I did them.

I wanted celery and other veggies for the next day and to not cook that night or ask my tired husband to rally, so I went out to the grocery store after picking up take-out.

I wanted to do yoga before eating in peace and quiet, so I waited until after the family meal and bedtime to get on my mat and then eat my own safe food.

Somehow, that email sparked — or stoked — a fire. What started as angry turned cozy and glowing. The email inspired me, in part, to take the Mother’s Self-Renewal workshop to explore issues of balance and honoring our many selves. That first session then gave me the sense that I am both not alone in my dilemmas about time and also that my process is one to honor. It is part of my mothering to model not perfection but an embracing of personal growth and inquiry.

So thank you, dear relative, even if noting you wish you’d gotten advice from your elders still doesn’t convince me that you weren’t being more judgmental than supportive. Regardless of their intent, your words helped me see through the messiness of internal conflict and to look toward something varied and beautiful.

When a two-hour workshop that requires almost an hour of driving leaves you feeling recharged like you had a nap, I’d say it lives up to its “self-renewal” title!

Today was the first meeting of a “Monthly Mother’s Self-Renewal Group” based on Renee Trudeau’s book, The Mother’s Guide to Self-Renewal. We centered, we talked, we drew. It was great! I can’t wait to start working on some of the exercises and sharing them here! What an inspiring way to start the new year!

Thanks to Lil Omm yoga studio and parenting counselor Jennifer Kogan for putting this together. I’m so motivated, I’m going to cheerily clean up the house while my husband puts the kids to bed, even if he has made at least two or three wisecracks about my taking three hours out of the day on a busy weekend to do this. It’s up to me to keep up my mama mojo.

And yes, I did notice that one of the other books Jen had resting on her yoga mat was Mojo Mom: Nurturing Your Self While Raising a Family by Amy Tiemann. Next on the list!

Campbell Elementary School in south Arlington is hoping to remedy a swampy (and sometimes icy) problem in its playground and turn the area into a wetlands learning lab.

The school is a county-wide program that utilizes a hands-on curriculum called Expeditionary Learning. The wetlands learning lab will give students lots of opportunities to observe wildlife and ecosystems in action and to do various experiments. The new spot, which has been designed by EarlySpace landscape designer Nancy Striniste, will also be a place of beauty and an opportunity for students to have daily interaction with nature and outlets for unstructured play.

Learn more about the project at WetlandsLearningLab.com or on Facebook. In order to raise the necessary funds for construction to begin this winter, when construction costs are low, the school is holding a benefit concert on January 21 with music, activities and a silent auction.

Here are the details:

Wetlands Benefit Concert

Saturday, January 21, 1:00-4:00 p.m. (snow date January 28)

Tickets $10 per family (at the door)

Campbell Elementary School, 737 S. Carlin Springs Rd., Arlington, VA 22204

Entertainment and activities include children’s performer Groovy Nate, roots/bluegrass band Forty Miles Home, Bolivian dance performances, sing-along, family yoga, storytelling and a silent auction. Proceeds will help construct a Wetlands Learning Lab on school grounds.

For more information, visit WetlandsLearningLab.com, email CampbellWetlands (at) gmail (dot) com, or call 571-451-8273

For me, food is medicine. If health is a priority, take out foods that don’t work for your body — because of allergies, because they rev you up (like caffeine or sugar), because they draw you down (like alcohol) or because they add to inflammation (like sugar and a lot of the Standard American Diet) — and add in nutrient-dense foods that heal and build strength.

A mindful diet is the best way to feel good. After food comes sleep and a lack of “junk” in your life — electronic clutter, literal clutter, toxic people, stress of any negative variety.

But there are times when we all need a little bump of help, usually when one of those other needs above isn’t met, for whatever reason. When we get run down or out of balance, we can utilize supplements, herbs, homeopathy, and body work and energy work (like chiropractic, massage, osteopathy and craniosacral therapy, and acupuncture).

A while back, I went to a wonderful learning session with acupuncturist and mom Allison Kitchen. She gave an overview of some herbal remedies, some energetic principles, and some nutritional supplements that she finds useful for her family and with her clients.

Allison, who also spoke to my chapter of Holistic Moms last summer, was kind enough to donate a box of Emergen-C Kidz strawberry-banana flavor for a giveaway.

When your little one starts to sniffle, dose her up with one of these packets of fizzy vitamins and minerals. An extra dose of Vitamin C and everything else in these little sachets just might help her body fight that bug.And make sure she rests and sleeps! And eats homemade chicken broth!

Share your favorite cold season remedy below to enter to win this box. The giveaway will close at 5 p.m. on Friday, December 9. The winner will be chosen at random.

Visit Allison’s blog, What Zoe Eats, and learn more about Allison’s practice at DCMindBody.

Hop on over to TheDCMoms.com to see my Green post today on making thoughtful plans as you head into holiday hosting. Let’s see if I can take my own advice this time.